Leslie Cane Articles

By Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who hope that one day, their husband is going to regret leaving them.  Often, these same wives will tell their husbands that leaving is a mistake that he will one day regret.  And often either the husband doesn’t buy this for a second, or any doubts that he might have override his need to leave and just see what happens.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “my husband has decided that he will be happier as a single man without the day to day responsibilities of a wife and family.  I think he has this romanticized version of a weekend dad in his head.  I have repeatedly told him that he is making a huge mistake that he will one day regret but he doesn’t listen to me at all.  A mutual friend of ours thinks that I might be wrong.  She says that he might think that he’s enjoying the best of both worlds – the weekends with his kids but freedom and peace and quiet during the week.  I disagree because I can’t imagine just turning your back on your family and then being happy with yourself afterward.  So, who is right?  Do men regret leaving their wives?  Or do they walk away and never look back with any regret at all?”

The answer to these questions depends upon many variables.  But yes, some men do end up regretting leaving their wives once they’ve had some time apart and the opportunity to reflect.  Whether they feel any regret or not (and how deeply they feel it) often depends upon why they left in the first place, what happens after they left, and what type of person they are in the first place.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

The Reasons A Man Has For Leaving In The First Place Will Often Influence Whether He Eventually Regrets Having Left: Men who leave their wives for other women often end up feeling regret once they figure out that the other woman or the relationship turned out to be an eye opening disappointment.  The whole process and sense of discovery can take some time, but it’s very common that eventual regret sets in.

Many men feel regret after they figure out that they left a woman whom they misjudged.  Or, they might later decide that they acted too swiftly.  Sometimes, they later look back with some honesty and decide that they were immature and made their own mistakes and therefore it wasn’t fair for them to place the blame onto you.

I’ve even had men tell with (with a great deal of regret) that they made the biggest mistake of their lives by leaving the one person who loved them unconditionally and who understood them like no one else.  And sometimes, it is too late to fix this because that wonderful woman chose not to wait around forever and some other man was able to see very clearly what the husband missed all along.

Of course, while some husbands feel varying degrees of regret, some men do not.   Some men will tell you that escaping their marital prison was the best thing that they ever did.  They’ll tell you that they were dying inside every day that they were desperately unhappy within their marriage or living for someone else.  So, what is the difference between the husband who is filled with regret and the guy who feels none at all?  Some of it is the personality and makeup of the husband combined with the circumstance of future events that unfold.  And you can’t control this.  But a good deal of it is also made up of his future interactions with and perceptions of you, which you most certainly can control.

How To Act When You’re Trying To Make Your Husband Regret Leaving You: I often hear from wives who are hoping to make their husband feel some regret.  The first thing that you’ll need to understand is that you’ll often have better success with this process if you understand that it’s just going to take some time.  Feeling genuine regret often requires perspective.  And time is needed for genuine perspective.  There is just no way around that.

The next thing that you need to understand is that regret that is fueled by pity or guilt is often not all that genuine.  It’s often the kind of regret that makes him want to stay away rather than the kind that makes him want to come back.  So, while it may not be that difficult for you to make him feel guilt or pity, and then in turn feel some regret, this type isn’t the type that you want because it’s more likely to make him want to stay away, which is not your goal.

What you want instead is genuine regret that is born out of a realization that he was wrong.  He needs to believe that his doubts about you or the relationship were either misguided at the time or no longer exist today.   So how do you inspire this type of change?  You show him a self-respecting woman who is loving but self-sufficient.  You show him the genuine side of yourself who is easy to get along and collaborate with.  In other words, you don’t want him to see the married woman with whom he always fought or just couldn’t make it work with.

Instead, you want him to see the woman he courted and never wanted to be without.  I would understand if you had some doubt about this process.  After all, none of us have the ability to turn back the clock and pretend that our mistakes and misunderstandings never happened.  But, today is a new day.  You can either just accept those same mistakes and your new set of circumstances and start fresh, or you can try to pick up the pieces or rewrite the history of the past.  It’s my experience that you’ll often get better results by focusing on the present day positive because this allows your husband to willingly want to spend more time with you without worrying that you’re going to try to dredge up the past or point out his misgivings.  People just naturally are drawn to others who make them feel better about themselves and their own situations.

