When a Husband Gives Up on the Marriage and a Wife Knows She Never Will

By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who are desperately trying to hold on to a marriage that their husband seems to have emotionally and physically checked out of. Sometimes, he’s already said the dreaded words — that he’s done trying, that he doesn’t see the point anymore, or that he wants out. Other times, he hasn’t said anything out loud, but he’s either left, or he’s strongly hinting that he is going to.

What makes this situation especially painful is that while he may be finished (or think that he is,) you know in your heart that you’re not and you never will be. You still love him. You still want to fix this. And you’re not ready to walk away from the life you built together — not now, and not ever.

So where does that leave you?

The answer isn’t always simple. But what I’ve found over the years is that many women have far more influence in their marriage than they believe — even when it feels like their husband is shutting them out completely.

Let’s talk about what to do when he’s given up — and you most DEFINITELY haven’t.

You’re Not Alone in Feeling This Way: What you are feeling right now is one of the most helpless feelings in the world: watching the man you love drift further away while you still feel so much love in your heart. You may wonder if it’s foolish to keep trying, or if you’re just prolonging the pain. You may wonder if you look like a fool – still clinging on when he obviously wants to move on.

But the truth is, it’s not uncommon for one spouse to lose faith in the marriage while the other clings to faith — and that doesn’t necessarily mean things are beyond repair.

The dynamic of “one person leaning out and the other leaning in” is more common than most people think. What matters most is how you respond during this vulnerable time.

And frankly, what is reality today may not be reality tomorrow. Things change. Feelings change. Dynamics shift.

Don’t Try to Talk Him Back Into the Marriage. Show Him Changes Instead: When a husband says he’s given up, the natural response is to try to reason with him. You may find yourself pleading, reminding him of your history, or pointing out what he stands to lose. But the hard truth is that if he’s already emotionally disengaged, words won’t reach him the way you hope they will.

What often works better is changing the dynamic quietly by using your actions, not your words.

I’m not suggesting that you pretend everything is fine or you just passively let him walk out that door. I am suggesting a long game, however. Because I know from my own experience that is what works. I am suggesting that you shift the focus away from what he is doing (or not doing), and back toward what YOU are doing and who YOU are.

When you stop chasing and start centering yourself — when you reconnect with your own strength, your own calm, your own confidence — it changes the energy between you. And that’s often the first thing that gets his attention, even if he doesn’t admit it right away.

It’s Okay to Keep Caring And To Keep Trying, But It Sometimes Helps You (And The Marriage) To Take A Step Back: 

When a wife tells me, “He’s done, but I still want to fight for us.” When I hear that kind of passion, I always encourage her to pause and consider how she’s fighting. If you’re pushing, convincing, or clinging, it can actually make him pull away faster. That’s the last thing you want.

But if you’re stepping back just enough to give the relationship room to breathe — while quietly working on your own emotional healing and your own behaviors, you’re creating a space where hope has room to grow again.

Your calmness doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you’re choosing to operate from strength rather than fear.

This Isn’t Necessarily The End — Even If It Feels Like It Right Now: It may be that your husband truly believes he’s done. He may not want to see you or talk to you. He may be avoiding you. He may even be somewhat rude to keep you away. But I’ve seen countless situations where a husband said he was finished, only to soften later — sometimes when he saw his wife wasn’t reacting the way he expected.

When you stop participating in the same hurtful patterns, you subtly rewrite the story of your marriage. And in many cases, that’s what makes him stop and reconsider what he’s walking away from.

You Can Keep Hoping. You Get To Decide Your Own Timeframe And Decisions: If you’re the one who still believes in the marriage, that belief matters. You don’t have to let it go just because he has. But you also don’t have to lose yourself while holding on.

No one can force you to feel something that you don’t. No one can force you to let go of something that is yours to give away. Focus on staying emotionally steady and avoiding dramatic conversations that leave you both feeling worse.

Commit to being the best version of yourself — not just for him, but for you. When your strength and clarity begin to rise, it’s not unusual for your husband to begin seeing things differently.

And if that moment comes, you’ll be ready — not just to get him back, but to rebuild something stronger. I know all of this because I absolutely refused to give up my marriage when my husband was done with it. He would not lift a finger to help me save it, but thankfully, I had enough commitment for the both of us. And I DID get him back. You can read about how I did that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Effective Ways To Bring Back the Love of Your Husband (And Mistakes To Avoid)

by: Leslie Cane: If you’ve found this article, I have to assume that, for some reason, you don’t feel completely loved by your husband. Maybe your marriage has lost intimacy, closeness, or commitment. Perhaps your husband has told you that he is unhappy, or has asked for a break, separation, or divorce. Obviously, I don’t know the specifics of your situation, but I do know that it’s absolutely possible to return the love of your husband by yourself, when you’re the only one who wants to, or are the only one making the effort. I know this because I have done it myself.

It is my opinion that there are really two major things (affection and commitment) you need to do to bring the love back in your marriage. This may seem simplistic, but it requires quite a few steps and takes a bit of hard work and intimate understanding of your husband (his mindset, his wants, needs, feelings, etc.) The good news is that you already have all of the tools you need to pull this off, which I’ll explain in this article.

Returning Positive Feelings, Falling Back “In Love,” And Putting The Spark Back In Your Marriage: The first thing you need to concentrate on if you want to return love to your marriage is NOT the problems that are causing the distance. This is a mistake that many people make. Wives sometimes want to discuss deep issues, awkward feelings, or problems that they perceive in the marriage. If you don’t remember anything else from this article, please remember this: men are more interested in experiencing the feelings and intimacy between you than in talking about them. While I believe that you absolutely will have to have deep conversations and address (and then fix) any recurring problems, it’s not wise to do this if you are not on very solid footing.

