Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I wish I could tell you that most of the people who read my articles are dealing with an ideal situation that includes a spouse who is fully onboard with reconciling. Unfortunately, I am a realist. And I know that this isn’t even close to the case. Many of the people who read my articles are wives who feel relatively certain that they are the only spouse who wants to reconcile. Some of them are dealing with a reluctant spouse who won’t disclose what he’s feeling or where he wants to go moving forward. Others are dealing with a husband who has been brutally honest about his desire to remain separated or even to move forward with a divorce. Whatever the scenario, most of these wives feel as if they’re the only ones interested in keeping the marriage afloat.

One of them might say, “I honestly don’t know what to do right now. I know what I WANT to do. I want to reconcile with my husband and end this separation. But that isn’t possible. Because it’s not what he wants to do right now. I feel like I am the only one who still cares about this marriage. I can’t pretend that he’s hostile to me. He takes my calls. He sees me occasionally, but he’s borderline indifferent. He’s never rude. He’s always cordial. But he’s not affectionate or even all that interested in what I’m feeling. If I bring up a reconciliation, he either promptly changes the subject or tells me that he’s not even close to being ready to discuss it. He hasn’t yet asked me to stop trying. But I worry that this day might be approaching. How are you supposed to handle it when you are the only spouse who wants to reconcile? Are you supposed to just bow out gracefully? What are you supposed to do?

Sometimes, The Best Call Is To Bide Your Time While Increasing Your Odds: I’m not sure that there are any hard and fast rules about this. If there are, I didn’t follow them. My answer to what to do when only one spouse wants to reconcile is that sometimes – the answer is just to wait and redirect until you have a better opportunity (which you can help to bring about.)

I was the only one interested in reconciling during my separation. And although there were many days when I was beaten down and ready to give up, I never did. It can be tricky to continue to hold out hope when it feels as if there is pressure to just give up. It can be difficult to hang back and wait for a better opportunity. But you have to figure out a way to do both of these things if you want to play the long game and win. I’ll offer some tips about that below.

Your Wishes Are No One’s Concern But Yours (And You Don’t Always Have To Share Them:) I think we can all agree that both spouses will eventually need to agree on reconciliation to have success. But that is the end game, and you are not at the end.

So while I agree that you can’t force him to reconcile with you, I also believe that no one can force you to feel or to wish for something that you don’t. You’re entitled to your own feelings and wishes (although you may not want to openly act on them if the time isn’t right.) I learned from my own separation that sometimes it’s advantageous not to share these desires if doing so is only going to result in discouragement or rejection.

In other words, if you’re getting negative feedback from your spouse, friends, or family every time you confess that you’re holding out for reconciliation, then you don’t have to keep confessing it. I say this because keeping your feelings close to your chest can be a way to protect yourself, but it can also be a way to get your husband to stop being so resistant and guarded – which can buy you some time.

It May Be Time To Slow Your Pace Instead Of Giving Up: Speaking of buying time, I know that it’s very hard not to push. You feel him resisting, and you want to stop that slide in any way that you can. But often, your desperation only makes things worse.

Instead, you sometimes need to pause or slow down. If he’s not receptive to reconciling, take those talks off the table for now. Talk about whatever he’s willing or enthusiastic to talk about. Yes, you’ll have to lower your expectations for a while and be observant and deliberate. And I’ll admit that at times it’s excruciating to slow down when everything feels immediate – like if you don’t reconcile soon, you may never reconcile.

But that is often just the panic talking. If you would have told me how long it would take for my separation to resolve, I would have been quite discouraged. And I never would have willingly settled for the pace I ultimately took. But I took the gradual approach because I had to. If I had attempted to force a quick reconciliation, I would have failed. My husband would not have been on board. If I’d made him chose to reconcile in my timeframe or divorce before he was ready, I think he would have chosen divorce.

Yes, moving slowly is frustrating. But it’s better than a divorce.

How To Move Forward On Your Own (Until He’s Ready To Move With You.) One of the things that can make this gradual pace so hard is that you feel as if you are stuck. You seemingly can’t move forward with the marriage without his cooperation, so it feels like you are in limbo.

In reality, though, there is plenty that you can do. The single best thing I did during my own separation was to work on myself. I significantly strengthened myself as a person, thinking that this would only benefit me no matter what happened with my marriage. I sought individual counseling. I took classes for nothing more than my own interest. I kept as busy as possible with positive people who wanted what was best for me. I learned that exercise is a great stress reliever and confidence booster. This shift made the time go faster. I even had some fun (and my husband definitely noticed that I was having fun.)

Once I was on a more solid footing, I was in a much better position to take a hard, honest look at my marriage and my part in the deterioration of it. I was ready to see some things I’d adamantly denied before. This meant that when (and if) it was time to come to the table with my husband, I’d be much more willing to compromise and see places where I could give a little more and focus more on patience rather than demands.

If you have some idle time on your hands, work on those personal attributes you know were deteriorating your marriage. This will make you feel as if you have much more control over your situation.

Continue At A Safe Pace, Even When It’s Tempting Not To: About the time my attitude changed some, my husband became a little more receptive since I’d given him some time. Even so, I forced myself to go very slowly. I revised my goals, just wanting to have enjoyable interactions instead of having immediate reconciliation goals each time.

I couldn’t have known it at the time, by I WAS on my way to a gradual reconciliation at this time. And because I’d done so much self-work, I was able to avoid many of the pitfalls I would have stepped right into if I hadn’t taken such an honest look at myself.

Was I somewhat lucky? Yes. Could this have gone another way? Of course. But I took the only path I could – I backed up and was willing to walk around the long way to get to where I wanted to go. It took longer. And it felt quite lonely at times. But I did get there. And I’m glad I never gave up. You can read about our non-linear path to reconciliation at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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