So while you don’t have to pretend that you are happy about the fact that he left you, acting on this unhappiness by trying to elicit negative feelings that fuel the regret will often just reinforce his decision to leave.  Instead, you want to give him positive memories and experiences which make him question his decision to leave.

There was a time when my husband seemed to feel no regret at all over leaving me.  I tried to inspire this regret by making him feel sorry for me, but I honestly think that my behavior made him feel relief instead.  I eventually, I decided to try a completely different approach, which worked.  If it helps, you can read more about the tactics that actually worked on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who tell me that they don’t think that their husband cares about them anymore.  They will often report a husband who just doesn’t seem involved or invested in them or the marriage.  Sometimes, when they confront their husband with these suspicions, he will deny that there is anything wrong and the wife will wonder if she’s just imagining things or being paranoid.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I just don’t think my husband cares about me anymore.   He doesn’t bother to come home on time.  He drifts in and out after our family has already had dinner.  He never listens to me anymore.  He’s never there for me or the kids.  He seems more interested and involved with his friends than he is with his own family.  He never shows me physical affection anymore.  When he is around or does spend time with our family, he acts as if he wishes he were somewhere else.  But when I confront him about this, he says I expect too much and just love to complain.  I don’t want to make things worse between us by arguing with him, but I’m pretty sure he just doesn’t care about me, my happiness, my kids, or this marriage anymore.  How do I know if I’m right?”

These are challenging questions.  Without talking the husband and having him be completely honest (which didn’t seem likely)  most of the conclusions that you draw have to be based on comparing past behaviors with present behaviors and then looking at the big picture.  With that said though, there are signs to look for that might indicate that your husband no longer cares as much about you and the marriage.  I will discuss those below.

When You Compare His Past Behavior With His Current Behavior, There Is An Obvious And Troubling Difference: Sometimes when wives tell me their husband’s don’t care about them anymore, they admit that he has always shown very little emotion or affection from the beginning.  Some men just are not big on being demonstrative about how they feel. But other times, the husband’s behavior has changed very dramatically.  And this is when it’s easier to suspect that something is truly wrong.

If you’re dealing with a man who used to show you affection and be very involved in your day to day life and he’s suddenly very distant, cold, and just not interested in what is happening with you, then that’s a substantial red flag.  While it doesn’t always have to mean that he doesn’t care about you or the marriage anymore, it can mean that you need to investigate this much more.

Your Challenges And Concerns Are No Longer His Challenges And Concerns: When you love someone and are invested in your marriage, you can’t help feeling empathy with your spouse.  Even if you yourself are busy or are dealing with your own issues, your normal inclination is going to be to notice when your spouse is struggling or when something is “off” with them and then try to help or offer support.  And, it’s likely that you know them so well that knowing when something is wrong is second nature to you.

So if you’re husband isn’t noticing what is going on with you or doesn’t seem to care, it’s natural to ask yourself why.  Because a spouse who is emotionally connected and invested in his marriage is likely to become MORE involved when his spouse faces challenges rather than LESS involved.  So if he’s distancing himself from you or if your problems are suddenly “your problems” rather than “our problems” then this can be a tell tale sign that something is drastically wrong.

He’s Already Explored (Or Is Trying On) His Exit Plan: Usually the first thing that wives notice when their marriage is in trouble is their husband’s lack of presence and I mean this both literally and figuratively.  Not only will he not be around anymore, but when he is, he isn’t really there.  Now, there are times when a husband can’t help having to work late or to work extra hours.  Sometimes, he might have an issue or obligation with his extended family or others who might be close to him.  All of this is understandable.

But usually what you’ll see when your husband no longer cares about his marriage is that he really has no legitimate reason to be gone as much as he is and he also has no legitimate excuse for his emotional distance (although he may try to give you one.)  You may notice him trying on a new lifestyle or he may be making his friends his new extended family.

If My Husband No Longer Cares About Me, Does This Mean My Marriage Is Automatically Over?: Many times, when I discuss this topic with wives, they begin to panic as soon as they see that some of these signs apply to them.  They worry that as soon as their husband stops caring, then there is nothing that they can do to save the marriage.