Instead, your first priority should be returning positive feelings of affection and empathy. Believe it or not, you have an advantage here. Why? Because your husband has already fallen deeply in love with you once, so much so that he married you. So, you know the qualities that made him fall in love, and therefore, you probably have a good handle on what he needs to be happy.

When I say this, many women will say, “But I’m not so young anymore,” or “I’m no longer carefree and beautiful.” Rest assured, this isn’t what I mean. While you should absolutely try to appear your very best when interacting with your husband, this doesn’t require that you look like Jessica Simpson.

Think back to when you were first dating your husband. What was it that made you click? I’d be willing to bet that the attention and interest you poured into the relationship made him feel loved, valued, attractive, intelligent, and interesting. Did this have anything to do with your looks? Maybe only a tiny portion. What probably really put a gleam in his eye was the fact that you really gave him your undivided attention and highly valued his happiness. He wants to feel this way again. If you can elicit these positive feelings again, everything else will likely fall back into place.

People deeply in love do not spend their time arguing, ignoring, or being hurtful to one another. This is why even if there are serious issues and problems between you, you should not delve into or fight about them until you can return to a place where both parties are experiencing pleasurable, affectionate, loving, and empathetic feelings. This is important because once you achieve this, working through problems is so much easier.

Mistakes You Shouldn’t Make When Trying To Win Back Your Husband’s Love: So, here is the tricky part. I’ve told you that you must make your husband fall back in love (or at least experience positive and empathetic feelings with you), and I’ve told you to reintroduce the qualities and attributes that made him first fall in love with you in the first place. Now, I’m telling you that you must be careful in the way that you do these things so that they don’t backfire.

Specifically, men do not like to feel manipulated. You can not try too hard here or appear too desperate. If your husband suspects you’re playing games or that this is not genuine, he’s only going to put up a higher wall or make even greater attempts to block you out.

So, while it’s important he knows that you love him and will start placing a higher priority on the happiness you both experience, you don’t want to appear desperate or a doormat. You don’t want to spell out for him what you are doing or why you are doing it.

So, I want you to do those things that bring out your very best qualities and commit to taking care of yourself. I want you to see your friends, spend more time doing the things you love, and appear as happy-go-lucky and as lighthearted as you can. (I know you’re probably thinking this will be a challenge, but it’s very important. I promise you will feel better as a result, and it will bring you closer (not further away) to your goals.)

This will likely pique your husband’s interest and will make you appear alluring and interesting. And, when it does, you will be there, waiting, with open arms.

Once your marriage is back to where you want it, you can then discuss the issues that need your attention and were creating distance, but in my experience, you shouldn’t attempt this until you are back on solid ground.

I had to use this approach when I trying to save my marriage (and was the only one who wanted to). I made a lot of mistakes, but eventually I was able to change course and regain my husband’s interest. We are still married today. You can read more at isavedmymarriage.com/

 

Feeling Resentful and Numb in Your Marriage Because of Your Husband’s Unhappiness? It Could Be “Relationship Burnout”

By: Leslie Cane: You didn’t sign up for a life that felt this heavy. You didn’t think your marriage would ever get to this state.  When you got married, you probably expected there would be ups and downs — every relationship has them. But what you didn’t expect was to feel this resentful, this emotionally drained, and honestly, this numb feeling that may be coming from a husband’s behavior. Because if you’re being really honest with yourself, a lot of it seems to trace back to one thing: your husband’s unhappiness.

Maybe he’s distant. Maybe he’s irritable. Maybe he’s just… there, but not really with you. And somewhere along the way, his emotional weight started falling on your shoulders because he’s telling you straight up that he is unhappy.

So you started adjusting, overcompensating, tiptoeing. You tried to stay upbeat when he was down. You worked harder to hold things together when he seemed disengaged. And after a while, without even realizing it, you became the emotional caretaker of your marriage. You felt it was your job to walk on eggshells and make everything right.

Now? You’re just tired. Not just physically — but mentally, emotionally, deeply tired.

What “Relationship Burnout” Looks Like: This kind of emotional exhaustion isn’t always easy to recognize. Especially when you’re still doing all the “right” things. You’re keeping the household running. You’re making pleasant conversation when you can. You’re showing up for him, again and again, — even when he doesn’t seem to notice or to remotely care.

But inside, you feel disconnected. You go through the motions. You say the words. But something inside you feels like it’s slowly shutting down. Because one person can only hold things up for so long until the walls come crashing down.  You’re not crazy. You’re not cold. You might be burnt out.

Relationship Burnout in a marriage happens when one partner — often the one who cares deeply — ends up carrying the emotional load for too long without enough support, recognition, or connection. Over time, the weight of your husband’s mood, silence, or unhappiness becomes your silent burden.

You try to cheer him up. You walk around tough moments. You tell yourself he’s just going through something and it will pass. But he’s rejecting you over and over. And maybe it’s been months now. Maybe even years.

And now, instead of feeling close to him, you feel worn out by him, and you worry that his unhappiness will lead to divorce or separation.

Rachel Needle, a licensed psychologist, told CNN:

“Relationship burnout is a state of emotional exhaustion that develops when the pressures and demands of maintaining a relationship outweigh the resources and support available to nurture it.”

