How to Determine If Your Husband Really Wants Out of Your Marriage
by: Leslie Cane: I sometimes speak with wives and girlfriends who are desperately trying to find the right thing to say or do to stop a man who’s made it clear he wants to leave. Often, it’s a husband who’s asking for space, a separation, or a divorce and is preparing to move out. Other times, it’s a boyfriend who’s on the brink of ending the relationship.
Naturally, these women want a solution—something immediate and powerful enough to make him change his mind. And the more determined he is to go, the more urgent and drastic the strategy can feel.
But here’s the hard truth: Sometimes, in our desperation to stop him, we make things worse. I’ve heard from women wondering if they should get pregnant to convince him to stay, or whether dramatic threats might turn the tide. While I fully understand how these ideas can take root in a moment of panic, they almost always backfire. Anything that’s based in manipulation or fear—rather than honesty and connection—often damages trust and makes you appear in a worse light.
The good news? There are ways to shift the dynamic. They may not offer the instant turnaround you crave, but they’re far more effective—and lasting. Let’s explore how to approach this painful situation with clarity, strategy, and self-respect.
Does He Really Want Out? Or Does He Just Need Time?
Not every man who says he wants out is 100% sure he wants the marriage to end. Sometimes, he just needs space to clear his head and evaluate how he feels with (and without) you. If that’s the case, how you act right now matters. You want him to look back and remember you as graceful and centered, not panicked or combative.
Reacting as though the world is ending can actually make things worse—especially if this is more of a cooling-off period than a final goodbye. Many men who initially believe they want to leave later admit they weren’t entirely sure. But if he remembers this phase as one where you guilted, begged, or pressured him, he’s less likely to reconsider.
Sometimes, the best thing you can do is simply buy time. Time can shift feelings, soften defenses, and offer a new perspective—if you play your cards right.
Understanding What He Really Wants (Even If He Doesn’t Fully Know)
Many women fall into the trap of focusing all their energy on countering his reasons for leaving. The problem is, he might not even fully understand those reasons himself. Often, what he’s feeling is vague: “I’m not happy.” “It’s not working.” “I need space.”
Trying to dissect and debate these unclear feelings can lead to frustration for both of you. Instead, focus on what you can control—how you’re showing up, how he perceives you, and how the tone of your interactions feels. Small, positive shifts in the way you relate to him can have a powerful effect, even if they don’t immediately solve everything.
Show Him You’re On His Side
Let’s be honest: Most men know you want to change their minds. And many will dig in their heels even more to prove that you can’t. So how do you get around this?
By aligning yourself with him, not against him.
Agree that something needs to change. Acknowledge that you both deserve to be happier. Reassure him that you genuinely care about his well-being—not just about preserving the marriage.
When he sees that you’re not just trying to trap him or win him back for your own sake, he may soften. He may look at you differently. He may start to miss the version of you that feels safe, supportive, and easy to be around.
This doesn’t mean pretending everything is fine. It just means showing up as the version of yourself that he first fell in love with—gradually, consistently, and sincerely.
The Biggest Mistakes I Made (So You Don’t Have To)
When I was in this situation myself, I made every mistake in the book. I begged. I threatened. I followed him. I tried to overcompensate. I acted out of fear instead of love. And it only pushed him further away.
Thankfully, I realized that I was making things worse—and I course-corrected in time to save our marriage. I now believe that slow, steady changes in the way you interact, the way you present yourself, and the energy you bring to the relationship are far more powerful than any dramatic, last-ditch effort.
If you want to read the full story of how I turned things around, I share it on my blog: http://isavedmymarriage.com.
You may not be able to control his feelings overnight. But you can influence the way he sees you. And often, that’s the first step to helping him see the relationship—and your future—through a new lens.
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