This isn’t always the case.  Sometimes, a husband distances himself or checks out emotionally as the result of an unresolved issue in your marriage or an unresolved issue within him.  It’s sort of a defense mechanism or sometimes it is a reaction to frustration.  But, there are times that you can address and fix these issues and find that your husband will begin to act like he actually cares and is invested once again.  This is not at all uncommon.  Just one example is disgruntled spouses checking out of their marriage, cheating or doing something else that they regret, and then later realizing that they stupidly risked what was truly important to them because they saw things in the wrong way at the time.

The point is, people’s perceptions and feelings change as their situation changes.  So if your husband’s feelings (or lack of feelings) stem from a problem or situation, fixing the issues that exist will often address the feelings as well.

Unfortunately, I really didn’t understand this when my husband seemed to stop caring about me and my marriage and these mistakes almost meant the end of us as a couple.  I almost waited too long to change my actions when my husband had checked out of our marriage. So, I had a whole lot of catching up to do.  But I eventually changed the circumstances, which in turn changed his feelings.  If it helps, you can read about this transformation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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By: Leslie Cane: It is undoubtedly painful when your spouse sits you down, looks into your eyes, and tells you that they aren’t happy.  It’s unsettling when your spouse has an increasingly short fuse, making it obvious that he doesn’t think he’s living his best life or best relationship.  In these situations, it is very normal to feel unmoored and unsure as to just how you are supposed to respond.  Most of us know from our own lives that sometimes we unload on those who are closest to us and therefore who are the most convenient.

A wife might say, “For the last six weeks, my husband has been making sarcastic and very direct comments about your marriage. He isn’t subtle, and he tells me that he doesn’t feel all that close to me anymore and that our marriage is no longer fulfilling and looks much less intimate and loving than those of his friends. Part of me has no idea where this is coming from other than he increasingly hates his job and feels stress from it. Nothing has changed in our marriage. Nothing has changed with our intimacy other than he is always uptight. So how seriously should I take this?

You Can’t Take It Too Seriously: My response and opinion comes as someone who almost lost their marriage and ended up divorced simply because I ignored the hints my husband threw at me. I’m going to be honest. I was going through a stressful time myself, I was cowardly, and it was easier to bury my head in the sand than face reality.

But, of course, this came back to bite me. When he didn’t get my attention by being honest with me, he became more and more frustrated and more and more sure that he could not work with me (and our marriage) any longer and he was ready to walk away.  

So I had a much worse time cleaning up the mess than I would have had if I had paid attention from the jump.

If your husband is straight up telling you (or obviously hinting) that something is wrong, take it EXTREMELY seriously. If it turns out that you are wrong, at least your husband knows that you make him a priority. No harm done. But if you attempt to minimize what he’s telling you, he feels unheard and misunderstood on top of the dissatisfaction he’s already feeling.

How To Act When He’s Telling You Your Marriage Is In Trouble: Even if you yourself are busy or are dealing with stress, stop a minute and think. Is the stressor more important to you than your marriage? Your husband?

Of course not. So give him the attention that he deserves and validate him. It’s okay to admit that this worries or confuses you, but none of this negates your need to pay attention to and tend to him.

Tell him what you hear him saying and ask him if you have it right. Ask him what you’ve missed. Ask him if he could have his way, what would he want to change? What could you do to make things better? What attempts by you could make him feel some relief?

If he’s giving you vague answers, keep gently probing, but don’t push so hard that you frustrate him even more.

How To Keep Accountable: After you’ve talked to him and gotten more information, formulate a plan. Whether that is to give him more attention, more care, or more time, pay attention and make an effort every single day. Then ask yourself where you are having success and where you are not.

If you aren’t, it is time to ask your husband for clarification because you may not be on the right track. You might have misunderstood what he wants more or less of. Make sure you truly understand what he is looking for or needing from you and make it your business to try your best to provide it.

When You Feel Resentful: I sometimes have wives who tell me that they resent how much their husbands is asking. They might say something like, “He’s basically taking his job stress out on me and our marriage. He is blaming all of his unhappiness on me and the marriage and this is displaced.”

You might be completely right. But it doesn’t matter. Why? When our spouse is under stress for any reason, he might legitimately need more from us and that is fair game. I’ve had to care for an ill parent this year and, being honest, my spouse took a lot of my frustration from that but he was my rock even though he could have resented that.

Don’t think I didn’t notice or appreciate it because I did. And it actually strengthened our marriage.

I hope I’ve made it clear that even if your husband is blowing off steam if you don’t pay attention, your marriage could end up being in trouble, if it isn’t already.

