Signs Of A Husband Who Is No Longer Emotionally Connected To His Wife

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are mourning the lack of a connection in their marriage.  Many worry that the emotional bond is no longer there.  I heard from a wife who said: “I don’t think that my husband is emotionally connected to me anymore.  He’s very cold and distant toward me.  Last week, I lost a dear friend of mine to illness.  I was sitting in the living room balling my eyes out and my husband just walked past me without saying a word.  Five years ago, he would have taken me in his arms and comforted me, but he did nothing.  This is just one example, but for months I’ve noticed him distancing himself from me emotionally.  What are some additional signs that I can look for that might indicate that he is no longer connected to me? And if I’m right about this, does it mean my marriage is over?”  I will address these questions in the following article.  And I will tell you that I think are some telltale signs that the emotional connection is wavering.

He’s Continuously Distant And Cold: The wife could have been correct in her concerns.  The above description of a husband walking right by his sobbing wife is disturbing.  But, this could have been an isolated incident.  Perhaps the husband himself was upset by the friend’s death.  There was no way to tell without having more information.  The wife would be in the best position to evaluate whether this distance was a reoccurring issue.  It can be helpful to try to take an objective look at how often he affectionately touches or talks to you.  Because when people have an emotional connection, they will often touch or reach out to one another without even thinking about it.  They will naturally want to ask about one another’s day or have discussions to find out what is going on with the other.  If this isn’t happening, it’s important to take notice and see if you can pinpoint any other areas of your marriage that might cause concern.

You Notice Changes In Your Sex Life: People often assume that sex is an activity that is based more on a physical or chemical attraction.  This is partly true.  But many married couples who have good and satisfying sex lives also have a very strong emotional connection.  Because if you are not invested emotionally, then the physical manifestation of that connection is not going to happen as often, if at all.   So if you are noticing negative changes in your sex life, this might be another indication that you’re losing that emotional bond.

He’s Avoiding Spending Time Alone With You: The harsh reality is that when you do not feel connected to someone, you aren’t going to be all that excited about spending time alone with them.  It’s just not your priority because you just don’t find it to be a lot of fun.  So you tend to just avoid the situation altogether.  If you notice that your spouse is working late, going out with friends, sitting in front of the TV, getting up quickly from the dinner table, or turning down your requests to spend time together, then these things are all red flags that he’s avoiding you for some reason.  There’s no way to tell (at least without asking) if these things are due to emotional disconnect.  But they are indicative of a spouse who isn’t all that excited about spending quality time with you.

He’s Breaking Away To Do Things On His Own Or To Assert His Independence: When your husband is losing emotional interest in you, then you will sometimes see him begin to break away from your marriage and live more as an individual or in a way that would be indicative of a single person.  You might see him having dinner with friends without you or going on trips without asking you to go along.   This may indicate that your spouse is beginning to think of themselves more as an individual and less as part of a whole.

If Your Husband Is Losing His Emotional Connection To You, Does This Mean That Your Marriage Is In Trouble Or Over? In my opinion, it does mean that you should pay attention or even consider taking some action. And, a loss of the emotional connection can be a serious warning sign that your marriage is in trouble, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage is over.   You can always improve your situation and therefore improve your marriage.  And I am living proof that you can return the emotional connection to your marriage even when it has been long gone.

Frankly, the first step in getting the connection back is noticing that it’s gone.  Many wives live in denial and tell themselves that they’ve been married such a long time that they have become comfortable.  In my experience, even comfortable couples who are emotionally connected still reach out to one another, make time for one another, and know without any doubt that they are loved.  If you have any questions about this, then that is a good indication that you can make some major improvements in this area.

So how do you get the connection back?  By turning your time, attention, and focus back to your marriage.  Be a good listener.  Show your spouse that you appreciate them.  Pay attention to the cues and clues that they are giving you.  Be vulnerable and not afraid to reach out to them even when they are not reaching out to you. Remember the things that drew you together in the first place and don’t make excuses or tell yourself that things will work out on their own.

Sometimes, the worst thing that you can do is ignore a problem and hope that it goes away.  Taking the right kind of action at the right time is almost always the better call.  If I had taken action the second I began to notice my husband’s emotional distance, it might have saved a lot of time and aggravation.  But I didn’t.  And this meant that saving my marriage was a longer and more difficult process.  However, once I understood some basic truths about human nature, the pieces all fell into place and I was able to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story from beginning to end on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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What To Do When Your Husband Says You Make Him Unhappy

by: Leslie Cane: I recently heard from a wife who had been gently asking her husband what was wrong for quite some time. He seemed miserable, withdrawn, and unhappy, yet whenever she checked in, he brushed it off. At first, he told her it was work stress. That explanation made sense, and she gave him space. But when his work situation improved and his mood did not, she continued to ask, hoping there was something she could do.

Eventually, the answer came out sharply and painfully. He snapped that it was her. That it was the marriage. That being married was what made him so unhappy.

The truth is, the wife was hurt, but she was not entirely shocked. She had felt the distance growing for a while. She had sensed the resentment, even if she did not want to believe it. Still, hearing it stated so bluntly was devastating. She tried to ask for specifics, hoping for something concrete she could understand or address. But he could not, or would not, offer much more than repeating that she and the marriage were the problem.

Understandably, she felt angry and defensive. It did not seem fair to blame her for every frustration in his life. Deep down, she suspected that even if they separated or divorced, his unhappiness would not simply disappear. Life does not work that way. And yet, once the initial shock wore off, she realized something important. She did not want to lose her marriage. She loved her husband. Her family mattered deeply to her.