What You Might Be Thinking: You may not even be able to pinpoint exactly when it started. Maybe it was after a big life change. Or a period of high stress. Or maybe he’s just been unhappy for so long that it’s become the norm — and you didn’t notice how much of yourself you’ve been sacrificing just to keep things functional.

Here’s some things women won’t say out loud, but quietly feel every day:

“I’m tired of being the one who holds it together when he’s the one who’s unhappy.”

“I feel guilty for not feeling connected anymore, but I’ve got nothing left to give.”

“I’m starting to feel like his unhappiness is slowly erasing me.”

“I’ve got to fix his unhappiness soon, or his feelings will break up our family.”

If you relate to that, then you’re not failing — you’re just a wife who is doing the very best she can with what she’s got.

Feeling Relationship Burnout Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Love Your Spouse: The thing about emotional burnout is that it doesn’t mean you don’t love your spouse. It often means you’ve loved him so hard, for so long, without enough coming back, that you’ve emptied yourself.

And eventually, you start to feel resentful — not because you’re a bad partner, but because it feels like you’ve been carrying the marriage on your back while he drifts further away. That resentment can turn into numbness.
And that numbness? It’s your mind and heart trying to protect you. So where do you go from here?

Addressing His Happiness Is The Most Efficient Way Around This: The first step is acknowledging that you’re burnt out. Because if you do this, you will want to take some action. The next step is acknowledging that your husband’s unhappiness has played a real part in that. This isn’t about blame. It’s about truth. Emotional burnout doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It’s usually the result of one partner feeling like they’ve had to do the emotional heavy lifting for too long.

However, if he weren’t so unhappy, you wouldn’t need to tiptoe and clean up after him so much. And that’s your answer. You SHOULDN’T continue to emotionally clean up after him. You should address the real problem and the real elephant in the room – his unhappiness. And that happens in many ways – counseling, difficult conversations between you, truly listening to what is burdening him, and bringing lighthearted happiness back into your home again.

If you successfully address his unhappiness so that he returns to a place of contentment, you don’t have to pretend you’re okay anymore. You don’t have to fake closeness that you don’t feel. And you don’t have to keep taking responsibility for his emotional state at the expense of your own.

You Don’t Have To Be Perfect, But Start: This may feel overwhelming, but it’s not if you take baby steps. Start by trying to make things more lighthearted between you – a walk after dinner, listening to him about work and his stressors, or a board game. Just spend some fun time together. You will dig into the tough things later, but you want to build a foundation where he feels safe confiding in you.

Whatever you do, don’t accept this as the norm. You both deserve more happiness than this. Not just him, but you too. And if you can fix his happiness level. You no longer have to carry the load alone or worry that he will leave.

My husband was very unhappy with me long before he left. I didn’t take my own advice, and we eventually separated. So I had to do this progress backward. I eventually succeeded, but my life would have been easier had I been proactive. You can read about how I got my husband back at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Signs Your Husband Wants To Work Things Out And Save Your Marriage

By: Leslie Cane:  One of the most common questions that I get or am asked on my “save my marriage blog” is what are the signs of a husband who wants a divorce.  I’m rarely asked for signs indicating the opposite.   But, sometimes wives do notice positive changes in their husband’s attitude or stance on the separation or divorce and they’ll ask me how a husband might act when he’s decided that he wants to work things out and save your marriage.  It’s important to recognize these signs, because when your husband’s attitude shifts, so should yours.  If he’s becoming more receptive to working things out, then you’ll want to place your focus on improving your marriage rather than on changing his mind.  So, in the following article, I’ll offer some signs to look for that might indicate that your husband wants to work things out and save your marriage.

He’s Being Attentive And Involved Again: One of the first signs that your husband has checked out of the marriage or might want a separation or divorce is that he will often distance himself from you or your family.  He might not even realize (or will acknowledge) that he’s doing this, but creating distance is often the first step toward going his own way.  If he’s considering leaving or wants out, you might notice that he’s simply not around as much or, when he is, his mind is a million miles away.

However, if he’s decided that he now wants to work things out, the opposite will be true.  You’ll see him making a noticeable attempt to be present both literally, physically, and emotionally.

He’s Showing You Genuine Emotional And Physical Affection: Husbands who want separations or divorces will generally withdraw their affection.  Sometimes, in the beginning stages of a marriage’s decline, you’ll see a little more affection as the husband is attempting to reignite the spark or see if “anything is still there” between you.  But generally speaking, once he begins to distance himself from you and the marriage, you’ll start to see much less physical affection and emotional support.

However, once he decides that he’s committed to working things out, you should see a noticeable (and genuine) difference in the affection that he shows you.  There should be more spontaneous hugs, hand holding, kissing, sex, etc.  Because when one spouse thinks favorably about the other spouse (as well as about the marriage,) physical affection is the natural outcome of those feelings.  If the feelings don’t exist, then the levels of affection will be reflective of this.

He Continues Or Begins To Talk About Your Marital Future: When a man wants a separation or divorce, you generally won’t often hear him discuss your marriage very far into the future.  What is the point of talking about investments , your hopes, your dreams, and your future plans if he doesn’t intend to stick around to see them come to light.  If your husband is suddenly talking about having children, making investments, buying a house, or taking future vacations, then these things are a good sign.

He’s More Willing To Discuss His Feelings And Reservations If This Will Help Your Marriage Become Stronger: It’s no secret that many husbands cringe when their wives ask them to “work” with them on saving the marriage.  And, a man who knows that deep in his heart that he wants a separation or divorce is usually especially resistant to anything that would save the marriage.  But, if the tide is turning and he truly wants to work things out, you’ll often see him put his reluctance or discomfort aside in order to do what’s best for the marriage.