You want and need to be the place and person your spouse goes to when he needs something emotionally or physically. You need to be his person. Don’t negate that by not giving him what he needs from you.

I know all of this because I almost lost my marriage by not paying attention. I was on the brink of divorce because of neglect. You can read about how I got my marriage back on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com.

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By: Leslie Cane: I realize that there are situations where both people are completely on board and ready to move forward with a divorce. But, these are not the situations about which I’m commonly approached. Instead, I’m usually contacted by wives whose husbands have indicated that they want to divorce (and some have even filed/served the papers), but the wives want to save the marriage.

They will often ask things like: “Do I have to go through with the divorce if I don’t want to? Is there anything that I can do to contest or stall the divorce?” I’m not an attorney, but I would argue that, as a practical and strategic matter, “contesting” divorce is only continuing with a combative, divided stance that will push your husband further away. I believe from my research and from my own experience that while you absolutely need to buy time, standing on opposite sides from your husband is likely not going to get you any closer to your goal of saving your marriage. I’ll discuss this further in the following article and will tell you what I think is a better course to follow if you don’t want a divorce.

You Don’t Want A Divorce, But You Don’t Want To Take A Combative Stand Either: I’ve had women who have admitted to me that they’ve dodged the summons server or ignored court papers in an attempt to stall the divorce proceedings. While I understand any tactics that are going to buy time, you also don’t want to appear that you are taking an aggressive, combative stand. You don’t want your husband to think that every interaction he has with you is going to be one in which you are trying to thwart him from getting what he really wants.

If you really want to save your marriage, you’ll need to paint yourself in your most positive light. You want your husband to eventually realize that he is making a mistake rather than to think that he can’t escape fast enough. You want him to rethink his recent opinion of you and your marriage. “Fighting” him every step of the way isn’t likely to do this.

Understanding That You Need To Have A Common Goal: I often tell wives to jump on their husband’s side of this standoff, at least in theory. And I’m often met with a lot of resistance and comments like “But he’s wrong,” or “You’re asking me to give up or pretend that I’m not right?” No, that’s not what I mean at all. What I do mean is that if you want access to your husband, you’re going to have to stop being a threat. He has to know that every interaction with you is not going to turn out in a negative way or elicit negative feelings.

So, how do you achieve this? You need to agree with him (in theory) and convince him that you have common goals. This often includes agreeing that the marriage is at a crossroads and needs drastic improvement. And conceding that you aren’t happy either and that both of you deserve mutual fulfillment and satisfaction.

Once these things are said or implied, vow that you are not going to engage or behave in a way that is going to run counter to these goals. Make him understand that you fully know several things: you know that he wants a divorce; you know that you want to save the marriage; and you know that these are very different goals. However, what you are able to control is your own actions. Make sure he knows that your relationship is more important to you than “winning” this standoff. You are now more concerned that you both emerge happy and can interact in a positive way, no matter how this turns out. Explain that he is too important a person in your life to allow these nasty things between you and that, when this is over, you want to be proud of how you both handled it.

Always Remember How You Appear In Both Your Actions And Your Intentions: Understand that your goal is still to save the marriage. However, now you’re going to go about it by encouraging your husband to change his mind and his opinion of you rather than using legal wrangling or stalling tactics to force him into doing something he doesn’t really want to do.

So, this is going to require you to paint yourself in your most positive light. Your goal is to show your husband the woman that he first fell in love with. He needs to know that she still exists. I realize this will be challenging as issues regarding the divorce come up. But, always pause, take a deep breath, and remember that you need to come off as positive. You need to dig deep, dust yourself off, and put your best self on full display. Define the qualities that your husband loves about you and make sure you show him exactly those things.

Be careful not to move too quickly or allow him to see any desperation. You want to appear busy, intriguing, and full of self-respect. He already knows that you want to save the marriage. You don’t have to keep harping on it. You want to appear as someone who is dealing with the situation as best she can, but who has an eye on moving forward and remaining positive.

Men typically do not find needy, combative, desperate, or clingy women attractive. What they do respond to is quiet confidence, dignity, and grace. Often, if you play your cards right, you’ll find that he will often be curious about your change in attitude. He will often initiate some contact to feel you out.