What she wanted to know was how to respond. Was there anything she could do to help him feel happier again? The idea that he was so miserable saddened her, and despite knowing it was not all her fault, she could not help but feel a creeping sense of guilt. She wondered if her behavior really was contributing to his unhappiness.

Here is what I told her.

He May Be Wrong, But His Feelings Still Matter: You are probably right that it is unfair for your husband to blame his misery entirely on you and the marriage. There is simply no way that every problem in his life can be traced back to one person or one relationship. That does not make logical sense, and it is not just.

However, even when a perception is not rooted in reality, it still feels very real to the person experiencing it. In your husband’s mind, his unhappiness feels connected to the marriage, whether that connection is accurate or not.

The difficult part is that there is no fast way to argue someone out of their feelings. You can present facts, defend yourself, and point out inconsistencies, but all that usually accomplishes is more distance. When someone feels misunderstood, they rarely become more open. More often, they dig in deeper.

If your husband begins to see you as his adversary, as the person standing in the way of his happiness, the situation is likely to worsen. That does not mean you have to accept blame that is not yours. It does mean that acknowledging his unhappiness as a shared concern can put you in a stronger position. Sympathy does not equal admission of guilt. It simply says, “I see that you are hurting, and I care.”

Looking Back at What Once Brought You Together: In many marriages, wives are more attuned to emotional shifts than husbands. You may be able to pinpoint exactly what feels off. Many men cannot. When asked to explain their unhappiness, they often grab onto the most obvious target, which is frequently the person closest to them.

This is not always intentional. Often, it is projection. Your husband may be disappointed in several areas of his life. His job may still bother him more than he admits. Other unmet expectations may be weighing on him. But what hurts the most is often the feeling that the marriage no longer provides the comfort and connection it once did.

Many husbands miss feeling like a priority. They miss the sense that their wife is their safe place, their partner in the quiet moments, not just a co-manager of family life. When children enter the picture, time and attention shift, often out of necessity. Even the wife in this situation admitted that they had far less time for each other than they once did.

I hear this sentiment often from men who read my work. They feel guilty resenting the demands of family life, yet they still feel the loss of closeness. Remembering what made you happy before life became so full can be powerful. Small efforts to reconnect, even brief moments of shared attention, can begin to soften resentment. Often, simply seeing that you are trying makes a meaningful difference.

Creating an Environment Where Happiness Can Return: I did not believe for a moment that this wife was the sole cause of her husband’s unhappiness. Still, it can be helpful to take an honest look at your own behavior and emotional tone. People tend to respond positively to those who make them feel valued and understood. If your husband feels respected, attractive, capable, and appreciated, his overall outlook is likely to improve.

This does not require grand gestures. Sometimes it means offering warmth when you are exhausted or listening when it would be easier to withdraw. Small efforts often produce surprisingly large results. In relationships, we frequently receive back what we give.

I share this perspective because I once ignored the quiet warning signs in my own marriage. I told myself we were simply comfortable, when in reality, we were drifting apart. That denial nearly cost me everything. Over time, and through small, intentional changes, I was able to rebuild intimacy and restore the connection we had lost.

If you are facing something similar, know that you are not alone, and that meaningful change often begins with awareness, empathy, and small steps taken consistently.

Unfortunately for me, I ignored the little voice that told me that my husband was unhappy and that my marriage was in trouble until it was almost too late. I just told myself that we were “comfortable” rather than accepting that we were growing apart. This almost cost me my marriage. Luckily, over time (and by taking calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and bring back his love. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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What Does It Mean If You’re Separated From Your Spouse But Still Having Sex

by: Leslie Cane:  Some of the people who contact me about successfully handling a separation and saving their marriage don’t have a lot of access to their spouse and are trying to change this.  But, others have regular and intimate access to their spouse – sometimes so much that the couple are still continuing to have sex even during the separation.  Many people in this situation wants to know what continuing to be physically intimate during a separation really means in terms of saving their marriage.   Many ask me if this is a good sign or means that they have a better chance of getting back together.

I recently heard from a wife who was in this situation.  She said, in part: “my husband and I have been separated for about six weeks because of repetitive marital problems that don’t seem to improve.  Right now, we’re leaving things open ended as far as a divorce goes.  Neither of us has filed or intends to, at least for the time being.  I’m glad because I never wanted the separation and I certainly don’t want the divorce.  So I’m trying to handle the separation in a way that ensures that we will get back together and save the marriage. What I’m really confused about is the fact that we’re still having sex sometimes. Many times when my husband needs to come by or we run into one another, we end up in the bedroom being intimate.  It doesn’t seem to be planned, and I don’t question it because I don’t want it to end.  Every time it’s over, I hope that it means that he’ll want to come back and end the separation, but so far it hasn’t meant that at all.  He acts like nothing has ever happened and it doesn’t seem to improve the situation.  We still haven’t made any progress on our marital problems. What does it mean if you’re separated and still having sex?  Does it mean that you have a better chance of getting back together?”

I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Having Sex After You’re Separated Doesn’t Always Mean That You Will (Or Are) Getting Back Together, But It Can Sometimes Be A Good Sign: Many of the people who ask me about this (wives in particular) often assume that continuing to have sex throughout the separation means that things are improving and that they now have a better chance of saving the marriage and getting back together.  Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case.  Sex can mean very different things to each spouse (and I’ll touch on this more a little later,) but it doesn’t always have positive (or any) ramifications for your marriage.