This is generally when you’ll see him agree to counseling or respond to your requests that he share any concerns or issues with you so that you can both work through them. You should see an openness and willingness to be honest, even if he’s uncomfortable discussing his feelings (as many men are.)

He Tells You That He Wants To Save The Marriage In A Genuine And Believable Way And Then Follows These Assertions With Actions And Behaviors That Match His Words: It’s not at all uncommon for me to hear from wives whose husband is insisting that he wants to work things out and to save the marriage, but his actions are not corresponding with his words.  In other words, many husbands will insist that they want to save their marriages, but they continue to distance themselves from their wives.  Sometimes, a man will tell you what he thinks you want to hear and then go right out and act contrary to what he has said.

That’s why you’re looking for genuine and heart felt words that are followed by the actions that back them up.  You want to hear the words, but you also want to see and feel the affection, the effort, and the changes that are taking place.

If I’m Not Seeing These Signs, Does This Mean That My Husband Doesn’t Want To Work Things Out?: Not necessarily.  Often, when I share these signs with wives, I’ll be meant with some anxiety.  Many wives will say that they’ve seen one or two of these signs but certainly not all of them.  They worry that this means that their husband doesn’t truly want to save the marriage.  This isn’t always the case.  Like us, men can have some doubts and fears and might be taking a “wait and see” attitude.  They might want to save their marriage, but aren’t sure if it’s going to be possible.  Or they may really want to work things out, but they don’t like feeling so vulnerable when they’re stepping outside of their comfort zone by focusing on their feelings.

The point is, if you’re seeing all of these signs (or even not many of them,) embrace the positive signals that you are seeing and then continue to work on your marriage with an upbeat and positive attitude that is often infectious. I firmly believe that it’s possible to save your marriage when your husband still has doubts or isn’t fully cooperating, especially in the early stages of the process.  It’s a little more involved than if you have his full cooperation, but it’s certainly possible.  And even wives who see all of these signs still have work to do.  Merely having two people who are willing to save the marriage doesn’t mean that it’s automatically going to be saved.  It takes work, some skill, some luck, and a very workable plan that’s eventually carried out by both people.

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t see many of these signs in my own marriage.  My own husband was very reluctant to work things out with me. Trying to convince and strong arm him to change his mind back fired on me in a big way. Luckily, I decided to show him my sincerity and love for him with my genuine actions rather than my words. And it worked. You can read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/ . Also, if you’re having trouble transitioning from wanting to save your marriage to actually having it happen, there’s some good free resources on the side of this blog.

Why Do I Have All Of These Trust Issues With My Husband?

By: Leslie Cane: One of the recurring issues that I hear about regarding saving marriages is that of trust. Let’s face it. Often, your spouse is the person whom you have to trust most in the world. We often combine our finances with theirs. We share parenting responsibilities with them. Should we not be able to make our own medical or financial decisions, this would fall to them. But more than all of this, we trust them with our delicate hearts. We trust them to return the love that we give them. We trust that when we leave our hearts vulnerable, and when we trust them not to break it, they will come through for us. Sometimes, even when our spouse has done nothing to encourage our fear, we spend a lot of time worrying if this trust has been misplaced. We can have a lot of anxiety about getting hurt – which means that we can’t trust freely. As a result, we can develop recurring trust issues. Many of us are confused about this. We don’t understand what drives these fears. And we are worried that this is hurting our marriage.

A wife might have a concern about a scenario like this one: “Over the past couple of years, I have developed trust issues with my husband. None of this is his fault, necessarily. He has never cheated on me. He has never told me a huge lie. For the most part, he is extremely trustworthy. But he is also incredibly good-looking. I see women staring at him all of the time. Some openly flirt with him. Most of the time, he tries to deflect this. He doesn’t do anything wrong, really. But more and more, I find that I panic at the thought he might like the attention. Or that, if the conditions are right, he might cheat on me. Or want a divorce. Or not love me as much as I love him. When I question my husband because of these trust issues or I cling too tightly, my husband gets a little angry and frustrated. He rightly says that he hasn’t done anything wrong. He’s right. But I can’t seem to stop. And I don’t understand why I’m doing this. Why do I have all of these trust issues? And how can I stop before it destroys us?”

Look At Your Past Issues With Have Nothing To Do With Your Husband: I’m not a mental health specialist, but I, too, had a lot of trust issues in my marriage. And it damaged my marriage horribly. In fact, it was probably one of the contributing factors of my separation. I did spend some time exploring this issue. And I determined that much of my trust issues came from my parents’ divorce and its aftermath. Once my parents abruptly separated, my father left our home and never returned. His presence in my life was much less prominent once the divorce was final. It was a huge loss for me because I was extremely close to my dad. It wasn’t a conscious thought, but I think somewhere along the way I internalized the idea that people who you love the most might leave you.

A couple of years after my parents’ divorce, I met my first love. We were together for many years. I had never loved anyone as much as I loved my dad – until I met him. I poured my entire heart into the relationship. But when I was in a college that was about four hours away, he cheated on me.  Somewhere in my mind I started to think that if you give your whole heart to someone, they’ll eventually betray you or leave.

Ask If Your Husband Is Paying The Price For Someone Else’s Mistake: I think that all of us have experiences with a loved one letting us down. And regardless of how much we tell ourselves that we have moved on or forgotten, it still hurts. We can’t forget. My husband had to pay the price for my father and my first love. He did nothing wrong, but I didn’t trust him because these two men hurt me. This isn’t fair to anyone.