Don’t show your hand. Don’t move too fast. Keep doing what is working – conducting yourself in a positive manner and continuing to elicit the positive feelings he didn’t expect.

When my husband initiated a divorce, I did not understand these principles and I went about saving the marriage in the completely wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read about that process on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are mourning the lack of a connection in their marriage.  Many worry that the emotional bond is no longer there.  I heard from a wife who said: “I don’t think that my husband is emotionally connected to me anymore.  He’s very cold and distant toward me.  Last week, I lost a dear friend of mine to illness.  I was sitting in the living room balling my eyes out and my husband just walked past me without saying a word.  Five years ago, he would have taken me in his arms and comforted me, but he did nothing.  This is just one example, but for months I’ve noticed him distancing himself from me emotionally.  What are some additional signs that I can look for that might indicate that he is no longer connected to me? And if I’m right about this, does it mean my marriage is over?”  I will address these questions in the following article.  And I will tell you that I think are some telltale signs that the emotional connection is wavering.

He’s Continuously Distant And Cold: The wife could have been correct in her concerns.  The above description of a husband walking right by his sobbing wife is disturbing.  But, this could have been an isolated incident.  Perhaps the husband himself was upset by the friend’s death.  There was no way to tell without having more information.  The wife would be in the best position to evaluate whether this distance was a reoccurring issue.  It can be helpful to try to take an objective look at how often he affectionately touches or talks to you.  Because when people have an emotional connection, they will often touch or reach out to one another without even thinking about it.  They will naturally want to ask about one another’s day or have discussions to find out what is going on with the other.  If this isn’t happening, it’s important to take notice and see if you can pinpoint any other areas of your marriage that might cause concern.

You Notice Changes In Your Sex Life: People often assume that sex is an activity that is based more on a physical or chemical attraction.  This is partly true.  But many married couples who have good and satisfying sex lives also have a very strong emotional connection.  Because if you are not invested emotionally, then the physical manifestation of that connection is not going to happen as often, if at all.   So if you are noticing negative changes in your sex life, this might be another indication that you’re losing that emotional bond.

He’s Avoiding Spending Time Alone With You: The harsh reality is that when you do not feel connected to someone, you aren’t going to be all that excited about spending time alone with them.  It’s just not your priority because you just don’t find it to be a lot of fun.  So you tend to just avoid the situation altogether.  If you notice that your spouse is working late, going out with friends, sitting in front of the TV, getting up quickly from the dinner table, or turning down your requests to spend time together, then these things are all red flags that he’s avoiding you for some reason.  There’s no way to tell (at least without asking) if these things are due to emotional disconnect.  But they are indicative of a spouse who isn’t all that excited about spending quality time with you.

He’s Breaking Away To Do Things On His Own Or To Assert His Independence: When your husband is losing emotional interest in you, then you will sometimes see him begin to break away from your marriage and live more as an individual or in a way that would be indicative of a single person.  You might see him having dinner with friends without you or going on trips without asking you to go along.   This may indicate that your spouse is beginning to think of themselves more as an individual and less as part of a whole.

If Your Husband Is Losing His Emotional Connection To You, Does This Mean That Your Marriage Is In Trouble Or Over? In my opinion, it does mean that you should pay attention or even consider taking some action. And, a loss of the emotional connection can be a serious warning sign that your marriage is in trouble, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage is over.   You can always improve your situation and therefore improve your marriage.  And I am living proof that you can return the emotional connection to your marriage even when it has been long gone.

Frankly, the first step in getting the connection back is noticing that it’s gone.  Many wives live in denial and tell themselves that they’ve been married such a long time that they have become comfortable.  In my experience, even comfortable couples who are emotionally connected still reach out to one another, make time for one another, and know without any doubt that they are loved.  If you have any questions about this, then that is a good indication that you can make some major improvements in this area.

So how do you get the connection back?  By turning your time, attention, and focus back to your marriage.  Be a good listener.  Show your spouse that you appreciate them.  Pay attention to the cues and clues that they are giving you.  Be vulnerable and not afraid to reach out to them even when they are not reaching out to you. Remember the things that drew you together in the first place and don’t make excuses or tell yourself that things will work out on their own.

