Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s no secret that I’ll almost always advocate saving your marriage over a divorce. So its no wonder that I sometimes get emails from people looking to slow or stop their husband’s attempt to divorce them. People sometimes seek help with legal strategies like refusing service or “contesting” the divorce to slow down the process. I’m not an attorney, so I can’t and won’t offer any legal advice. And although I know that these strategies are born out of a need to buy time, I think that there is a far better way to change his mind anyway. My suggestions would encourage you to place your focus on positive strategies that don’t paint you as the villain or as someone who is trying to keep your husband from reaching his goal. Because when you position yourself in this way, your husband only wants to make his exit more quickly and is therefore much less likely to change his mind.  

Here is what I would suggest instead: 

Understand Why Fighting And Contesting Encourages Negative Feelings And Thwarts Any Affection He Has Left:  It may be hard to believe this right now, but I think that most people have some doubts about filing for divorce, even if they seem sure that it’s the right thing to do. Most of them have a little voice in the back of their head who asks, “Are you absolutely sure? What if you’re wrong?”  

And this can work FOR the wife who wants to save her marriage. But, when you make this process bitter and combative because you want to “fight” or “contest” the divorce, you take away any doubts that your spouse may have had. 

The conflict that is inherent in this process is the reason that the spouses often strongly dislike each other once the marriage is finally over. This is a contentious process that pits one person against the other and ensures that nobody wins.

But, you do have some control over this. You can refuse to act like everyone else. You can surprise your spouse with your response. Make it clear to him that you intend to conduct yourself with dignity and grace. Refuse to participate in divisive behaviors that will only make things worse. 

Make it clear that you want to part on good terms and take pride in your behavior during a very difficult time.

Again, I’m not talking about legalities here. Please discuss this with your own counsel. I’m talking about your behaviors outside of the legal process. And I know what you are going through.  I was once on the doorstep of divorce too, before I turned things around. 

Why Not Fighting Is Different Than Giving Up: Many people understand the intention behind this strategy, but they worry that I’m suggesting they give up, rollover, and just allow their husband to divorce them. I promise that I’m suggesting nothing of the sort. 

I’m simply following the assumption that in order to save your marriage, your husband has to see your favorably. He has to think of you and wonder if divorcing you is a mistake. He should start to doubt that your marriage is severed beyond repair.

These things can only happen if he doesn’t think you’re the one person standing in the way of a better life. 

 Don’t worry. You’ll be working behind the scenes to change his mind, but you won’t be actively fighting with him in the open. 

Understanding What It Would Take For Him To Willingly Want To Stay Married:  Stop for a second and ask yourself why your husband wants this divorce. Why is he doing this? And before you give me a fuzzy answer like, “he just doesn’t love me anymore,” or “we couldn’t communicate without fighting,” I want you to get very specific. 

I don’t know you or your husband. But I’d be willing to bet that I could tell you at least one reason why your husband wants out – even if neither of you knows it. Most separations and divorces have at least one identifiable unifying factor: a loss of emotional and physical intimacy. I know that you may be thinking I’m talking about sex and you might believe that I don’t get it because you’ve been married a long time, and how can I expect you to still act like a newlywed?

That isn’t at all what I mean. We all know couples who perhaps have gone through extreme periods of hardship where they aren’t even having sex and yet they are still completely in sync and they are each other’s rock. It’s that type of commitment you make when you feel deeply understood and supported by the person you respect most in the world. These couples see themselves as part of a whole and, despite any problems, they approach their partner with empathy. 

I would never tell you that sex isn’t important. It’s vitally important. But the intimacy I’m talking about goes far beyond the physical. The good news? If you can get even a slice of this back, you’re nearly home free. When you have this type of intimacy, the common problems that all troubled marriages share just don’t matter as much.  

The bad news? It can be a challenge to get this back when you do not have access to your husband. The first step to maintaining access is to not be so combative that he doesn’t want to deal with you. The next step would be to ask yourself what your husband thinks he’s gaining by divorcing you. What does he think he cannot have if he remains married to you? You have to be brutally honest.  

I may be able to help a little and tell you that when confronted with this issue, many husbands will admit that they feel their wives do not understand and value what they really want. They don’t feel heard or prioritized. I know that this is hard to hear. And there may be a real inclination to say, “Well, I’m not heard either. Or “of course he makes this all about him.” 

But see this for what it is. An opportunity to make progress. If you can do this, you are in a much better position to convince him that he’s made a mistake by divorcing you. 

Understand That Appearances Matter: I hope that you have read the above and that a light is going off in your head. I hope that you will try at least some of the suggestions above. When you do, remember that you don’t want to act panicked or desperate, which can both make you appear inauthentic and unattractive. 

We need to get honest once more and ask ourselves what attributes attracted our husband in the first place. The answer is highly individual. It may have been your dorky sense of humor or your giving heart, but I’d doubt that it was your combative stance of your desperation, so remember this as you go forward with this plan. 

Put your best attributes on display right now and into the future, because that is one more way your husband may begin to reevaluate. Once he does, move slowly. Never revert back to a pushy stance where you try to take control. This is a cooperative effort.

When my husband initiated a divorce, I did not understand these principles and of course I “fought” my husband all the way.  And of course that backfired and I had to return to square one. Thankfully, I soon decided to approach things from another angle which eventually worked. You can read that story my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

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