Understand The Role Of Vulnerability In Trust: I also think there’s a universal fear of feeling vulnerable. Vulnerability doesn’t feel safe, which feels uncomfortable. Vulnerability feels like risk. So as much as we may want to love someone unconditionally and without fear, it’s quite hard because almost no one goes through life without having their heart broken. And that is so painful, that you never want to repeat it. And so you are always on your guard, which erodes the trust.

Another issue is a lack of confidence. We think that our spouse is much more attractive than we are. So we worry that eventually they are going to find someone better once our back is turned.

How do we stop this? Here are just a couple of suggestions. First of all, boost your own confidence. Wouldn’t it help if you had the confidence to see those women look at your husband and think something like: “that’s right. Have a good look. He’s gorgeous, isn’t he? And he’s all mine.” And then rather than look at your husband with anger because of the attention (which he can’t help) give him a hug and think about how lucky you are to have him and how you are going to enjoy every minute of it.

Another thing that you want to do is to understand that you do not want your behavior to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sometimes our fear of losing our spouse actually drives them away. Vow to not act on your distrust unless your spouse gives you a reason to. If your spouse is doing nothing wrong, then you may have to literally stop yourself from acting on your distrust. Because when you do, you almost encourage your spouse to be secretive to avoid making you anxious. And this only reinforces the trust issue. Sometimes, you just have to dive in and stop the behavior. Once you do this, you’ll often see you had nothing to worry about to begin with.

I try really hard not to let these issues continue to erode my marriage.  I worked too hard to get my spouse home after our separation.  So I refuse to make him pay for the mistakes that other men have made.  There’s more to read on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

What to Do When You Don’t Want a Divorce: A Three-Step Plan To Help Put You On The Path To Saving Your Marriage

If you’ve found this article, I will assume that either you or your spouse have mentioned divorcing or separating, or your marriage is in real trouble and headed in a direction that you’d like to change. This article is written from my experience. Thus, some of the things I will advise may at first seem to go against what you’re naturally inclined to do, but please bear with me.

What Not To Do When You Want To Stop A Divorce: Before I tell you what you should do, it’s very important to know what you shouldn’t do. Doing any of the things I’m going to list will feel natural and may even feel like a relief to let off some steam, but these things will also drive your spouse further away from you, deteriorate your relationship more, and bring you closer to divorce. No matter what you have done in the past, do not beg, threaten, negotiate with, cajole, berate, stalk, constantly contact, or repeatedly question your spouse and/or push his or her buttons. These things will only confirm to your spouse that you are unstable and act in a way in he or she wants to escape. ( I know this because this is exactly what happened in my case.)

Now, I realize that maybe these tactics have worked in the past, but this hurts your cause even more. Why? Because your spouse is expressing that he wants out, and he’s seen this act before. So, when you start with all of the theatrics, he/she will either tune you out, or dig in his or her heels to not let this method work this time around.

A Three-Step Plan: If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this. People run from what makes them feel bad, unsure, and has exposed them to negative feelings and run toward what makes them feel good about themselves and what they find enjoyable. I’m not saying you don’t have every right to feel furious, betrayed, confused, or confrontational right now, but you can’t show this to your spouse. Doing so will drive them further away. Let these feelings out to a trusted friend or when you are alone.

Your goal in saving your marriage is really three-fold. First, you want to diffuse the anger, awkwardness, and bad feelings and replace them with cordial, comfortable, and good feelings. Obviously, this may take time. But, what you want is for your spouse not to run when they see you coming, but to smile.

Now, this may mean letting the spouse have the space he’s requested at first. You may even need to say that you agree with a break for both of you (the time away will greatly diffuse the situation). Once the bad feelings begin to wane, then you begin to take incredibly small baby steps to restore those good feelings I’m talking about.

Second, you want to replace the image that your spouse currently has of you with the one he fell in love with. This person is the one who made your spouse feel so good, he wanted to be with that person forever. Now, it’s very important to realize this can’t happen overnight. If you just suddenly say, “Hey, guess what,t honey? I’ve decided on going to change. Do you like the new me?,” your spouse is going to go into defensive mode again. What you have to do instead is to offer little glimpses of this person during very short, no-pressure, light-hearted events whenever you are together.

Third, you’ll need to address and fix the problems that brought about talks of divorce in the first place. However, I can not stress enough that this should be done very late in the game. Your relationship must be on very stable ground before it can withstand serious discussions or problem-solving. For most of the reconciliation process (even if you’re the only one who knows you are reconciling), you want to keep it enjoyable and produce the kind of environment that makes everyone feel good.

Depending on the current state of your relationship and how receptive your spouse is to you right now, this will take time. Always take it as slow as you can. It’s better to have your spouse as the one wanting more, since people want what they think is rare, unattainable, or worth waiting for.

If it helps, you can read about how I saved my marriage in a similar situation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Does Husbands Ever Come Back After Moving Out? If So, How Many?

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are living alone because their husband has left and moved out. They often very much want for their husbands to move back home eventually, but they don’t know how realistic this is going to be. Often, he has shown considerable resistance to any attempt to lure him back. As a result, the wife can begin to wonder if she is just setting herself up for disappointment by hoping that he will one day return.

