Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from separated wives who don’t like the discouraging behavior that they’re seeing from their separated husbands. Many of them want to heal their marriage and reconcile. So they’re hoping to see a husband who is responsive, affectionate, and attentive. Instead, he’s often a bit closed off, guarded, and distant. Understandably, the wives become concerned and talk to friends or family members about this situation. Sometimes, it’s suggested that the husband is “hiding his feelings” for the wife, and cares more than he is letting on.

A wife might explain, “my husband initiated the separation. He told me that he hoped that it would only be temporary and that he only needed some time to sort out himself. In other words, he was the problem. He repeatedly stressed that the problem was not me. He was open to talking regularly at first. Perhaps because initially, we were only talking about the logistics of him having his own place. This lasted for a few weeks. But once things settled down, understandably, I wanted to see him. And I wanted to have conversations and exchanges that were conducive to things getting better between us so that we could reconcile as he alluded to. But every time I tried to have these conversations and meetings, it was like pulling teeth. He’ll talk to me, but he always makes excuses not to see me. The few times we have met up, he acts as if we are just casual friends. He’ll gently place his hand on my back, but that’s it. He hasn’t tried to hug me, hold my hand, etc. When we talk, he tries to keep it to nonemotional topics. I have told some of our mutual friends that I feel as if he’s trying to keep me at a distance, and that I’m starting to doubt that he is actually open to a reconciliation. They tell me that they think he’s just hiding his feelings because he doesn’t want to rush into anything. They also believe that he’s not showing me his feelings because he doesn’t want me to ask about them right now. Is this even a remote possibility? How would I know if he was hiding his feelings for me?”

A Common Scenario To Watch Out For: There are definitely some signs that you can look for – and I will list some of them below. But before I do, I just want to stress that sometimes – no matter what separated husbands feel or even what they want – some men want to take their time during a separation. Even if they miss you and feel the tug of home, they’ve asked for time to sort things out and they intend to fully take it. So trying to rush things will often make them push back because they feel pressured when they have asked for time.

I only mention this because sometimes, there is not anything magical or sneaky that you need to do other than to just give him the time that he has asked for. (And I know that this is hard. This was so difficult for me during my own separation, that I had to literally force myself to do it by giving myself no other option.)

But in my experience, once he feels he’s taken the time to fully evaluate, then he may be more forthcoming with his feelings. He often keeps his feelings private because he knows that not enough time has passed for him to be able to fully examine them. So he doesn’t want to tell you about feelings that might change or evolve in time. And when he perceives that you are trying to shortchange him of this time, he may resent it.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, here some signs that might indicate he’s hiding his feelings.

He Still Wants To Know About Your Wellbeing And Experiences: He may not be very forthcoming about himself and his own experiences, but if he still wants to know about yours, then he is likely still at least somewhat invested and he still feels somewhat protective of and responsible for you. And that can be a positive sign.

He Is Still Invested In Shared Assets Or Planned Experiences: He may act as if he’s a somewhat separate entity from you right now, but if he’s still worried about upkeep for your home, is taking care of some of the finances, or has future plans with you, then perhaps he’s not completely separated himself and he likely still envisions a scenario where he may one day live in the house again or participate in shared finances and experiences with you.

He Won’t Even Talk About His Most Basic Feelings Or Experiences: Some husbands in this situation are reasonably open until the point where the wife wants to talk about his current feelings or intentions. Then, he clams up because he doesn’t yet have any answers for you, or he has other reasons to keep his feelings to himself. In this scenario, he’s willing to talk about anything else but his feelings.

However, it can be a different situation if he’s unwilling to tell you his feelings about just about anything. Because this can be a bit of a tell that he’s holding back in fear of “slipping up.” And there can be any number of things that he doesn’t want to disclose, but his feelings could very well be one of them.

“He Can’t Always Hide “The Look:” This is hard to explain, but often a husband who still has feelings for his wife has a certain look that he’ll give off when he thinks that no one is looking. It’s a look of longing with a bit of nostalgia thrown in. This look can be fleeting and yes, it can be hidden. But when you see it, you know it. I knew my girlfriend’s estranged husband still loved her by the way that he continued to look at her – even though his words said otherwise, and even when he was angry at her.

Why A Husband Will Hide His Feelings: Again, there are many reasons because everyone is unique. But sometimes, a husband will try to keep his feelings hidden because he doesn’t want you to misinterpret them. He’s often well aware that you want to reconcile as soon as possible. And even when he suspects that he may want that too – one day – he doesn’t want to rush this process. And he worries that if you know that this is the way he feels, you’ll pounce. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to reconcile eventually. It just means that he wants to be thoughtful and deliberate about this. Why take the steps to separate only to rush back into a reconciliation that may backfire? Why not do the work and take your time so that everything happens at the right time?

I’m not defending this thought process, necessarily. I’m just explaining it so that you can see the benefit of not pushing. As you can see, in many of these scenarios, just offering a little time while you continue to inch a little closer is probably the better strategy than trying to force his “real” feelings out of him.

Are His Feelings Enough?: Another reason is that he might be clear on the fact that he still has feelings for you but he isn’t sure this will be enough if you haven’t yet worked on your marriage. He may be waiting to see real change.

He will likely share his feelings once he’s both sure about them and sure about what he wants to do about them.

And you can make the chances better that his feelings will be positive by being empathetic and removing any issues that you know exist. If he thinks you are someone who provides relief rather than pressure he is more apt to eventually reach out to you very willingly. This swing may feel very far away, but it can happen when you least expect it.  At least that was the case for me. And it eventually lead to a reconciliation.  The rest of that story is at https//:isavedmymarriage.com

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