Sometimes, the worst thing that you can do is ignore a problem and hope that it goes away.  Taking the right kind of action at the right time is almost always the better call.  If I had taken action the second I began to notice my husband’s emotional distance, it might have saved a lot of time and aggravation.  But I didn’t.  And this meant that saving my marriage was a longer and more difficult process.  However, once I understood some basic truths about human nature, the pieces all fell into place and I was able to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story from beginning to end on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are so upset or shocked by their husband announcing that he’s moving.  Because of their overwhelming emotions, they often aren’t sure how to formulate an appropriate response. Many have conflicting feelings. They are angry or sad, but they want to react in a way that is going to help preserve their marriage or prevent a divorce.

I heard from a wife who said: “I knew that our marriage wasn’t what it should be. But I sincerely thought that we could work it out and I never expected for my husband to take the drastic action of moving out. This morning, there was a note from my husband by the coffee maker announcing that once he returned home from work tonight, he was packing his bags and moving out. He said he was telling me this so that I could arrange to stay away to avoid an awkward or painful situation. He didn’t mention if he was going to pursue a divorce. I am so furious about this. You would think that after years of marriage, I would deserve more than a short note. You would think that he could have the decency to at least look me in the eye. Now, I’m in a situation where I don’t know how to respond. I am very tempted to pack his bags myself, change the lock, and leave his belongings on the front porch. But I know that doing this would hurt my chances for saving my marriage. Still, I would feel like a fraud if I pretended that I am not furious about this. What is the best way to react?”

This is a tough question to answer. Because the appropriate response and reaction will often depend upon the husband’s reasons for leaving and the personalities of both people involved. However, when you want to save your marriage, you have to think a little more carefully and treat a little more lightly. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Ask Yourself About The Real Reason He Wants To Move Out: Some men will threaten to move out just to get a reaction out of their wives. Sometimes, they only intend to be gone for a short period of time in order to scare their wife into some sort of change. Others are trying to put themselves in a position where their wife begs him to come back. But some husbands are very serious about breaking away or taking some time for their own.

So it can help to examine what your husband’s motivations might be so that you can formulate the appropriate response. In this case, the wife felt that husband was unhappy with their marriage and genuinely wanted some time away. She felt that it was possible that he might eventually pursue a divorce if things didn’t dramatically improve in their marriage.

So for her, the best response was going to be the the one which made it the most likely that she could see her husband regularly during the separation. She needed to set it up so that they had positive interactions that would eventually contribute to improving their relationship and, hopefully,  saving their marriage.

A Suggested Response: If you think that your husband is really serious about moving out and isn’t just posturing or trying to scare you, then you want to take this seriously and you want to face this head on with sincerity and respect.

The wife wasn’t sure if she wanted to be in the house when he moved out because she was afraid that a huge fight would break out once the emotions started to bubble over. If this was the case, you could always leave a note. But, if you can swing it, verbal words are likely to have more impact as long as you can remain calm.  However, whether you speak the words or write them, an appropriate response might be something like: “I’m sure it won’t surprise you to know that I’m hurt and sad.  I’m also really disappointed that you didn’t tell me this face to face.  And I wish that you would reconsider. I would be more than happy to allow you some time alone without your needing to move out. I could stay with friends for a while if they would make you more comfortable. But, no matter what you decide, I hope that we can improve things between us eventually. No matter what happens to our marriage for the short term, I don’t want to completely lose my relationship with you. It is simply too important to me. So if you need some time then I respect that. If that is what it takes to improve things between us, I’m all for it. But I would hope that you wouldn’t need to move out in order to do this. And, if you do, I hope that we can stay in touch regularly so that things don’t get worse between us.”

I know that it’s very tempting to tell him that if this is what he wants than he shouldn’t let the door hit him on his way out. But, as good as this might feel in the short term, it thwarts your most important long term goal which is to save your marriage.

And although any response that you decide on should sound genuine and be in line with your personality, try to make sure that it is calm and designed to maintain a cordial relationship with your husband on which you can build.

Unfortunately, my opinion on this is based on my own experience.  I reacted quite badly when my own husband moved out.  And I had to work very hard to reestablish my relationship with him.  I did eventually save my marriage, but not without making a lot of avoidable mistakes first.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Most of the women who contact me want more than anything for their husband to change his mind about the separation or the divorce so that they can save their marriage and move on.  This process is difficult enough, but it becomes a little harder when your husband begins to send you mixed signals or acts differently from one day to the next as far as the divorce is concerned.

