Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives are hoping for a collaborative effort from their husbands to eventually save their marriage. They want their husbands in regular touch, to show care and concern, and to still be somewhat involved in their life and their marriage. Sure, they’re separated, but they are still married. They still care about one another, and with a little effort, they should be able to make this work.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the reality that many separated wives deal with. Instead, they have husbands who go somewhat silent. The husband doesn’t want to participate in a collaborative effort just yet. He wants to go off on his own, focus on his own wants and needs, and evaluate how he’s feeling as time passes. These actions can look very selfish to a wife who is ready, willing, and able to do whatever is necessary to save her marriage right away.

Her Perception: She might say, “When my husband and I began talking about a separation, he said that it shouldn’t be long and that he just needed a little time to sort himself out. He made it sound like he would almost be in constant contact, that he would still consider me his wife, and he would still respect our marriage vows. Honestly, he made it sound like a quick break that would be over soon – at which time we would come back stronger than ever. “

“Looking back now, I think he painted it this way so that I wouldn’t fight him too hard in agreeing to it. He knew I didn’t want to separate, but he thought he would sweeten the pot by making it seem not so bad. Well, it has been bad. It seems that he doesn’t consider me at all. He barely calls. We’ve only seen each other a couple of times for a very short period. He goes out and has a good time and doesn’t care about how upset I am and that I am sitting at home alone and fretting about when this will be over. When things happen with or to me, he doesn’t reach out with concern. Instead, I hear silence. This is extremely upsetting to me. I feel like he’s being incredibly selfish. But when I try to tell him this, he gets angry, and things get worse.”

As Frustrating as This Behavior is, It’s Very Common: I understand how you feel. It’s scary and painful to worry that your husband is starting to ease you out of his life. It can make you feel as if a divorce is on the horizon and that he lied to you about his intention toward it this entire time. But before you go assuming the worst-case scenario, you should know that a separated husband appearing to be selfish is actually quite common. Husbands in this situation want to take the time to focus on themselves and see what they’re feeling and experiencing.

I know that it feels like he’s doing all of this at the exclusion of you. I felt that way also. But, this behavior usually isn’t malicious, and sometimes it doesn’t last. As he gets used to separated life, he will sometimes settle in and realize that there is more than one person to consider. 

Be Careful When Accusing Him of Selfishness:  As you’ve already seen, husbands in this situation will often get defensive when you try to make them feel guilty about their behavior. In their minds, they’re not doing anything wrong, and they sometimes feel that you are expecting too much when you demand that they abruptly change course. Then, in response, they might become even more secretive and standoffish, which would make all of this feel that much worse. 

How to Approach Him Instead of Accusing Him:  If his behavior is really upsetting and you don’t want to try to just wait him out, you should probably come at him gently. For example, if you’re hurt that he didn’t call when he knew you had a hard time, you’d want to be careful about using “I” rather than “you” statements when bringing this to attention.  

You might try something like, “I am not saying this to argue, but I must admit that I was hurt when you didn’t call me. I thought we agreed that we would keep in regular communication, and it felt like a rejection when I didn’t hear from you. I know that you’re feeling things out since you’re on your own. I know that is something that we both have to do, but I’d appreciate it if you’d reach out sometimes so that I don’t feel forgotten. I realize that you didn’t intend to hurt me. I’m just sharing that this is how I’m feeling right now.”

See how he responds. If he gets defensive, then back off some and come at it again on another day when things are calm between you.

Another thing that you can do is model the behavior you want to see from him. If you want to see him have concern for you, show concern for him. If you want more contact, try sending a quick text that he can answer at his convenience. (But if he resists, back off for a bit.) In this way, you’re showing him what you are hoping for in a non-confrontational way, and you’re hoping that he will follow suit eventually.

I know that this is very painful. I, too, have been there. But sometimes, it will sort itself out without your needing to do much more than be patient. Other times, you’ll have to gently nudge him and demonstrate more appropriate behavior. But it doesn’t mean things can’t and won’t change eventually. You just have to be careful not to alienate him with your displeasure. 

I made that mistake, and it was very hard to recover from. He became distant, angry, and defensive. And I had a lot of work to do to clean up that mess. Once I eventually figured out how, the dynamic between us changed, and I was on track to save my marriage.  You can read about how I did it at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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