Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: From my own experience, and from dialoguing with separated wives, I find that the time during a separation is often perceived as incredibly lonely. Most of us have wonderful family members and friends who stand ready and willing to support us. But it doesn’t always matter. We want our husband standing by us, not other people serving as stand-ins. So we very much feel abandoned and somewhat hopeless.

Still, most of us are a stubborn bunch. We’re determined to “fight” to the better end. We vow to fight for our husband and fight for our marriage as hard and as long as it takes. But we often don’t make a plan for what happens when our husband very publically decides to throw in the towel and stop fighting. What happens then?

A wife might say, “my husband and I were fighting and had a very awkward marriage for about six months before we officially separated. Since then, we’ve been separated for four months. So our lives have basically been turned upside down for fourteen months. Some weeks it seems like things are getting somewhat better between us, and other weeks, it seems they are getting much worse. Last night, my husband told me that he was tired, so very tired, of continuing to fight for this marriage. He said that he just isn’t willing to fight anymore. He didn’t mention the D word, and I wasn’t so stupid as to bring it up. But I’m scared. He made it clear that he isn’t going to try anymore. He hasn’t said he’ll fight me, or that he won’t cooperate with me, but these are my fears. If he doesn’t want to fight for our marriage anymore, where does that leave me? Where does that leave us?”

I know how you feel. My husband didn’t come right out and tell me that he was done fighting, but he most definitely acted like it. Honestly, it was almost like a switch flipped one day. He was just done, and it was loud and clear with his actions, if not his words. But, I am still married today. If I had depended on him to work with me for the entire time, I would have divorced. I believe you don’t need your husband’s assistance the entire time. I also don’t believe either of you needs to “fight for your marriage” at all.

Why I Dislike the Term “Fight for Your Marriage” and it’s Not That Alarming that Your Husband Doesn’t Like it Either:  I get the appeal of “fighting” for something. I used to use this term early in my separation. I told people that I’d fight as hard as Rocky Balboa if need be. But, I came to realize that this is honestly a terrible analogy. “Fighting” implies conflict. It implies a long, hard battle that is anything but pleasant. It implies that you’re going to have to take something by force. Is this really how you want to look at your marriage?

You don’t want to force your spouse or your problems into submission. Instead, you eventually want a collaborative effort. If you can’t get that initially, you’re going to have to work with who you have – yourself. But you don’t need to take a combative stance.  

And I’m going to tell you something that might surprise you. Because it would have surprised me if someone had told me this during my own separation. You don’t always have to work so hard and be so panicked. You don’t have to act like the sky is falling. I know that this is counterintuitive. I know that your intuition is telling you that you must act right now. But that kind of panicked thinking will force bad decisions and unfortunate actions. You are so much better off calming down and slowing your roll a bit so you can make gradual, real progress.

Despite What You Fear, You Can Carry On With Trying to Save Your Marriage No Matter What He Says:  Again, I know that you may feel the need to panic and think that the game has changed. He’s just told you he won’t fight anymore. What to do? Honestly, you don’t have to do much of anything too drastic other than just take a moment and reevaluate how you’ll best approach this. He hasn’t mentioned divorce. So you don’t have any immediate deadline.

During my own separation, I eventually found (after making many errors and mistakes) that there is actually plenty that you can do to improve your marriage and your situation on your own. You don’t have to “fight,” but you can methodically take stock, quietly make changes, and keep a positive connection between you and your husband, even if you’re nowhere near close to reconciling just yet. 

Yes, you’ll have to be patient. Yes, sometimes you’ll need to act as if you’re doing nothing at all when you feel your husband push back. But you can quietly make a difference. You don’t always need his assistance or cooperation. You don’t need his permission. And you don’t need him to fight. 

Eventually, when he is ready to get started, you’ll be in a good situation. Because you’ve already started, you haven’t made things worse, and you haven’t alienated him in any way. So let him say he’s not fighting anymore. Frankly, as I’ve said, I don’t think it’s necessary for either of you to “fight” anyway. Instead, you tend to what is left of your marriage, you take stock of it, you change the parts that aren’t working, you reevaluate as necessary, and you continue to nurture and guard it as you decide whether or not you’ll reconcile and when. 

Of course, if he files for divorce, you may need to work a bit more quickly. But I stopped “fighting” for my marriage during my separation too, and turns out, that was one of the best things I could have done. Once I stopped holding on so tightly and clinging so hard with a combative stance, things actually improved. You can read about how I got from that improvement to a reconciliation at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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