Sometimes, sex is a way to connect as you are both mourning the changes in the status of your relationship.  Other times, it’s seeking a release or reaching out to someone who is very familiar and comforting to you.  With that said, sometimes it can be a good sign.  It often means that you are still attracted to one another and have a physical connection which can give you something to build upon in the future.  I hear from countless couples on my “save my marriage blog” who indicate that there is no spark left between them whatsoever.   So if you still have enough spark that you find yourself falling into bed with the spouse from whom you are separated on a regular basis, this can sometimes be a pretty good indication that a connection or attraction is still there.  And sometimes, this connects you enough so that you’re motivated to do more and to work harder to save the marriage.

Sex During The Separation Can Mean Very Different Things To Both Spouses: Another issue to consider is that often, continuing to have sex means very different things to each spouse.  For example, often women (or the spouse who did not want the separation) will have a very emotional response and connection during the sex. For them, the act of having sex is a way to reconnect with (and often an attempt to hold onto) their marriage and their spouse.  Sometimes, if it was the wife who wanted or pushed for a separation and then it’s the wife who initiates the sex, this can be a good sign since many women have emotional responses or motivations for physical intimacy.

On the other side of this issue, often men (or the spouse who wanted or pushed for the separation) will have less of an emotional and more of a physical response.  They aren’t necessarily having sex because they want to get back together or because they are acting on any deep emotional feelings (although they certainly might be.)  Sometimes, they are a bit confused or unsure about the separation or the relationship and are reacting to the same.  Sex with a reluctant spouse who wanted the separation can mean that they are now unsure if they want to leave the marriage, but this isn’t always a safe assumption.

How To Handle It If You’re Unsure What Sex Means During Your Martial Or Trial Separation: Although many people in this situation see the sex as positive sign or prefer still having sex over not having any contact at all with their spouse, many are quite confused and unsure.  The sex often leaves them wondering if they are being taken advantage of or if they are getting their hopes up only to later have them dashed.

If you’re enjoying the sex, don’t have mixed feelings about it, and it doesn’t leave you with questions to which you want answers, then it’s certainly possible that you’re going to continue on with the sexual relationship until it’s clear that you’re either getting back together or you can’t or don’t want to go down that path any longer.

But if you have your doubts about what all of this means and you worry that you’re going to get hurt in the end, you might want to open up some dialog with your spouse to see what they’re feeling.  You don’t have to insinuate that you’re assuming that you’ll reconcile or that you’re hanging all of your hopes on the regular sex, but you might tell them that it’s difficult for you to connect physically when you don’t know what’s going to happen in the future.  This gives them the opportunity to either offer you reassurance or clarification or to realize that taking advantage of the situation is the wrong path to take if they have no intention of reconciling.

Honestly, I didn’t have the luxury of having sex with my spouse while we were separated.  He was not receptive to me either emotionally or physically.  And unfortunately, I did not understand that there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about saving your marriage.  I pursued the wrong way for far too long and it almost costs me my marriage.  Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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Will My Husband Come Back After The Separation? Here’s How To Make Sure That He Does

I sometimes hear from wives who are trying to set it up to have the best chance that their husband is going to come back to them after the separation.  They often ask me how they can tell if he’s actually going to come back.

I often hear comments: “will my husband come back after our separation? How can I make sure that he does?  I miss him so much.  I don’t want to lose him.  He’s staying with some friends and sometimes I think he’s happier apart.  He says he still doesn’t know what he wants or what he has decided about the separation so I’m trying not to push.  But I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t come back.  What is the best plan of attack?”

I will discuss these questions and concerns in the following article.

Setting It Up To Make Sure That You Have The Best Chance Of Him Coming Back After The Separation:  There will come a time during this process where your husband will need to make a decision about where he stands and what he wants to do after the separation.  Usually, he’ll either decide that he needs more time, that he wants to come back to you, or that he wants to go ahead and stay apart and pursue a divorce or perhaps a legal or longer separation.

Obviously, when he goes to make this decision, you want for him to think as favorably about you as is possible.  And, you may have some work to do between that day and this because if you’re separated, it’s probably safe to say that things weren’t going all that great with your marriage right before he left.

So you’ll likely have to change his mind about some things.  And it’s vitally important that you chose those things very wisely. Because while it’s unrealistic to think that you might change his mind on all of your issues and problems, you CAN often change his mind about you and about how he feels about you.

Yes, this can take some doing.  But if you can change his perceptions about you, then you can eventually also change his mind about your problems – and eventually, about your marriage.

Making Your Husband WANT To Come Back After The Separation:  This is really more important than I can possibly express.   Many wives ask for my advice on “making” or “getting” a husband to come back after the separation.  Honestly, this isn’t want you want.

Do you really want him to come back with his head hung low and filled with reluctance?  If he comes back to you this way, do you think this is going to last?  Probably not because you’re both going to know that his heart just isn’t 100% into it.  And so this brings about resentment, and worry, and doubt.

The real goal is to make him to WANT to VERY WILLINGLY come back to you.  I know that these may seem like a tall order, but I promise you that with a little planning and skill, it can be done.

First, you have to get the right attitude.  You don’t want him to think that you’re going to force him to do anything that he doesn’t want.  You want for him to know that you want him to be happy and will give him as much time as he needs for that to happen.  You aren’t going to push him and you aren’t going to come on too strongly.  Don’t use your children or other members of his family for your leverage.  Men hate feeling manipulated and they will not respect you if you stoop to such levels.

I know that it can be VERY difficult to hold back sometimes, especially when you miss him so much.  But please trust me when I say that desperation is literally a repellant for men.  They can almost smell it and many tell me that it is a total turn off.

