Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are dealing with husbands who have decided that they want to be “free” and are going to pursue a separation or a divorce. The husbands will typically offer all sorts of broad excuses – such as they felt that the “responsibility” or “lack of freedom” in the marriage was suffocating them and bringing them down. They’ll typically describe the marriage as something oppressive and detrimental to their happiness and well-being.

This typically isn’t the way that wives see things, of course. Sure, the marriage has had its problems. No one is trying to deny that, but wives often feel that their problems are typical of many families trying to make it in the world today. Yes, they work hard to pay the bills and care for their children and their parents. Yes, it isn’t always a picnic, but many wives typically don’t think of running away or demanding their freedom in the way that some husbands might. 

A wife might explain it this way: “My husband is telling me he wants to be free, and I just don’t get it and I very much resent it. There are days when I feel tied down too. My obligations aren’t always that much fun either. But I would never turn my back on my family and walk away. I have no idea how to respond to him because I’m so angry. But I know it’s not a good idea to lash out at him. Still, I’m so disappointed in him right now, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want a divorce, but I certainly don’t want him to see me as a ball and chain.”

In the following article, I’ll discuss some of the insights I might share with a wife in this situation.

Sometimes When A Husband Says He Wants His Freedom, He Really Just Wants A Temporary Break: It can be very hard to hear your husband say that he wants his freedom from you, as though you’re something undesirable that he must escape. Sometimes though, people say things in the heat of the moment and are later regretful of their words because, once they calm down, they don’t feel nearly as strongly.

Admittedly, families in this situation can be under a great deal of stress. When you are at a certain point in your life, you can find yourself caring for so many people and juggling so many obligations.

And we can all feel like we need a break. Stressful situations can contribute to a husband’s outburst and request for freedom. And, it is possible that when your husband has some time to reflect, he might realize that he’d acted too abruptly or harshly. 

That’s why, in situations such as these, I often suggest willingly offering a break or some time away if your spouse is already demanding it. Because many times, the spouse is going to take it anyway. But, you put yourself in a much better situation if you don’t argue or react negatively when it may not make a difference anyway.

Sometimes, a break can do everyone some good. “Freedom” may have been a selfish word on the part of the husband, but “break” is often one that is much more palatable and can be most certainly worth a try. 

There’s nothing wrong with telling your spouse that you encourage both of you to take some time away to reflect and see if things look differently and hopefully, better.

Staying Positive During During Any Break Or When Your Husband Demands His Freedom: I completely understand a wife’s panic, anger, and sadness in this situation. The whole thing feels like one huge rejection at a time when you need your husband’s support the most. You’re often struggling too. Yet, no one sees you walking away.

The thing is, there’s a real risk with giving in to negative emotions like fear, resentment, and doubt – which typically only makes things worse.

Sometimes, as hard as it is, the best thing you can do is try to take care of yourself and remain positive. 

As easy as it would be for the wife to lash out at the husband, this would get her further away from what she wanted. But if she agreed that some time and space might help them both to improve the situation, she would put herself in a much better situation should the husband realize his selfishness and change his mind.

Because they were still extremely early in this process. There was no need to panic and make things worse. If handled correctly, this may have been a wake-up call to try to manage the stress of the situation together and ultimately lighten the load on both the wife and her husband. 

In truth, they could both be a great deal of support to one another if the situation was able to turn around. But, that wasn’t as likely to happen if the wife drew upon negative emotions.

In situations such as this one, it’s so important to care for yourself and to try to appear as positive as you possibly can. 

Giving the husband (and herself) some space and taking a step back could well turn out to be a good move. And, it appeared the break was going to happen anyway. The wife may as well have put herself in a favorable light in the meantime. 

Sometimes, this makes all the difference. And this situation can sometimes bring your attention to the things that most need to change. This can sometimes be a good thing because it can bring above improvements that can transform your marriage. And once that happens, he no longer wants his freedom.