Would Tough Love Make My Husband Come Back To Me?
By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are getting pretty tired of the patient and understanding approach when waiting for their husbands to make a decision about the marriage and to come back home. They often begin to wonder if they should change their approach and instead give their husbands a dose of “tough love” or an ultimatum, especially since nothing else has worked so far.
I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “When my husband left because he wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay married, I figured arguing and acting nasty about it wouldn’t do any good. So, I tried to be understanding and told him to do what he needed to do and I would be here when he came back. Well, that has been months ago and nothing has changed. When I ask him if he’s made up his mind or if he is coming home, he tells me he still doesn’t know and that he’s still evaluating his life. Well, that’s great and all but where does that leave me? Because he doesn’t seem any closer to coming home than he did two months ago. At this point, I’m considering a “tough love” approach. I feel like telling him that while he’s taking his sweet time, I just might not be here when he gets back and I just might find a man who doesn’t have to weigh his options or sort out his feelings to decide if he wants to be with me. What do you think? Will tough love or an ultimatum work or help?”
These are difficult questions to answer because I don’t know either person personally. Sometimes, when the wife runs out of patience, this gives the husband a little nudge, but more often, it only makes him feel pressured and angry and so he’s less likely to come home. In the following, I’ll explain an approach that I believe is more successful than the tough love approach.
You’re Right That Sometimes Your Husband Has No Incentive To Make Up His Mind, So It Can Make Sense To Change Things Up: The wife in this scenario had a right to feel as she did. And as long as she continued to tell her husband that she would wait for him to make up his mind, he really had no incentive to be on any certain and speedy time frame. And some wives are OK with this because they want him to thoroughly think about what he truly wants so that if and when he does come back, they have the confidence that he is there of his own free will and there’s a better chance that he’s home for good.
But not every wife feels this way. Some just lose their patience and have the feeling that he’s never going to be in any hurry to move forward. I do understand this. And I do agree that if you feel that you are being taken advantage of or not taken seriously, it can make sense to change strategies to shake things up a bit.
Be Careful Of Any Tough Love Approach. I Prefer To Stop Just Short Of Ultimatums Or Negative Messages: Here is one major problem with “tough love.” It is very difficult to deliver this message without it coming out as very negative and manipulative. Very few men respond positively to it. I probably cannot think of more than a few scenarios where the husband reacted as the wife wanted. Instead, many will tell you that if you’re tired of waiting, you are free to move forward with your own life or with ending the marriage.
That’s why I prefer a method that sort of gives you the best of both worlds. I usually advocate continuing on with your patient and loving attitude while you stop waiting around for his big “decision” about your marriage. In other words, you start to live your life without continuing to hold your breath and wait for him. There’s no need to make any grand announcement or declaration. It’s unnecessary (and often not a good idea) to proclaim that since he can’t seem to make up his mind, you’re no longer waiting.
He will notice the difference without your having to do this. And, at the same time, you don’t want to come off as resentful or overly dramatic. You simply stop asking about his decisions or his feelings all of the time. You drop that topic and remain as pleasant as you can possibly be, but you make it clear that you’re moving on and living your life because you’re no longer going to remain in limbo. Does this mean you try to make your husband jealous or hint that you’re seeing other people? This might be taking it a bit too far. Instead, you hang out with girlfriends, you take advantage of the time to clear your own head, and you do things that you enjoy but have been putting off while you have been waiting for him.
Usually, the husband notices these changes without your needing to make a big announcement. And once you’re no longer pressuring him or continuing to constantly ask about him coming home, he will usually wonder why and begin to have some interest in you and your life once again because of his own curiosity. And sometimes, if you continue to play your cards right, this tactic will actually get him home faster (and in a more positive way) than tough love or an ultimatum ever could. And, it avoids the resentment that usually comes in forcing someone to hurry up before they are ready to do so. By just living your own life without any pressure, you’re allowing him to make his own decisions and set his own pace while showing him that it might be in his best interest to step the process up a bit.
I know this from experience. I tried ultimatums, playing hardball, and all sorts of negativity when I was trying to force my husband to come back home. These things didn’t work and made our situation worse. Things continued to deteriorate until I figured out that my actions were pushing my husband further away. Fortunately, I was able to change course and save the marriage. You can read more about how this played out on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
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