I strongly feel that you will often have more success if you portray yourself as the confident, strong woman who knows that ultimately you will find your way back to each other.  Part of this confidence means that you create a little mystery.

You certainly don’t want to literally jump every time he calls.  But, when you do interact with him, you want to look your best.  You want to appear busy and vibrant and you want to make sure that you laugh and smile.  You want to remind him of what he loves about you and you want to present the woman that he could look forward to if he came back.

Think about it for a second.  Is he really going to want to come back to a pleading, desperate, or scared woman? He’s more likely to want to come back to a confident, yet loving woman.

Another thing that repels separated husband is trying to “work” on your marital problems too soon.  You want to make sure that you are very strongly bonded again before you even think about attempting this.  Move very slowly while you are still on shaky ground.  And make sure he’s firm on wanting to come back and end the separation before you introduce anything back into the mix.

Admittedly, you’ll eventually have to come back down to reality and work through your issues.  But the time for that can be later, after he’s interested and committed again.

I know that this is a difficult time.  I truly do.  I had to use these tactics when I was separated from my husband.  It took me a long time to learn this lessons and I made many mistakes.  But I eventually was able to regroup and save the marriage.  If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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He Thinks He Settled When He Married Me: What Now?

by: Leslie Cane: I once received an email from a wife who was absolutely devastated. During an argument, her husband lashed out and told her that he had “settled” when he married her. He went on to say that he was no longer sure she was the right person for him or that their marriage would survive.

As you can imagine, she was completely blindsided. He had never said anything like this before. And once the shock wore off, she began replaying his recent behavior in her mind. The more she thought about it, the more she worried that there might be some truth behind his words.

I tried to comfort her by explaining something I see all the time. People often say the most extreme, damaging things when they are angry, overwhelmed, or emotionally flooded. In many cases, they are venting frustration rather than speaking a carefully considered truth.

Still, the wife struggled to accept this. She told me that if she was honest with herself, their relationship had never been built on intense passion or wild attraction. She had always sensed that something was missing, but she avoided pushing the issue because she did not want to rock the boat. Early in the marriage, things were good enough. It was only recently that everything seemed to be unraveling.

Her question was painfully simple. She loved her husband and did not want the marriage to end. But she also knew she could not stay in a relationship where she was not truly wanted. She wanted to know if there was any way to move forward without constantly doubting her worth or his commitment.

Here is what I told her.

Why A Husband Might Say He “Settled”: When a husband claims that he settled, it is tempting to take that statement at face value and let it define the entire marriage. In my experience, that is rarely accurate.

More often, this kind of declaration is a snapshot of how he feels in a single moment, not how he has felt all along. When people are under stress, whether from work, finances, health issues, or emotional burnout, they frequently project that frustration onto the safest target. That target is usually the marriage.

I see this same pattern when husbands say they are no longer “in love.” They believe it in the moment. They may even pull away or push their wives aside. Yet when circumstances shift and priorities change, their feelings often shift as well.

In this case, it was very possible that the husband was disappointed with the marriage as it currently stood. He may have felt unappreciated or unsupported. He may have expected the relationship to be a refuge and felt resentful that it no longer felt that way. All of that can distort perception.

None of this means that his words were harmless. They were not. But it does mean that his declaration was not necessarily a permanent truth about his feelings or about the marriage.

How The Wife Could Respond: There was no denying that the husband’s words cut deeply. The wife told me she felt humiliated and rejected. Part of her wanted to walk away immediately. After all, self-respect can make you feel as though you should never fight for someone who claims they never truly wanted you.

However, once she understood that his words were likely rooted in frustration rather than long-standing indifference, her options became clearer. She could allow one angry statement to define her future and end the marriage. Or she could treat it as a warning sign and decide whether the relationship was worth fighting for.

She made it clear to me that she did not want to lose her husband. That mattered.

She calmed herself, went home, and told him plainly that his words had hurt her deeply. She did not attack or accuse. Instead, she told him she was willing to give him time if he needed space to think. Most importantly, she told him that she wanted both of them to be happy, not stuck in misery.

This response caught him off guard. He had expected anger or defensiveness. Instead, he felt disarmed. He suggested that they sleep on it and talk again later.

That pause was important. It created room for reflection instead of escalation. But I also told her that when “later” came, she should not simply wait and hope. Hurtful statements like this, while painful, often offer critical information. They signal that something needs attention now.

Many wives do not hear these thoughts until divorce papers are filed. As awful as this moment was, it gave her a chance to act while the marriage was still intact.

She did not feel lucky, but in a strange way, she was. She still had time to address what was broken. Even she admitted that she had not been truly happy lately either. Yet she also remembered that they had once been genuinely content together. That history mattered.

This was her opportunity to begin the work of restoring what they had and reshaping what they needed going forward.

I can relate to this more than I wish I could. My own husband said deeply hurtful things when he had emotionally checked out of our marriage and claimed he was no longer in love. I am grateful that I did not let those words convince me to give up.

Rebuilding took effort, patience, and very deliberate action. But it was worth it. We restored the love and intimacy, and we saved our marriage.

If you are facing something similar, please know that one painful statement does not have to be the end of your story. Sometimes, it is the moment that finally leads to real change.

You can read my personal story (and how I saved my own marriage) at isavedmymarriage.com.

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How To Respond When Your Husband Says He Wants A Divorce

By Leslie Cane:  I often hear from women who are struggling to decide how to respond when their husband tells them that he wants a divorce.  Most of the women who contact me don’t want a divorce and want to save their marriages instead.  Sometimes, the husband has already mentioned the divorce and, other times, the wives know that the conversation is coming and they want to know how to best handle and respond to it.