A comment that would demonstrate this is something like: “my husband left me and moved out about eight months ago. It feels like forever instead of eight months. But in many ways, it feels like yesterday because nothing has really changed. There are times when I feel like we haven’t made any real progress. My husband avoids me as much as he possibly can. Sometimes, he apparently gets lonely and then for a little while, he will be nice to me again but then he will eventually pull away and the cycle starts all over again. Some of my friends tell me that I am a fool if I do not begin moving forward with my life. They ask me why I can’t see that my husband isn’t ever coming back. I know that this possibility exists, but I can’t help but wonder if he is never coming back, then why not just go ahead and divorce me? He hasn’t made any attempt to do that. I’m wondering if husbands ever come back once they have moved out. And if so, how many?”

Well, I can tell you that husbands do come back. My own did. And many wives comment on my blog that their husbands came back also. I don’t want to give you the impression that it always happens. But, it’s not rare either. I don’t have any official statistics about husbands who have moved out and later returned. But it’s not uncommon for people to tell me that were able to reconcile even after their husband had been gone and moved out for a while. And, there are plenty of people who admit that they haven’t yet been able to get their spouses back. Granted, there are some husbands who are determined to never come back and who, despite what you do or say, are very resistant. But there are others who eventually come around. So what separates the husband who stay gone and those that come back? I’ll mention some of the variables that I often see in the following article.

A Man Is More Likely To Come Back If He Believes That He Is Not Coming Back To The Same Problems: I can probably save you a lot of time and aggravation by telling you that often, begging him to come home without making real and lasting changes isn’t likely to work. Many of us (myself included) believe that if we keep talking and we keep telling him why he should come back because we are so lost without him, he will eventually “give in” and make his way home. But what we don’t count on at the time is that even if he does come back, he will do so begrudgingly. And, if he comes back and nothing has changed, what is to keep him from leaving again when things fall apart once more?

As much as you want him to come home, there’s a better way. The best way to get him to come home is to show him (rather than continuing to tell him) that things can and will change. And, depending on what your issues are, you might need some help making that change. But, doing so is worth the effort because it is (at least in my experience and opinion) the most effective way to make him feel that it is going to be to his benefit to come home.

Another variable that matters is if you can recreate or restore the intimacy between you. No one wants to come home and worry that it is going to be awkward or that things are going to feel forced. But, if he knows that he can easily walk into a comfortable and nurturing situation, he is most much likely to very willingly want to come home. This can take time and it can’t be forced. It can also be a good idea to ease him into the idea of coming home.

You start very small with just seeing one another regularly without any talk of him coming home and without any pressure. When that goes well, you begin going out and having fun. Once that is moving along nicely, you might have him begin to stay weekends. By moving gradually in this way, you’re allowing for things to unravel at a very realistic pace which takes much of the pressure off. And this gives you both more confidence that things are going to go well once he does move back home.

But to answer the original question, yes, men do move back home all of the time. It’s not even all that rare. The key is to inspire him to want to come home rather than the goal being just to wear him down so that he reluctantly comes home before he’s really ready to do so.

There was a time when I too thought that my husband would never come home.  But he did.  I was lucky because I had a plan that worked.  I realize that not all men come home, but I believe that many do. If it helps, you can read more about how I was able to navigate our separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Should You Reach Out to Your Husband After Separation? What Helps (and What Hurts)

By: Leslie Cane: I hear from a lot of women who are walking a very fine emotional tightrope. Their husband has left. Maybe he says he needs space. Maybe he says he’s not sure if he wants the marriage anymore. Maybe he won’t give you any reason at all. And now, these panicked wives  are left wondering:

“Should I reach out to him? Will it help—or just push him further away?”

It’s a painful, confusing place to be. Your heart says yes. Your fear says no. And your mind can’t seem to decide what’s “right.”

If you’re stuck in that space, I want to walk with you through some things to think about. Because whether or not you reach out isn’t just about timing—it’s about how and why you do it. And about how you can do it successfully. Some approaches reopen the door. Others gently close it without meaning to.

Let’s look at what truly helps—and what quietly hurts your chances.

What Often Hurts When You Reach Out Too Soon Or In The Wrong Way: Let’s start here, because so many women fall into these patterns (and I say that with complete compassion—because I did it, too).

One of the things that hurt your attempts at reconciliation is reaching out from panic, fear, or desperation
If your message feels like: “Why won’t you talk to me?” “I don’t understand how you could do this to us.”
“Please come home. I can’t do this without you.”

Then chances are, he’s going to emotionally recoil. Not because he doesn’t care, but because it reinforces the very pressure or tension that may have caused him to pull away in the first place. No one wants to feel like they are solely responsible for someone else’s well-being.

Another thing that hurts is trying to force resolution too quickly Many women want clarity and reassurances—now. They reach out, hoping for answers to questions like: “Do you still love me?” “Are we going to fix this?” “Is there someone else?”

But if a husband has stepped away to process or protect his emotions, being cornered for decisions he’s not ready to make will usually lead to more silence and distance —not progress.

The third big mistake I see is using guilt instead of grace. Statements like, “After everything I’ve done for you…” or “You’re tearing this family apart,” may feel true, but they rarely create the kind of emotional opening you’re hoping for. They make him feel like a bad person, and it’s just human nature to want to flee that kind of accusation.

What Helps When You Reach Out With Purpose and Balance: Here’s the good news: you can reach out. But the tone, timing, and intention make all the difference.

The first thing you can do it reach out from a place of calm, not chaos. Before you type that message or pick up the phone, ask yourself: “Am I doing this because I need something right now? Or because I’m strong enough to offer something instead?”

