Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: There’s often a period before a potential separation or divorce where a couple is trying to make things right again. Even if one or both spouses doubt that they will be successful, many feel compelled to at least try to see if anything is salvageable. And, even though this is preferable to going straight toward separation or divorce, this period can be very stressful because you can worry that it is now or never to turn things around.

A Wife’s Perception:  A wife in this situation might say, “My husband has been checked out of our marriage for at least six months. For weeks, I’ve been worried that he will just up and leave. He’s been frustrated with some of my behaviors. He thinks I am immature and selfish and that being with me has become a non pleasurable part of his life. He has told me that I need to grow up and act like the adult that I am. Personally, I think this is silly. I’ve been living as an adult for a long time, and it’s disrespectful for him to refer to me otherwise. “

“That said, I admit our marriage hasn’t been great, and I am part of this marriage, so I must take responsibility for that. But he’s basically saying that he’s going to give me ‘one more chance’ to stop with the behavior that he thinks is deteriorating our marriage, and then if I don’t, he will bail. This is very upsetting to me because I feel so much pressure. I feel like it is solely up to him to decide if my behavior is to his satisfaction, and if not, we’re done. ‘One more chance’ makes me feel like a naughty child. It makes me feel like I have zero room for error and have to walk on eggshells. And that makes my marriage feel even more stifling than before. It also makes me wonder if he already knows I will fail, and he’s just waiting to pull the rug out from under me. By telling me I have ‘one more chance,’ he’s basically saying he’ll only deal with me for a little while longer, and then he is done. I’m scared to even do anything, but I know that if I do nothing, he’ll run out of patience and completely cut me off.”

Be Aware of the Potential for Panic: I understand your frustration. My husband did take to giving deadlines before we separated, and I too felt the pressure. But I have to tell you, my response to the pressure made things worse. It made me panic. And my panic didn’t bring about the response my husband wanted. So we separated. And after we separated I continued to panic, and things continued to deteriorate because I clung so tightly but changed nothing (or not enough) in my behavior. That’s why I suggest you don’t allow frustration and panic to keep you from making helpful and genuine changes.

Methodically Make the Changes You Know In Your Heart are the Most Important: I’d be lying if I claimed that I wasn’t aware of the changes that probably would have helped my marriage the most. My husband felt I took him for granted and acted in my own best interests rather than his. He felt we had less in common with each passing day, and he’d started to think that we were two different people. I was overwhelmed with all of this, so I didn’t make a serious enough attempt at change.

That’s why I’d suggest prioritizing what is most important and getting busy. Make sure he sees that you are truly making an effort, but don’t make a panicked effort. Make a sincere effort.

Don’t Be Afraid to Ask Your Husband How You Are Doing:  One additional mistake that I made was that I didn’t openly communicate with my husband about my efforts. I could see he was frustrated, but I was too scared to pin him down on specifics, so I just hoped that I was worrying too much and practicing catastrophic thinking. Turns out, I wasn’t. My husband thought I wasn’t making progress, and eventually he did leave. If I had asked him to be specific about what was working and what wasn’t, perhaps we could have made more of a dent in our issues. I didn’t, and he eventually thought it wasn’t possible to try to make repairs anymore.

Try to Bring Joy and Playfulness into this Process: I know what I’m saying might sound weird. But when you approach something as if you have one more chance, you see it as a high-stakes job. Therefore, neither of you may be having much fun. So once your husband needs to make a decision about your marriage, this drudgery is one thing he takes into consideration. To avoid that, to the extent you can, try to put on a semi-happy face and be upbeat. Remember why you love each other and try to place your focus on those feelings.  

Try to make your husband laugh or smile every day. Try to bring a smile to your own face. If you can look around and realize you’re having fun with your husband again, the “one more chance” rhetoric may tone down, and you’ll feel much less pressure. Therefore, you may be much more effective at facilitating change.

Try to See this as a Joint Activity:  Although he may be telling you that you have one more chance, in truth, there are two people in this marriage. And although he may not be overtly making any changes, he’s going along with this journey with you because he is in the marriage. There’s nothing wrong with having the mindset that you are truly in this together. (You don’t have to announce this if you think he will balk at it.) But it’s a shift in thinking that can help you to feel less pressure.  

 Once I started to make successful, small changes that my husband noticed, he too started to change. Success usually begets more success. So while it may not feel like a joint effort now, it will hopefully become one eventually as he sees change and then gets with the program. You can read about how I was finally able to save my marriage at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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