I understand that this is probably one of the most difficult conversations that you might ever have.  I also know that you’re probably rehearsing this in your head because you want to say and do the right thing.  And, it doesn’t help when your emotions begin to run away from you because you begin to think about what’s ahead with fear rather than looking at the days right in front of you with hope.

In the following article, I’m going to offer some tips on how I feel is the best way to respond when your husband says he wants a divorce. These tips are based on my own experiences and observations (and on what I have seen work the best for wives that want to save their marriages.  Obviously, if you agree with your husband and want a divorce, then that’s another article for another time.)

Try To Take In Not Just What He Says About The Divorce But Also How He’s Saying It.  What Clues Is He Offering You (Even If He Doesn’t Know It): It’s very important to remain calm and to place most of your focus on listening and taking this in rather than arguing or trying to have a back and forth conversation.  The reason for this is that how he presents his request for a divorce is going to give you some clues about his true feelings.  Sometimes, what he doesn’t say is every bit as important as what he does say.

As tempting as it can be to respond in haste, try to make listening your first focus.  What, precisely is he saying to you?  How is he saying it? What is he not saying?  What does this tell you about his thought process?  For example, does he mention his feelings for and his love for you or is he leaving that part out?  Is he giving you specific reasons for the divorce or is he leaving things vague?  Does his mind seem to be made up or is he wavering? What does his body language say about his resolve?

The answers to these types of questions will help you to develop your best strategy when you’re trying to save your marriage in the face of divorce.  Now, I will go over some responses that you really should try to avoid when your husband says he wants a divorce.

Responses You Should Avoid When Your Husband Says He Wants A Divorce: I know that it can be very difficult to have complete control over your response when the topic is so emotionally charged and the stakes are so high.  But, to the best of your ability, you should avoid any arguing or debating.   This type of response usually won’t help you any way and will actually usually make a divorce more likely instead of less likely.

You should steer clear of any responses that will get a negative reaction from him.  You don’t want to try to get him to feel sorrow or pity because this too will make him feel more negatively about you or the marriage.  So, phrases like “how could you do this to me?” are not the best choice.  Another common phrase is something like:  “who do you think you are?  You’re just going to throw our marriage away because things aren’t completely perfect.”  Another example is “Does it even matter that I don’t want a divorce?  Why do you get to decide what happens to our marriage?”  And here’s one more: “Are you even thinking about our children?  What is this going to do to them?  How could you be so selfish?”

While all of these phrases are understandable, none of them help your cause.

Another thing that you don’t want to do is to make threats or tell him that you are going to fight him every step of the way.  You don’t want to insinuate that he’s going to lose a lot of money or see his kids less if he divorces you.  I know that this can be very tempting and it might feel as if this is the only leverage that you have.  But playing these types of cards will generally make him even more determined to divorce you and to prove you wrong.  Not only that, but do you really want your husband to stay married to you because he can’t afford a divorce or only because of his kids?  Probably not.  You want him to stay married to you because he is happily married and because he wants to be there.

All of these types of responses are absolutely understandable, but they don’t get you any closer to your goal of figuring out the best way to approach this to save your marriage.  And these type of responses will also sometimes make your husband feel very defensive which can sometimes even strengthen his resolve to get a divorce.  This is what happened when my own husband wanted a divorce.  I handled this badly and it actually made things a lot harder for me.

What I Think Is The Best Response When Your Husband Says He Wants A Divorce: I know that I’m asking a lot, but, time after time, I notice that the best response is the one that allows you to maintain your dignity while at the same time, allows you to focus on maintaining the relationship as best as you can.  Because in order to have the best chance of saving your marriage, you are going to need a decent relationship with your husband and you will need access to him.  So, you don’t want to do anything that is going to jeopardize this.  And, you want to lay the groundwork for future interactions.   Obviously, you want to respond in a way that makes you comfortable and that will be successful for you, but here’s just one suggestion.

“Well, it goes without saying that this is not what I wanted to hear and I’m pretty floored.  I love you and don’t want to end our marriage.  However, I’m not the only decision maker in this marriage and you clearly feel differently, at least right now.  I would just hope that as this process moves forward, in whatever way that it does, that we don’t allow this to completely deteriorate our relationship.  You are simply too important to me.  I don’t want to end up like those couples who can’t stand each other or who let their relationship dissolve into nothing.  I hope that we can maintain some sense of closeness because that is more important to me than anything else right now.”

Do you see why I included some of the phrases that I did?  You’re setting it up and laying the groundwork so that you will have access to him in the days to come so that hopefully, he will be receptive to you.  I hope you can see that this response puts you in a much better position than arguing, debating, or attempting to make him feel guilt or other negative emotions.

I know that you are going through a very hard time right now.  I know that your heart is likely breaking.  But, this doesn’t always have to mean the end of your marriage.  It didn’t for me.  If it helps, you can read about how I saved my own marriage when my husband wanted a divorce on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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He Says It’s Over But I Want To Save Our Marriage

By: Leslie Cane: I once heard from a wife whose husband had been repeatedly telling her that their marriage was “over.” He said it plainly and often, as though repeating it enough times would make it true.

The problem was that she did not agree. Not even a little.

In her mind, their marriage was not finished. It could not be finished. She believed deeply that if her husband would simply give her the opportunity to work with him, to slow down, to try, there was still a chance to save what they had built together.

She could not imagine her life without him. And she could not bring herself to shut the door on a relationship that had taken years of effort, sacrifice, and love to create.