Many women tell me that their husbands will be very cold and matter-of-fact one day only to act almost loving and nostalgic the next.  Some days he will act as if a divorce is imminent and other days he won’t even mention it or will talk about their future together.

I recently heard from a wife who was experiencing this problem and growing extremely frustrated.  She said, in part: “About four weeks ago, my husband told me he wanted a divorce.  He told me that he intended to move out and file the divorce papers within the next few weeks.  I was devastated and begged him to reconsider.  A divorce is the last thing that I want and I’d be willing to do just about anything to save my marriage.  He insisted that our marriage was over and that a divorce was the only course of action that made any sense.  I’ve been trying to remain upbeat and positive and to not pressure him too much.  Over the last week or two, he’s changed his attitude and behaviors.  He’s stopped talking about the divorce.  He has yet to move out or file the papers.  There are days when he’s downright loving or affectionate to me.  The other day, he tried to initiate sex.  He seems almost jealous if he knows I’m around other people.  I’m not complaining about his change in attitude but it confuses me.  On one hand, I don’t want to say anything because I want to encourage these changes and I’m scared that if I ask, he’ll inform me that the divorce is still going to happen.  But on the other hand, I’m afraid to get my hopes up. What if he’s just acting this way to make the divorce process easier for both of us?  But the more loving he is to me, the more confused I get and the more I realize I desperately want him in my life.  How do I know if he still wants a divorce?”

It’s almost impossible to know what is running through someone else’s head or what resides in their heart.  In an everyday marital situation where divorce isn’t on the horizon, it would make sense to just ask your husband what he’s thinking or what his intentions are.  But, when your marriage is hanging in the balance and you might be facing a divorce, you often don’t want to say or do the wrong things.  And there can be a real fear that if you straight out ask him if he still wants the divorce that he will reply that yes, not only does he still wanted it, but you’ve now reminded him that he needs to move forward with the process more quickly.

Why A Husband Will Sometimes Give You Mixed Signals About Still Wanting A Divorce: Many wives in this situation assume that their husband is sending them mixed signals because he’s either trying to play some emotionally charged game, he’s trying to boost his own ego, he’s trying to maintain a good relationship despite the divorce, or he really does want them back and therefore no longer wants to split up.

Many of these options are possible.  But very few people consider the possibility that he’s just as confused and unsure as you are.  Ending your marriage and getting a divorce is an incredibly serious (and potentially final) decision.  Husbands don’t always make that decision lightly.  And, sometimes when the two of you begin to get along better or as he looks at you and still feels a bit of a spark or tug as his heart, he can begin to feel some doubts.

Many women assume that once a man asks for a divorce or even starts to mention one, this means that he’s fallen out of love with them or no longer wants them or the marriage and that his decision is final. This isn’t always the case.  Sometimes, he does still love you (and might be well aware that he still loves you,) but he feels as though love isn’t enough or that things just can’t change quickly or dramatically enough to make the marriage work.

But sometimes, as the two of you start to interact in a more positive way or he looks at you and realizes how painful it might be to not have you in this life anymore, his resolve or certainty about the divorce can begin to waiver and this is when you might start to see those mixed signals that we’ve been talking about.

Consider Waiting To Ask Him If He Still Wants A Divorce Until The Answer Is Fairly Obvious: I know that it’s very tempting to just out and out ask him what he wants right now or what his intentions are.  But, if you’re still getting mixed signals, this could likely mean that he just isn’t sure what he wants. So, it can sometimes be a bad idea to continuously question him or to insinuate that his indifference or confusion is frustrating you or causing you pain.  Because often if you force him to make a choice, you run the risk of making the choice that you don’t want – which is him moving forward with the divorce.

In this case, the wife herself admitted that they were making a lot of progress.  They were getting along better and they were actually having some fun together again.  I felt that rather than rocking the boat and demanding answers, she was likely better off just continuing on the same path because it seemed to be working.  I suggested she remain upbeat and positive because this truly does often bring much better results.  As to her concern about determining if her husband wanted a divorce or not, I strongly suspected that this would become clear soon enough and that rushing things could potentially push the resolution that she was most trying to avoid.