When you reach out from emotional steadiness, your message will land very differently. Try simple openings like: “Just thinking of you today. I hope you’re doing okay,” or “No pressure, but I’m here if and when you feel ready to talk.” Or “No pressure, but I’m here if and when you feel ready to talk” can gently re-open the door without pushing it off the hinges.

Give Him The Space To Miss You: Sometimes silence is not punishment—it’s strategy.
Giving space allows natural longing to develop. If he hears from you every few hours or every day, he never has the chance to wonder, “What is she doing? Is she okay? Do I miss her?” That gap matters more than most people realize.

Send Signs of Peace, Not Pressure: Instead of saying, “We need to talk,” try:
“I’m focused on approaching this in a healthy way at the pace that works for us both. No expectations—I just wanted you to know that I’m open to talking when you are.”

This shows maturity, patience, and confidence. It invites, but it doesn’t demand.

My Honest Answer About Reaching Out During A Separation: If you’re asking whether it’s always wrong to reach out after a separation, the answer is no. But if you’re asking whether reaching out will automatically fix things or speed up his return, the answer is also no.

What I’ve seen over and over again is this: It’s not reaching out that makes the difference. It’s how you make him feel when you do. If your message stirs guilt, pressure, or tension—he’s likely to shut down. If your message creates calm, curiosity, or comfort—he’s more likely to stay open.

So yes, you can reach out. But make sure you do it when you’re emotionally centered (even if still hurting,) you’re not demanding anything from him, and you’re  strong enough not to fall apart if he doesn’t immediately respond the way you hope

Because sometimes the most powerful message isn’t “I need you.” It’s “I’m still here, but I’m okay—even now.”

That’s the kind of strength that pulls a man back toward you, even after he’s walked away. I know this because I had to use this same messaging to lure my husband back after he left. You can read about how I did that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

How to Rebuild a Connection After Your Husband Has Walked Out

By: Leslie Cane: I get a lot of heartbreaking messages from women who say something like this:

“My husband has left. He literally just walked out on me. He says he needs space. That he’s not happy. That he doesn’t think we’re compatible anymore. But I still love him. I don’t want to give up on our marriage. Is there anything I can do to rebuild the connection—even now that he has already walked out on me? ”

Let me start by saying: yes, there absolutely is something you can do. In fact, many women are able to reconnect with their husbands even after a separation, but not in the way you may think. They are not turning things around by chasing, begging, or forcing the issue. They’re not manipulating, shaming, or playing games. In my experience, it’s the subtle, calm, and strategic actions that make the most impact. These are the ones that work.

So if your husband has left, and you’re feeling desperate or unsure of how to fix things, I want to gently suggest some strategies that actually work—and some that often backfire.

Don’t Chase. Don’t Try to Drag Or Manipulate Him Back: I know this feels counterintuitive.
Your heart is probably telling you to reach out immediately, to ask him why he left, to explain all the things you’re willing to change right away. But the truth is, the more you chase him, the more space he feels he needs, and the more he feels like he wants to get away from you. Why? Because your energy feels anxious, and that reinforces his narrative that “something is broken” between you. And that he feels better when he isn’t around you.

Instead, try this: pull back just a little.
Not in a passive-aggressive way. Not in a cold or punishing way. But in a graceful, centered way. Let him feel your strength—not your panic. That strength will often surprise him. It may intrque him and he may begin to wonder just what is behind it.

Focus on Rebuilding Yourself Before Rebuilding “Us:” This is a tough one, but it’s crucial.
When a man leaves, part of him is often unsure. He may feel confused, disoriented, or like he’s lost a version of you that he once loved. We often assume that the person who decides to leave didn’t struggle in that decision, but often, the truth is the opposite. It probably was not easy for him to walk out that door and leave life as he knew it behind. So if he begins to sense that you, and your marriage, are still there beneath the frustration, it can spark something.

That’s why this is the time to quietly return to the best parts of yourself. The part of you that was confident. Interesting. Whole. I’m not saying you’re “less than” right now. And I’m not saying this is easy when you’re in pain—but it is powerful to find that strong piece of you that you can fall back on.

Ask yourself what you stopped doing that used to make you happy, if you’ve let resentments change the way you show yourself, and if you’re putting forth the version of yourself you want your husband to see right now.

Make Small, Safe Contact (When the Time Is Right”) Once you’ve allowed some breathing room, you may want to open a small door. This does not mean sending long, emotional texts or rehashing the past. It means gentle, non-threatening communication.

This could sound like: “Just wanted to say I hope you’re doing okay today.” Or “I’m taking care of myself and staying busy, but I’m here if you ever want to talk.”

The key is tone. Calm. Soft. Secure. You’re not pressuring. You’re not demanding. You’re not manipulating You’re simply reminding him, without saying it outright, that you’re still a woman worth coming home to.

Be Patient—Real Connection Builds Quietly Over Time: One of the hardest parts of rebuilding a connection after separation is accepting that it won’t happen overnight. It’s so tempting when you make progress to pounce. Don’t. Your husband may test the waters slowly. He might send mixed signals. One day, he talks to you kindly, the next, he pulls away. Or he may even act angry and cold.

This is normal. It doesn’t mean there’s no hope. It just means he’s watching and waiting to see if the old cycle will repeat—or if something is genuinely different now. He may well be testing you. So stay steady. Don’t react to every up and down. Let your calm presence become something he actually misses.

You Rebuild the Connection by Rebuilding The Invitation: A man who walks out doesn’t always stay gone. In many cases, what he really wants is to feel something again. To feel attraction. Connection. Peace.

You don’t create that by panicking or pushing. You create it by shifting the energy between you. By becoming a woman who radiates quiet strength, calm self-respect, and genuine openness, without pressure.

