Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: There’s no question that this year has been a rough one. We’re living in a global pandemic, but many of us are also dealing with issues concerning our employment, our kids’ schooling, and caring for vulnerable older family members. Some of us have been furloughed or lost our jobs. Others are juggling working from home with being homeschool teachers.  

And, as bad as all of this is, many of us have limited outlets with which to recharge our batteries, since we must social distance and limit our exposure to others. So, it’s not surprising that many people are shutting down emotionally. And, this shut down is incredibly painful for the person who has closed themselves off. But it can also be devastatingly hurtful for the spouse and family members of that person. Worse, it can sometimes very negatively affect your marriage, as the isolated person can convince themselves that they don’t love you anymore, and they now want out of your marriage at a time when they might need it the most. 

A wife in this situation might say, “Admittedly, my husband has lost much in just a few short months. At first, his job was furloughed. But last week, he found out that it was eliminated altogether. Because of his job loss, he’s taken over the homeschooling duties. This would be hard on anyone, but I feel that my husband has become seriously depressed. He used to be somewhat extroverted, but lately, he sees no one. He doesn’t make an effort to reach out to his friends anymore. He’s become very isolated and sad. The other day, he told me that he doesn’t love me anymore, and thinks that he wants to separate or get a divorce. When I ask him why, he has no real answer. He’s clearly desperately sad. And I feel sure that this talk of ending our marriage is his depression talking, but he denies that he is depressed, and insists that he doesn’t love me anymore. What can I do?”

This is a tough spot, because naturally, you suspect that your husband’s sadness/depression clouds every impression he has about his life, including you and your marriage. It may also affect his ability to feel affection, since he’s distanced from everyone, including you. In truth, people often lash out at people of convenience and those who are closest to them. Unfortunately, that is you. But there are a few things you can do to fight against this. 

Reach Out To Professionals Who Know How To Tackle Mental Health:  Let’s shelve the claims that he doesn’t love you and wants to end the marriage for right now. We can deal with that a little later. 

First, I want to stress that unless you are a mental health professional, it’s best to let a professional deal with your husband’s mental health. I realize that many people will refuse to go to counseling. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t talk to someone on his behalf. Many communities are offering free services right now. And some health insurances also have free mental health resources for their customers. 

I know you love your husband and may think that if you can just love him enough and support him, then he can get past this. You SHOULD do both, but that may not be enough in the case of depression. No matter how much you work on your marriage, if his emotions are clouding his judgment, you’re going to need to address his emotions before you can get complete relief. 

You might try gently suggesting that you BOTH go to counseling so that you can both cope at a time that is stealing everyone’s happiness. If he is already under a doctor’s care, mention this to his doctor and ask for suggestions. Try to get help in any way that you can, even if he’s not cooperative and you have to work with only yourself. 

It is better for you if a third party is directing your husband. That way, any feelings or reactions that he has are not directed at you.  

With this said, you can only give this your best effort. Try your best to get him to see someone, but if he won’t, go yourself. Find some support and know that you alone cannot make him happy or cure him of his sadness by sheer force of will. 

Validating Your Husband Will Make Him Less Defensive And More Accessible: I know it’s tempting to announce that your husband is only reacting to his sadness and that all this talk of not loving you and wanting to split up is just nonsense. It’s also tempting to be overly accommodating and affectionate, in the hopes that you can love your husband out of this mess. 

But, neither of these strategies validates your husband’s feelings, which he likely desperately wants and needs right now. Don’t insinuate that he is wrong or is incapable of making his own decisions. This will make him feel spoken down to or like a child, which he may resent. 

Instead, listen calmly and place your focus on his happiness rather than on your marriage. Make him believe that you want to help him get what he wants and needs. Stress that his happiness and wellbeing is as important to you as your own. 

Tell him that although you can’t control how he feels, you can control your part in the communication and the relationship between you. Hopefully, as he sees that you are serious and willing to make good on your promises, he will also rise to the occasion.

For Now, Continue To Put Your Marriage Second And His Mental Health First: I know that you are worried about your marriage. But for right now, let him know that although you are still invested in your marriage, his mental wellbeing is your most immediate concern. Then, come at this with love, patience, and hopefully outside help. Leave nothing on the table because you want to know that at the end of this, you can be proud of the way that you handled it. 

Now, practically, you and I both know that you don’t want a separation or divorce and that you are NOT okay with him saying he doesn’t love you. But if you worry about your marriage first, then he’s going to think that any effort your make right now is only meant to manipulate him to stay in your marriage. 

You can’t have this. Because you need him to open and receptive to you so that you can eventually address his perceptions of your marriage. But for now, the best play is to focus on his well being. If he can improve his mental health, he will likely see your marriage (and his love for you) differently.

Admittedly, you can’t force or fool him into contentment with life or with your marriage. But you can support him in his struggles and conduct yourself in a way that makes him think positively of you.

As his melancholy fades, you will be in a much better position to address your marriage, and hopefully you won’t be even facing the possibility of separation or divorce.

If you end up still facing the possibility of splitting up, all does not need to be lost. My husband was sure he didn’t love me anymore and we separated.  I eventually tried a totally new approach and this eventually worked. You can read my that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/