Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: I recently spoke with a wife who was blindsided by her husband coming home from work, sitting her down, and telling her (very matter-of-factly) that the marriage was no longer working for him and he “wanted out.” 

The wife was so stunned that she didn’t respond. She had no idea what to do, how to react, or how to feel. She felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under her because this apparently came without warning. She eventually excused herself and left for a while. 

She wanted to know how to approach this situation and how to respond. Although this situation is a difficult one, I do believe that some responses are better than others. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Deal With What You Do Know, Rather Than What You Don’t Know: Admittedly, I did not know this woman or her husband well. But, I’ve dealth with the spouse who “wants out.” The biggest mistake that I see people in this situation make is that they will often immediately deal with the questions of why rather than the questions of how. 

What I mean by this is that they want immediate answers. To them, this situation came right out of thin air, so they think that there must be some logical reason for this. 

Therefore, they think that if they can just hound their husband until he provides a glimpse into his exact mindset and reasoning, they can therefore begin to work on changing his mind and showing him that he’s wrong.

Also, some wives will immediately suspect that there’s something sinister that the husband is not admitting to. They begin to hound him about whether he’s having an affair or hanging out with friends who are putting ridiculous ideas into his head.

Unfortunately, most of the time, all these strategies do is make your husband defensive and cause him to see you in an even more unfavorable light. So, what’s happening is that now both people are frustrated and are seeing the other person as the cause of many of the problems. This really does very little to help the situation. (And, if you are calm, in control, and patient, the truth will eventually come out anyway.)

While it’s absolutely understandable that you want answers, I have to tell you that sometimes, he’s not equipped to give them, at least to your satisfaction. He often knows that this is not working for him, but sometimes, even he is not sure why. 

Or, if he is, he can not articulate what it would take for you to change this for him. See, so often we women are looking for him to give us a road map. What we really want to hear is for him to say something like “Here are the exact reasons that I’m unhappy. If you can change these things by (fill in the blank, depending on your situation) then I would change my mind.”

This is not likely to happen. What you’ll often get instead is him being resistant to offer you specific information other than vague phrases like: “I just think it’s time to separate;” or “I’m just not happy;” or “I just don’t think the marriage is healthy anymore.” I

t can be very hard to address these things because they are based on his perception which, from the way you see it, is absolutely wrong. Plus, you don’t have control over another person’s thoughts.)

But telling him that he’s wrong is not going to help your cause. No, your best bet is to deal with exactly what he’s telling you and to go from there. 

You can’t read his mind and it can be difficult to deal with perceptions that only he is responsible for. So, what you want to do is to deal with what you can. 

You can address what he’s said as though it is a valid reality. And what you know for sure is that at least at this moment in time, he’s not happy and doesn’t think that marriage is going to change enough to make it worth his while to stay. 

This is the perception that you should work on changing because this is what is lying right in front of you.

Saving Your Marriage, Even When His Wanting To End It Came Without Any Warning: Another thing that people tend to dwell on is the fact that there was no real warning. Yes, this was unfair. But, you can’t change that. 

As I said, you can only deal with what is happening right now. So, move past the warning issue and focus on what you can do right now. And, what you can do is work on those perceptions that are causing him to want to walk away. He thinks that the marriage is not worth saving and that it can not change.

The easiest and most logical place to start is to address his belief that nothing is going to change. He’s likely expecting you to react in the ways that I have discussed – to demand answers, to nag, to guilt, to reel. You’re better off not doing that. It’s better to calmly tell him that you’re so very sorry to hear that, but that you made a vow to hang in there through good times and bad. 

So, in the spirit of that, you’re willing to work with him to make things better, no matter what “better” ends up meaning in this particular case.

Show him the empathetic, understanding, calm, and in-control woman that he is likely not expecting. 

Remember the road map that I said that most of us want? Well, you likely have it, although you probably do not realize it. You often do not need for him to lay out for you what makes him content and fulfilled. 

This man once, and probably still does, love you. But the circumstances have changed. If you try, you can usually determine when and how this happened. And, you can remember when things were very different and that (and how) you made each other happy. You know what you did, how you interacted, and how you paid attention.

At the end of the day, we all have the same needs. We want to feel heard. We want to know that we are understood and desired and that we are receiving what we give and deserve. And we know that these things make us feel good and make us want to continue. 

When you are forming your responses and strategies, always keep this in mind. Because you’re much better off focusing on this rather than how this is both unfair and unexpected.