When a Husband Gives Up on the Marriage and a Wife Knows She Never Will
By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are desperately trying to hold on to a marriage that their husband seems to have emotionally and physically checked out of. Sometimes, he’s already said the dreaded words — that he’s done trying, that he doesn’t see the point anymore, or that he wants out. Other times, he hasn’t said anything out loud, but he’s either left, or he’s strongly hinting that he is going to.
What makes this situation especially painful is that while he may be finished (or think that he is,) you know in your heart that you’re not and you never will be. You still love him. You still want to fix this. And you’re not ready to walk away from the life you built together — not now, and not ever.
So where does that leave you?
The answer isn’t always simple. But what I’ve found over the years is that many women have far more influence in their marriage than they believe — even when it feels like their husband is shutting them out completely.
Let’s talk about what to do when he’s given up — and you most DEFINITELY haven’t.
You’re Not Alone in Feeling This Way: What you are feeling right now is one of the most helpless feelings in the world: watching the man you love drift further away while you still feel so much love in your heart. You may wonder if it’s foolish to keep trying, or if you’re just prolonging the pain. You may wonder if you look like a fool – still clinging on when he obviously wants to move on.
But the truth is, it’s not uncommon for one spouse to lose faith in the marriage while the other clings to faith — and that doesn’t necessarily mean things are beyond repair.
The dynamic of “one person leaning out and the other leaning in” is more common than most people think. What matters most is how you respond during this vulnerable time.
And frankly, what is reality today may not be reality tomorrow. Things change. Feelings change. Dynamics shift.
Don’t Try to Talk Him Back Into the Marriage. Show Him Changes Instead: When a husband says he’s given up, the natural response is to try to reason with him. You may find yourself pleading, reminding him of your history, or pointing out what he stands to lose. But the hard truth is that if he’s already emotionally disengaged, words won’t reach him the way you hope they will.
What often works better is changing the dynamic quietly by using your actions, not your words.
I’m not suggesting that you pretend everything is fine or you just passively let him walk out that door. I am suggesting a long game, however. Because I know from my own experience that is what works. I am suggesting that you shift the focus away from what he is doing (or not doing), and back toward what YOU are doing and who YOU are.
When you stop chasing and start centering yourself — when you reconnect with your own strength, your own calm, your own confidence — it changes the energy between you. And that’s often the first thing that gets his attention, even if he doesn’t admit it right away.
It’s Okay to Keep Caring And To Keep Trying, But It Sometimes Helps You (And The Marriage) To Take A Step Back:
When a wife tells me, “He’s done, but I still want to fight for us.” When I hear that kind of passion, I always encourage her to pause and consider how she’s fighting. If you’re pushing, convincing, or clinging, it can actually make him pull away faster. That’s the last thing you want.
But if you’re stepping back just enough to give the relationship room to breathe — while quietly working on your own emotional healing and your own behaviors, you’re creating a space where hope has room to grow again.
Your calmness doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you’re choosing to operate from strength rather than fear.
This Isn’t Necessarily The End — Even If It Feels Like It Right Now: It may be that your husband truly believes he’s done. He may not want to see you or talk to you. He may be avoiding you. He may even be somewhat rude to keep you away. But I’ve seen countless situations where a husband said he was finished, only to soften later — sometimes when he saw his wife wasn’t reacting the way he expected.
When you stop participating in the same hurtful patterns, you subtly rewrite the story of your marriage. And in many cases, that’s what makes him stop and reconsider what he’s walking away from.
You Can Keep Hoping. You Get To Decide Your Own Timeframe And Decisions: If you’re the one who still believes in the marriage, that belief matters. You don’t have to let it go just because he has. But you also don’t have to lose yourself while holding on.
No one can force you to feel something that you don’t. No one can force you to let go of something that is yours to give away. Focus on staying emotionally steady and avoiding dramatic conversations that leave you both feeling worse.
Commit to being the best version of yourself — not just for him, but for you. When your strength and clarity begin to rise, it’s not unusual for your husband to begin seeing things differently.
And if that moment comes, you’ll be ready — not just to get him back, but to rebuild something stronger. I know all of this because I absolutely refused to give up my marriage when my husband was done with it. He would not lift a finger to help me save it, but thankfully, I had enough commitment for the both of us. And I DID get him back. You can read about how I did that at https://isavedmymarriage.com
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