She wrote to me and said, in part:

“He keeps telling me that it’s over, but I’m having a hard time accepting that. Do I really have to believe what he’s telling me? I know that if he would just back up a little and let me work on this, things could change. But all he wants is for me to accept it and leave him alone. What are my options? What’s the best strategy right now?”

Reading her words took me straight back to a very familiar place.

There was a time when my husband’s refrain was “It’s over,” and mine was, “Not for me, it isn’t.” And if I had taken his words at face value and accepted them as final, I would not be married today.

I am very glad that I didn’t.

That does not mean it is always possible to change his mind. But sometimes it is. And when it is, it usually happens because you approach the situation in a very deliberate and thoughtful way.

Just Because He Thinks It’s Over Does Not Mean You Have To Agree: One of the most important things to understand is that a difference of opinion does not automatically signal the end of a marriage.

People change their minds all the time. They change their minds when new information is presented. They change their minds when they begin to see that they may have been wrong. And very often, they change their minds gradually, after observing consistent behavior over time.

However, this only happens when you resist the urge to argue your position relentlessly.

If you push too hard, insist too loudly, or demand that he see things exactly as you do, you often end up doing the opposite of what you intend. Instead of opening him up, you push him into defending his position even more strongly.

It is okay if you do not agree right now. What matters more is how you conduct yourself while you are on shaky ground.

Arguing about whether the marriage is over rarely brings a husband closer. More often, it creates distance. For the time being, you need to work with the cards already in your hand and be realistic about what the current situation will allow.

I absolutely believe that marriages can be saved in situations like this. But they are rarely saved through debate or pressure. More often, they are saved by showing, not telling, why changing his mind makes sense.

Saving A Marriage When He Is Reluctant Requires A Gradual Strategy: When a husband keeps insisting that it’s over, it is unrealistic to expect a quick reversal.

He did not arrive at this conclusion overnight. And he is not likely to abandon it overnight either.

This is where many wives get stuck. They search for the perfect words. The perfect speech. The perfect letter that will finally make him see the light.

Unfortunately, husbands who believe the marriage is over tend to be deeply skeptical of words. In many cases, they feel they have heard it all before.

That is why actions matter so much more.

And when you do use words, they need to be words he has not heard from you before. Familiar pleas tend to fall flat. New, unexpected responses often carry far more weight.

Before You Change His Mind, You Have To Change His Perception: Here is a hard truth that comes up again and again.

Many husbands who say it’s over believe that the woman they married is gone. They may miss her. They may even grieve her. But they do not believe she is coming back.

At the same time, many wives in this position are understandably operating from fear and desperation. That version of yourself is not the one he fell in love with. And unfortunately, it often reinforces his belief that both you and the marriage have fundamentally changed.

This is why showing him who you really are matters so much.

Rather than repeatedly telling him that you have not changed, you want to demonstrate it. Take time to reflect on what he loved about you in the beginning. Look honestly at how you are coming across right now. Ideally, the gap between those two versions of you should begin to narrow.

This is not easy work. But it is often incredibly effective.

Focus On The Relationship First: During this process, it is usually best to stop emphasizing that you are trying to save the marriage.

That may sound counterintuitive, but it often lowers his defenses.

Instead, focus on maintaining the relationship itself. Let him know that he is too important to you to simply walk away from all connection. The marriage may be struggling in his eyes, but that does not mean the bond between you has to be severed entirely.

You may not agree that it’s over. But if backing off slightly allows you more access, more openness, and less resistance, it is often worth it.

By doing this, you give yourself room to rebuild. Slowly. Quietly. Without triggering his need to prove that it’s finished.

This work is gradual. It does not offer instant gratification. But when a husband is telling you it’s over, there is ground to make up. And this approach has a far higher success rate than arguing, debating, or pressuring him to change his mind.

Those tactics tend to make him dig in even deeper. And that is the last thing you want.

This is the approach I ultimately used to save my own marriage. I made many mistakes along the way, but this method was the only one that truly worked.

If you want to read more about how this played out for me, you can visit my blog at isavedmymarriage.com.

Sometimes, the marriage isn’t over just because he says it is. And sometimes, the quietest strategy is the strongest one you can use.

I had to use this method to save my own marriage.  And I truly believe this is the only thing that would have worked.  If you want to read about how this played out for me (and the many mistakes I made,) you can check out my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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My Husband Doesn’t Act As If He Loves Me Anymore. What Should I Do?

by: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from many wives who confess that they’re afraid their husband isn’t in love with them the way he used to be. When I ask what makes them believe this, they often point to subtle but painful changes in his behavior. They tell me he looks at other women differently than he looks at them. They describe a new distance in his gaze, or a coolness that feels like contempt. Others say he barely pays attention anymore and seems to be going through the motions. Some even feel he avoids them altogether.

When I ask how they’ve approached this, I get a similar answer. Most have tried talking. They’ve pointed out the changes, hoping their husbands would acknowledge them. Instead, many are met with accusations of overreacting or imagining things. I understand how discouraging this is. Most of us default to words because they feel accessible and immediate. Yet in my experience, change often comes from actions rather than conversations alone.

Why It May Feel Like His Love Has Faded: It can feel overwhelming to break the problem down to its roots, but it’s an important step. When you understand what’s driving the distance, you’re better equipped to respond in a way that actually helps.

Sometimes a husband still loves his wife deeply, but he’s distracted or worn down by other areas of life. He may be taking her for granted without realizing it. The affection hasn’t disappeared, he’s simply not expressing it.

