Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives understandably want confirmation of commitment from their husbands. The thought process is that yes, we both know that our marriage is struggling because of the separation. But, at the end of the day, we wives want reassurance that the end goal is for the marriage to survive and for the couple to reunite. Sure, it may take some time and some hard work. But it’s ideal if both parties agree about the future of the marriage.

And some husbands will say that yes, he wants to be together and save the marriage.  Unfortunately, his actions are in direct contrast to his words. Many husbands claim to want to salvage the marriage, but those same husbands do absolutely nothing to address and then fix the problems that lead to the separation in the first place.

A wife might say, “after three months of separation, I finally got my husband to tell me that ultimately, he wants to be together. This felt like a victory at the time because he’s been so distant during our time apart. It is like pulling teeth to get him to talk about his feelings. It is even harder to get him to say something complimentary about me or the marriage. Since we had that conversation, things have been improving somewhat. However, my husband still has not agreed to counseling, nor do I see any effort by him to address or work on our problems. It’s as if he thinks that all he has to do is verbalize this desire and the problems are going to fix themselves. This honestly makes me doubt his sincerity. Is he just saying that he wants to be together so that I will stop bugging him? How are we going to address our problems?”

I doubt he’s insincere about his desire to ultimately be together. Many separated husbands don’t rush to “work” on the marriage.  It’s not that they don’t want things to get better.  It’s just that they are resistant to emotional work. I will list some of the reasons why below, as well as offer some tips on the steps you can take to ease him into working with you to address the issues.

The Idea Overwhelms Him: Many men find wading through their feelings and vulnerabilities to be an exhausting thought. And this type of wading is how many of them picture counseling. So yes, they are hoping that their commitment is enough to make things work since emotional exploration frightens them. But of course, we all know that hope without action is not going to give us the results that we want.

He’s Not Sure What To Do Or How To Begin: Some husbands are in theory willing to do the work necessary to fix your problems, but they are truly clueless about what needs to be done. Many of them have never been to counseling before and they have no idea what they should look for in a counselor or what to expect if they go. Likewise, for those couples who chose to try to repair the marriage on their own, few of us have any real experience with this. So many husbands feel as if they are flying blind. They’re willing to do what is necessary, but they don’t know where to start.

He Worries That You Will Fail: The fear of failure holds many couples back. Wanting your marriage to work and actually having the tools to save it are two very different things. While many husbands acknowledge that yes, in a perfect world, you would end up together, moving from where you are now to that triumphant place of togetherness is going to take many small steps. And it may not feel like you have a road map for this.

Accepting A Gradual Approach That Allows You To Ease Into Improvements: At the risk of sounding like I am siding with your husband, I learned the hard way that it is better to take a gradual approach when working on your problems. Why? Well, as you have already seen, sometimes you have to take baby steps when your separated husband is overwhelmed or reluctant. It is usually easier to get him to go along when you show him that you can accomplish small, easier tasks. Once he is comfortable with regularly making small efforts, then you can strive for bigger gains. This helps him to gain confidence while you gain his cooperation.

Another consideration is that in the beginning, your marriage may be too fragile for you to make big changes or for you to scrutinize things too much. That is why it is better to accept small gains and to build up as you are able and your husband is willing.

Please understand that I am not asking you to settle for less or to accept your problems as permanent. Of course you will need to fix them eventually. But pushing your husband to address them all at once may lead to a husband who is too paralyzed to do anything at all, at least in my experience. I learned that you can actually walk many miles with baby steps. Yes, it may take a while to get where you want to go. But once you do, you will have a willing partner and you will have a steady stance with which to walk.

For now, let yourself experience the relief that he’s telling you that he wants to be with you. We don’t always get those wins. So savor it. And then vow to gradually work on your issues, but not at all once. Yes, this requires patience. But baby steps are why I am still married today.  You can read the whole story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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