I had grave doubts about going forward with the divorce (and I noticed my husband’s attitude changing when he started to send mixed signals) but I didn’t speak up in the right way. I was so scared to know the answer because I’d used negative tactics rather than positive ones in the past. This did a lot of damage and I had a lot of catching up to do, but luckily, over time (and by taking calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and bring back his love so that we were BOTH happy. You can read more of that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives whose husband is giving them conflicting messages about their marriage and his level of commitment.  Sometimes he is telling his wife that although he loves her, he is not happy with her or with the marriage.

I heard from a wife who said: “the other day, my husband said that he needed to be honest with me about something very important. I thought he was going to tell me that he lost his job or that we were struggling financially.  But I was completely wrong.  And I was completely blindsided when he said that although he still loves me, he is not happy being married to me.  I was in so much shock, I couldn’t even get out a decent response.  He said he felt that I deserved to know the truth about this.  He never said what he intends to do about it.  So I’m still not sure why he would even tell me this unless he’s trying to warn me that he is getting ready to file for a divorce.  I know that I need to ask him to clarify all of this, but the idea of him further telling me why and how he’s not happy is almost more than I can bear.  What do men really mean when they say that they love you but aren’t happily married to you?”

While I couldn’t read this husband’s mind, I do hear from a lot of men in this situation on my blog.  So I can share with you what many of them express on this topic, which I’ll do below.

 Know That He Might Be Unhappy In Another Area Of His Life:  The men in this situation don’t come right out and say this of course.  (Sometimes, they don’t even realize it themselves.) But it’s often very easy to read between the lines.  It’s not uncommon for this whole “I’m not happy” business to come at a time when he’s otherwise struggling.  Perhaps he has lost his job.  Maybe he is going through a serious lifestyle change.  Or perhaps something is happening with his extended family.  Whatever the reason, it’s very common for a man to take a problem that has nothing whatsoever to do with his marriage and then to project that problem onto the person who is most convenient or who is the closest to him.  And that person is often his wife.

Now I don’t tell you this because I think you should challenge him on the cause of his unhappiness.  This rarely does any good.  I tell you this because I want to put this in perspective for you.  Because sometimes, when whatever the cause of his unhappiness works itself out, suddenly he is happy with the marriage again.

He Might Mean That Some Aspect Of The Marriage Is Falling Short:  Often men will offer you vague, sweeping statements about your marriage when in reality, they aren’t happy with one or two aspects of it that have become very problematic.  And there are many possible causes of this.  Just some examples are not enough intimacy, differences about money, him feeling as if he is tied down or doesn’t have enough autonomy in his life, or him feeling like marriage isn’t what he expected.

How you handle this will depend upon what, exactly, is the issue.  For example, if he is not happy because he feels like he never has any fun or excitement in his life, then you would need to show him that being married to you can be both fun and interesting.  Or, if there is an issue that keeps cropping up, it’s probably time to successfully address and eliminate that issue once and for all.  It’s very important that he sees you taking swift and decisive action because he needs to believe that the marriage can and will change so that he will remain committed to it.

How To Respond When He’s Saying That He Loves You But Isn’t Happy:  First of all, do not get overly emotional.  Don’t question him in a way that sounds accusatory or implies that he’s mistaken because of his own selfishness or because he expects too much.  Make it very clear that his problems are your problems because you want for him to be happy in a very healthy marriage.  You both deserve nothing less.

A suitable response would be something like: “well, it’s hurtful to hear you say this but I’m so glad that you are being honest with me so that I can address it.  Can you share with me why you are unhappy so that I can decide how to make the appropriate changes?  I want for you to be fulfilled so that we can be happy together.  And I know that you love me, so let’s work together so that we are both genuinely happy in this marriage.”

Notice that nothing about that response was accusatory.  It’s so tempting to ask him where you couldn’t meet his impossibly high standards but try very hard to resist this urge.  Because he has approached you and been very honest with you.  This gives you a chance to fix things before they get worse.  And although I know that it may not feel like it right now, this is a definite advantage and you truly can fix this.  I hear from so many women who have already been served divorce papers or whose husband has already left the home.  This isn’t the case here and these are very important distinctions.

My husband also told me that he wasn’t happy in our marriage.  Unfortunately, I took no action and didn’t take this all that seriously.  As a result, we separated and almost divorced.  I wish I had handled it differently because I had a lot of catching up to do.  Luckily, I finally stumbled upon some strategies that worked.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://isavedmymarriage.com

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