You can do this. Even if it feels hopeless now, I’ve seen too many marriages come back from the brink to stop believing in that possibility. Even mine. My husband walked out the door. My husband wanted nothing to do with me and was distant, cold, and seemingly unreachable. Yet, I am still married today. Because I worked a methodical plan. You can read about how I did that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

My Husband Says He’s No Longer Happy With Me. How Can I Make Things Good Between Us Again When I’m The Only One Who Is Invested?

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are reeling after hearing words no wife ever wants to hear: “I’m just not happy anymore.” Sometimes, the husband says it gently. Sometimes, it comes out during an argument or a serious conversation. Sometimes, he straight up tells you – not caring how much it hurts. Either way, the impact is the same—heartbreak, panic, and confusion.

Many of these wives have no idea how things got to this point. Sure, perhaps they knew they weren’t newlyweds anymore, but they weren’t prepared for a blatantly unhappy husband. They know something needs to change—but they don’t know where to begin. They just know they want their husband to feel connected again. They want their marriage to feel good again.

A wife might say,

“My husband sat me down and said he wasn’t happy anymore. He said we’re not the same people, and this isn’t the same marriage. He says we used to rush home to each other, and now we just rush through lives that don’t include each other. He says he doesn’t feel the same attraction to me, and he doesn’t think he can get that happiness back. I don’t believe that. I know life is different now, but we’re still the same two people underneath. I love him. I want this to work. But how can I make things good between us again when he’s telling me it may not even be possible? When he may not even let me try?”

If you’re in a similar place, I want you to take a deep breath and hear this: It is possible to reconnect. You don’t have to fix everything overnight. You don’t have to be perfect. But you do need to understand how to gently shift the emotional dynamic between you—without pushing too hard so that you scare him off or losing yourself in the process.

Let me explain what I’ve seen work time and time again.

You Don’t Have to Solve Everything Overnight (And You Shouldn’t Try To:) When a husband says he’s not happy, the natural impulse is to fix it immediately. Many wives think, “If I don’t turn this around fast, he’s going to leave me.”

So they scramble—changing everything, apologizing constantly, and sometimes smothering their husband in the process. In short, they are trying to do too much too soon and the husband feels overwhelmed, not better.

I understand the panic. I’ve felt it myself. But here’s the thing: your marriage didn’t unravel overnight, and it’s not going to rebuild overnight either. If you try to force instant closeness, it can feel awkward or fake—for both of you. It might even make your husband retreat further. Because who wants to come home to feeling awkward if you can avoid it?

What works better is starting slowly and intentionally. Begin by shifting the atmosphere between you. Focus on connection, not correction. Don’t try to rehash every problem or demand big emotional breakthroughs. Those things may come in time—but only after the foundation starts to feel safe again.

Sure, you may have problems you need to examine and fix – eventually. And you’ll get there. But your marriage may not be able to withstand that right now. So start small. Just start with making things light instead of heavy.

Start Where You Already Are (Not Where You Wish You Were:) Even if things feel bleak, there is usually something good still alive between you. Maybe it’s your children. Maybe it’s a shared sense of humor. Maybe there’s still warmth in small moments—like how you hand him his coffee in the morning, or how you still catch his eye across the room. Maybe it’s because you’ve known him for so long, that you still know him better than anyone else.

You don’t need to build a perfect marriage. You just need to find that sliver of good and gently grow from there.

Many wives make the mistake of diving into the problems first. They want to talk it all out and dissect where everything went wrong. The thinking is: “If we can fix our problems, we’ll be happy again”. But the truth is often the reverse: If you can feel happy again, the problems become easier to fix.

So laugh when something’s funny. Let things be light when they can be. Rebuild good feelings before you try to rebuild trust or intimacy. One naturally leads to the other.

Make the Process Pleasant—Not Painful: This might surprise you, but I often tell women not to make this about fixing a marriage. Instead, think of it as reconnecting with your husband as a person. Try to rediscover him, not fix him.

That may sound subtle, but it makes a world of difference. The woman your husband fell in love with was likely fun, playful, emotionally generous, and curious about him. She fully accepted him for who he was. She wasn’t panicked, hurt, or trying to prove herself. She was just… herself.

So bring her back—not for show, not to manipulate, but because she’s still in there somewhere. She’s been buried under years of obligations and life – we all deal with this through no fault of our own. But she’s not gone.

Let your husband feel that version of you again. Not by telling him things will change, but by letting him see it. Show him that you’re still that woman, and that you’re capable of joy—even in this uncertain moment. Smile when you can. Flirt a little. Be affectionate when it feels right. Let there be some softness, some levity, some play again.

That doesn’t mean you ignore the serious stuff. It just means you let the connection rebuild before trying to tackle all the deeper issues.

What Worked for Me (After I Made Every Mistake in the Book:) In my own marriage, it was my husband who said he wasn’t happy. And just like many wives do, I initially panicked. I overexplained, over-apologized, and overanalyzed. I thought if I could just solve all our problems, I’d win him back. I wanted to negotiate. I wanted to explain.

It didn’t work.

What eventually did work was showing up as the woman he fell for—not perfectly, not dramatically, but gradually. I started choosing connection over conflict. I focused on our shared life, our laughter, and the calm confidence that I had something worth saving.

It didn’t happen overnight. But over time, we found our way back. And I believe you can, too. If you’d like to read the full story of how I saved my marriage (and what I learned along the way), you can find it here:
http://isavedmymarriage.com