Other times, the marriage has slipped into a stale pattern. The relationship becomes undemonstrative. Both spouses are quietly going through life, wanting more but afraid to be the vulnerable one who brings it up. It is hard to be the person who says something first, especially when you worry you might be met with indifference.

There are also situations where the marriage has been neglected for so long that the loving feelings have been affected. This is painful to admit, but it doesn’t mean those feelings are gone forever. It usually means there is more rebuilding to do than either spouse realized.

And occasionally, a wife will tell me she isn’t sure her husband ever loved her the way a husband should. She talks about years of lukewarm responses and emotional distance. I understand why this hurts. But I also hear from many husbands, and it is rare that a man marries someone he doesn’t truly care for. Some men simply struggle to show affection openly. In these cases, they often respond very well when shown what loving behavior looks like, and then encouraged to repeat it.

Helping Him Show Love Again: If your husband is someone who feels deeply but shows very little, you may need to model the behavior you want. Treat him with the warmth and affection you’re longing for. When he responds in kind, even in small ways, praise those moments. Many men open up more when they feel successful rather than criticized.

This is where many of us slip into habits that backfire. We nag. We point out what they aren’t doing. We hope guilt or frustration will spur them into action. Instead, they retreat even more. Sometimes the gentler path is the more effective one. When you take the initiative in a positive tone, you make the process feel safe for him. That’s when you begin to see the small shifts that grow into larger changes.

If the marriage has stagnated or if he has truly begun to fall out of love, the process may take longer. But the foundation is the same. Keep things as light and positive as you can. Address deeper issues slowly and steadily rather than with confrontation that overwhelms both of you. And when you begin to see progress, no matter how small, reinforce it with appreciation. Let him see that his effort improves the entire emotional climate of the relationship.

I almost waited too long before changing my own actions when my husband had checked out of our marriage and no longer felt in love. Turning things around took patience and commitment, but it was worth every ounce of effort. I eventually restored the love and intimacy we once shared and saved my marriage. If you’re facing something similar, you may find comfort in my personal story at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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Signs Your Husband Doesn’t Care About You Or Your Marriage Anymore

By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who tell me that they don’t think that their husband cares about them anymore.  They will often report a husband who just doesn’t seem involved or invested in them or the marriage.  Sometimes, when they confront their husband with these suspicions, he will deny that there is anything wrong and the wife will wonder if she’s just imagining things or being paranoid.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I just don’t think my husband cares about me anymore.   He doesn’t bother to come home on time.  He drifts in and out after our family has already had dinner.  He never listens to me anymore.  He’s never there for me or the kids.  He seems more interested and involved with his friends than he is with his own family.  He never shows me physical affection anymore.  When he is around or does spend time with our family, he acts as if he wishes he were somewhere else.  But when I confront him about this, he says I expect too much and just love to complain.  I don’t want to make things worse between us by arguing with him, but I’m pretty sure he just doesn’t care about me, my happiness, my kids, or this marriage anymore.  How do I know if I’m right?”

These are challenging questions.  Without talking the husband and having him be completely honest (which didn’t seem likely)  most of the conclusions that you draw have to be based on comparing past behaviors with present behaviors and then looking at the big picture.  With that said though, there are signs to look for that might indicate that your husband no longer cares as much about you and the marriage.  I will discuss those below.

When You Compare His Past Behavior With His Current Behavior, There Is An Obvious And Troubling Difference: Sometimes when wives tell me their husband’s don’t care about them anymore, they admit that he has always shown very little emotion or affection from the beginning.  Some men just are not big on being demonstrative about how they feel. But other times, the husband’s behavior has changed very dramatically.  And this is when it’s easier to suspect that something is truly wrong.

If you’re dealing with a man who used to show you affection and be very involved in your day to day life and he’s suddenly very distant, cold, and just not interested in what is happening with you, then that’s a substantial red flag.  While it doesn’t always have to mean that he doesn’t care about you or the marriage anymore, it can mean that you need to investigate this much more.

Your Challenges And Concerns Are No Longer His Challenges And Concerns: When you love someone and are invested in your marriage, you can’t help feeling empathy with your spouse.  Even if you yourself are busy or are dealing with your own issues, your normal inclination is going to be to notice when your spouse is struggling or when something is “off” with them and then try to help or offer support.  And, it’s likely that you know them so well that knowing when something is wrong is second nature to you.

So if you’re husband isn’t noticing what is going on with you or doesn’t seem to care, it’s natural to ask yourself why.  Because a spouse who is emotionally connected and invested in his marriage is likely to become MORE involved when his spouse faces challenges rather than LESS involved.  So if he’s distancing himself from you or if your problems are suddenly “your problems” rather than “our problems” then this can be a tell tale sign that something is drastically wrong.

He’s Already Explored (Or Is Trying On) His Exit Plan: Usually the first thing that wives notice when their marriage is in trouble is their husband’s lack of presence and I mean this both literally and figuratively.  Not only will he not be around anymore, but when he is, he isn’t really there.  Now, there are times when a husband can’t help having to work late or to work extra hours.  Sometimes, he might have an issue or obligation with his extended family or others who might be close to him.  All of this is understandable.

But usually what you’ll see when your husband no longer cares about his marriage is that he really has no legitimate reason to be gone as much as he is and he also has no legitimate excuse for his emotional distance (although he may try to give you one.)  You may notice him trying on a new lifestyle or he may be making his friends his new extended family.

If My Husband No Longer Cares About Me, Does This Mean My Marriage Is Automatically Over?: Many times, when I discuss this topic with wives, they begin to panic as soon as they see that some of these signs apply to them.  They worry that as soon as their husband stops caring, then there is nothing that they can do to save the marriage.

