Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I once dialogued with a woman whose husband had been approaching the topic of divorce. He’d been tip-toeing around the topic for months. But lately, it had become quite clear that he thought the relationship was going to end in a divorce relatively soon. The wife was adamant that she did not want to end the marriage. In a bid of desperation, she offered up a trial separation as an alternative to the divorce.

Her husband said he would think about it and let her know how he wanted to proceed. After the wife had a bit of time to think about it, she wondered if this had been the right call. She asked me, in part: “Can a trial separation save our relationship? Because I’m starting to think that I’m only delaying the inevitable. If we’re going to eventually get a divorce anyway, then why waste all of that time and get my hopes up?”

I’ve seen plenty of trial separations work to eventually save the relationship. And, when the only other alternative is a divorce, then a separation can be just about your only chance to gain some ground. But, in my opinion and experience, there’s most definitely a right way and a wrong way to handle a trial separation if the whole goal is to save the marriage or relationship. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Sometimes, A Trial Separation Is One Of The Only Viable Options Before A Divorce: Obviously, the best-case scenario is if you can save the relationship before you have to separate or take some time apart from one another. Sometimes though, this just isn’t going to be possible. Sometimes, the spouse who is trying to avoid a separation at all costs will push too hard for an immediate reconciliation with the person who is very resistant to this. A strategy such as this can do more harm than good because the reluctant person usually becomes so tired of this process that he leaves anyway, and by then you have a lot more ground to recover.

Usually, what you really want is to be able to save the relationship with both people equally on board and equally as enthusiastic about rebuilding. If your spouse goes into this process with doubts or when their heart isn’t really in it, there’s a real risk of only getting a temporary reprieve. Instead, you want any attempt to reconcile to work and to be lasting. When nothing else has worked and the only other option is a divorce, the trial separation can be a decent alternative (but usually only when done correctly.)

Handling The Trial Separation In The Way That Saves Rather Than Destroys Your Relationship: When separations go wrong, this is usually due to a few very common reasons. One potential reason is that one or both people approach the separation as a free-for-all all where they act as if they are already single. One or both spouses might choose to date other people or act in such a way that’s not typical of someone who is still married.

This can lead to a lot of retaliation and resentment which usually only makes things worse. The other common mistake that I see couples make is that they attempt to overcompensate rather than allowing the time away to work for them rather than against them. Sometimes, it feels as though the pressure to solve things is quite intense so one or both people are tempted to make the sole focus to “work” on the couple’s problems while feeling intense pressure.

The thing is, one of the most important things that need to happen during the separation is that the people in the relationship need to see that their life is better within the relationship than on the outside of it. Most people will need to see some improvement in both the relationship and in their own perceptions about the other person in order for this to happen in a genuine (rather than forced) way.

The improvement that I’m talking about can’t happen by force. Sometimes, you are better off not pushing so hard and allowing the time away to make the heart grow fonder. Rather than attempting to remind your loved one of you every waking minute, you are often much better off making every encounter count and focusing on the positive rather than the negative. Your loved one isn’t likely to improve their perceptions of you and the relationship if they see you turning up the pressure, moping around, or acting fearful and resentful.

You want to show them the best, most low-key version of yourself every time you have the natural (rather than forced) chance to do so. This shouldn’t feel or look like an act. You want to just very naturally allow them to see the person who initially excited them so much. You want them to see you as upbeat, coping, accommodating, and busy. If this isn’t how you truly feel, sometimes you need to make an effort to display this anyway, at least when you are with them.

Always ask yourself if your actions during the separation are helping or hurting your cause. This doesn’t mean that you need to be overly accommodating or obviously not genuine. But sometimes, you have to act “as if” until you’re desired reality actually comes true. One way to do this is to attempt to focus on the positive and maintain an upbeat attitude and sense of humor. If you approach your partner with doom and gloom or guilt feelings every time you interact with them, then you run the real risk of them thinking that they’re better off alone and therefore won’t be returning home after the separation.