Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: One of the most confusing things to unpack during a marital separation is how often the spouses will communicate with one another. Very often, the two spouses have different wishes about the amount of communication between them. That’s because it’s not uncommon that one spouse wants more space and time apart while the other spouse needs communication to feel reassured. So you get one spouse pushing away while the other spouse is trying to pull closer. Needless to say, this can create tension and confusion.

Often, wives who didn’t want to separate and who now want more communication worry when their husband isn’t reaching out or taking calls or texts.

One of them might say, “when my husband left our house for a separation, I asked when I might hear from him. He said that I should let him be the one to call me because he just needed space for a while, and he didn’t feel that we should be in constant contact with each other. He strongly felt that we needed to give each other some time. There was no way that I could change his mind about this even though I didn’t agree, so I said nothing. Now it has been over two weeks. I still haven’t heard from him, and I’m panicked. I know he’s fine because I’m in contact with his sister. I worry that he has no intention of calling me and that I’ll hear from him when it’s time for me to get divorce papers. Otherwise, why wouldn’t he have called?”

This Silence Can Be Painful, But It Can Also Be Normal:

I know firsthand how bad this feels. It feels like the worst sort of rejection, and it feels like the confirmation of your worst fears. However, he may be still settling in, evaluating, and taking his space. His keeping silent right now doesn’t mean that he will do so forever. Plus, he may be trying to set a precedent of having some space. This is not uncommon at the beginning of a separation. He hasn’t had time to miss you or to feel the void of things that he is now missing in his life. Once he does, that’s when it is common to see him initiate more contact. But it’s a little too early for that phase right now.

How to Move Forward While Still Respecting Boundaries:

If you’re having a very hard time doing nothing, I don’t think that it would be too catastrophic to just send a quick text asking if everything is okay. Yes, I know you know that he is okay, but you’re still within your rights to ask. He’s still your husband and you still care about his wellbeing. He’s free to answer the text at his own convenience with as much as or little information as he wants. Most people wouldn’t object to that little bit of contact. His response may also give you a bit more information about where he is at mentally and emotionally.

Understand the Balance You’re Seeking:

I admit that this situation is quite tricky. Your husband has gone out of his way to try to set boundaries with communication. If he perceives that you’re repeatedly going to try to cross these boundaries, he may pull away or, even worse, make it harder for you to contact him.

That doesn’t mean that you have to pretend like he doesn’t exist and just wait endlessly for him to call you. But it might mean that you have to be careful with reading his cues when you do communicate. If it’s obvious that he’s frustrated and non-receptive, then you may want to give it some time. If he’s happy to hear from you or reaches out to you, then it’s probably a little safer to move forward.

Maximizing Opportunities:

In the beginning of your separation, you’re still trying to establish what is normal or comfortable, so communication might naturally be less at first. That means that you’ll need to make the most of it when it happens. As best as you can, try to make speaking or communicating a pleasurable experience. You may not exactly feel upbeat, but that doesn’t mean you can’t convey the same. Try to make sure that he leaves the conversation not opposed to speaking with you again soon.

Yes, this may mean that you need to save the difficult conversations for later. Initially, you’re only trying to establish regular, positive rapport. You’ll build on that later, but in the beginning, things are usually too delicate to do much heavy lifting, unless you have a very willing partner.

You’ll help yourself considerably if you find a way to be lighthearted and playful when you may be feeling anything but. I know this sounds like I’m asking you to fake it. I’m really not. You can be as honest as you need to with your journal, therapist, and friends. But when you’re trying to get your spouse comfortable talking to you regularly, you want that to be a pleasant experience. It can’t be pleasant if you spend that time projecting your fears and doubts onto the conversation.

I do realize that eventually, you will need to have some difficult conversations, but the time is usually not in the beginning of your separation. Because in the beginning, you’re establishing your new normal and you want to make sure it’s clear that you welcome regular, productive, but easy and low-pressure communication.

If all you talk about is pleasant small talk but you both enjoy it, that’s totally fine initially. You could talk about sports or the weather as long as you’re both willingly participating in the conversation. I know it may seem silly and like you’re taking a step backward to lower the pressure, but you’re trying to establish a positive base on which you can work and build.

To answer the original question, though, you might not yet have heard from your husband because he’s still working on those boundaries or he doesn’t yet feel he’s had enough space. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with briefly reaching out, but I’d keep it positive and brief.

I say this only because I’ve been there.  My husband was very non-responsive initially during our separation and I made it worse with my pushing and my constant need for reassurance.  As a result, I made much more work for myself.  Eventually, my hard-headed self realized that I needed to strategically back away some to gain some ground. You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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