This isn’t always the case.  Sometimes, a husband distances himself or checks out emotionally as the result of an unresolved issue in your marriage or an unresolved issue within him.  It’s sort of a defense mechanism or sometimes it is a reaction to frustration.  But, there are times that you can address and fix these issues and find that your husband will begin to act like he actually cares and is invested once again.  This is not at all uncommon.  Just one example is disgruntled spouses checking out of their marriage, cheating or doing something else that they regret, and then later realizing that they stupidly risked what was truly important to them because they saw things in the wrong way at the time.

The point is, people’s perceptions and feelings change as their situation changes.  So if your husband’s feelings (or lack of feelings) stem from a problem or situation, fixing the issues that exist will often address the feelings as well.

Unfortunately, I really didn’t understand this when my husband seemed to stop caring about me and my marriage and these mistakes almost meant the end of us as a couple.  I almost waited too long to change my actions when my husband had checked out of our marriage. So, I had a whole lot of catching up to do.  But I eventually changed the circumstances, which in turn changed his feelings.  If it helps, you can read about this transformation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

 

 

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My Depressed Husband Says He Doesn’t Love Me – Tips and Advice That Might Help

by: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from many wives who are convinced that their husband’s depression is playing a major role in the struggles they’re facing at home. These wives often describe a man who seems to have projected his sadness and hopelessness onto the marriage itself. He insists he doesn’t love them. He hints that he wants space, a break, or even a divorce. To the wife, it’s painfully clear that his mental fog has blurred his view of everything in his life, including his feelings for his spouse.

What makes this so difficult is that when the wife tries to gently point this out, he often reacts with frustration or blame. Many wives tell me they’ve heard some version of, “You and the marriage are the reason I’m depressed. My mental state isn’t the problem, but my marriage makes everything worse.” That kind of statement is both heartbreaking and confusing.

And here’s where things get tricky. The wives often know they’re right. They can see the depression at work. Yet the more they try to explain this to him, the more he shuts down. Unfortunately, being right doesn’t always matter in moments like these. If he isn’t willing to see things the same way, pushing harder will usually make him retreat even further. Over time, he may even begin to see you as one more source of pressure instead of a safe place to land.

Below, I want to talk about the approach I’ve seen work best when you’re dealing with a depressed husband who insists he doesn’t love you anymore.

Depression Can Make People Believe They Don’t Love Anything or Anyone: Many wives already understand this on an intuitive level, but I want to reinforce it because it’s often very validating. Depression can warp reality. It can drain the ability to feel joy, connection, affection, or even interest. Everything seems bleak. Everyone feels like a burden. At times, a depressed person can barely feel their own presence, much less love for someone else.

So when he says he doesn’t love you, remember that this may be a symptom of the depression rather than a true reflection of his heart. He may not feel anything right now. That numbness can be terrifying for both of you, but it does not automatically mean his love is gone.

Depressed People Often Resist Any Truth That Requires Sudden Change: You and I both know his depression may be shaping his perceptions. But he is not likely to agree with that. Depression builds walls, and many people cling hard to the beliefs forming those walls because they feel safe inside them. So when you challenge those beliefs, even gently, he may feel threatened or pushed.

This is why it can be more effective to acknowledge his current reality rather than trying to argue him out of it. You are not agreeing that his perceptions are accurate. You’re simply choosing not to escalate the conflict. This keeps the door from closing completely. It buys you time and preserves an opening for connection later.

Approach His Mental State With Love, Not Judgment: People with depression often carry a deep sense of shame. They can feel fragile, exposed, or defensive. You will usually make more progress if you come to him as someone who sees his pain rather than someone who questions his love.

You might say something like, “I can see you’re struggling, and I want to make things easier for you. I want to be the one place where you don’t have to pretend.”

Avoid focusing on the statement that he no longer loves you. That may change when his emotional landscape shifts. Instead, focus on supporting him toward a healthier place. In some situations, professional help is necessary. In others, time, empathy, and gentle consistency can help. Many wives tell me that once they stopped debating and started simply supporting, the tone of the entire marriage shifted.

When To Address the Marriage Issues: Wives often ask if they should deal with the marital issues at the same time as the depression. This depends on the severity of both, and a counselor is best equipped to guide you. What I can tell you is that in many cases, one area improves when the other does. If the depression lifts even slightly, communication often becomes easier. If communication improves, the depression can feel less overwhelming.

What you don’t want to do is imply that the marriage hinges entirely on his recovery or that your support is conditional. Keep the tone loving and steady.

You Cannot Force Him To Get Help, But You Can Control Your Own Actions: You can continue to offer support. You can be his soft place to land. You can keep educating yourself. If he resists counseling, that doesn’t mean you can’t go alone. Sometimes your own strength and clarity become the very thing that eventually encourages him to join you.

Small changes can make a surprising difference. When he sees that you’re not pressuring him or demanding drastic shifts, he may slowly become more receptive.

His Words May Not Reflect His True Feelings: A depressed husband who says he doesn’t love you can shatter your world. But please remember that depression speaks in distorted truths. His numbness is not the same as the absence of love.

If you can approach this from a place of calm, steady affection and gently guide both of you toward support, there is often real hope for improvement in both his emotional health and the marriage itself.

There was a time in my own life when I truly believed my marriage was nearing its end. My husband withdrew. He suggested a trial separation. I felt defeated, but I decided to try one more angle. I shifted my focus to my own actions, my own steadiness, my own contributions. Eventually, it made a profound difference.

If you’d like to read that personal story, you can find it on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.

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