Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Having your husband leave can be one of the most catastrophic things you ever face. It’s normal to try to console yourself with the thought that, one day soon, he’s going to feel regret about his actions. He’s going to be sorry for walking out that door. And yet, when you wait for him to return and nothing happens, you wonder if you were wrong. Perhaps he’s not going to feel any regret after all. Or, if he does, he will only feel it when it is too late to matter.

Someone may say, “Everyone told me that my husband would eventually regret leaving me. They tell me that I’m a wonderful wife and he is lucky to have me. I was so despondent when he left for a trial separation. But all of my friends and family assured me that if I gave him a little time, he would eventually regret his actions and would come home. I consoled myself with this thought. When things got bad between us and he eventually left, I thought ‘well, if I wait just a little while, the regret is going to come.’ But it hasn’t. We have been separated for months now. And my husband doesn’t appear to have any more regret than he did in the first week we separated. He seems to be living his best life, relieved that he’s not responsible for me anymore. Everyone tells me to continue to be patient. But how much longer is this going to take? When do husbands feel regret? When do you typically begin to see the signs? Because I’m starting to think that my husband is not going to feel an ounce of regret until he is on his deathbed and looking back over his past mistakes. Or until we’ve both married other people and are miserable.  If either of these happens, it will be too late for either of us.”

Take An Honest Look At Your Stance: I completely understand your thought process. I had the same fears. And frankly, it DID take my husband far too long to regret our separation. (I did not want it. He did.) However, if I am being fair, I must admit that part of the reason for the delay was my own behavior. My husband wanted time away and “space.” But my insecurity and impatience meant that I wasn’t willing to give it. So I pushed. I begged for reassurance. I feared that he didn’t miss me at all.  Unfortunately, all of the pressure I applied inspired him to avoid me because I kept wanting more than he wanted from me at the time. So no, he didn’t regret separating from me at all – at least at first. Because I wasn’t allowing him any separation at all, he just wanted MORE space between us – not less.

Things only changed once I reluctantly gave him his space. So, if you are in the same situation, consider backing off some so that he has the time to ponder and to miss you. Without this, you can’t get the results that you want. Assuming that you are not making the same mistakes that I did, the remorse that you are looking for could be right around the corner. Please know that everyone is different. And of course, you do occasionally have husbands who never feel regret, but many do.

Here are five examples of when it most often happens.

1. When He Realizes You Were Not The Problem: Many husbands initiate separation or a request for “space” when they feel the walls of their life closing in. However, sometimes, this is due to other issues outside of their marriage. They can’t see this at the time, however. It is easier to blame someone or something else. So they separate and they are quite sure that this action is going to fix everything. However, when time has passed and they find that they are still miserable, they start to realize that throwing their marriage away wasn’t the answer. And not only do they have no solution, but they have caused more problems than they started with.

2. When He Misses You Or Your Life Together: This one can take longer to materialize (sometimes because we do not give him space.) Also, he may initially enjoy his freedom or think that there is relief in not fighting all of the time. But, eventually, many husbands begin to miss that cozy life they had with their wives. They miss having someone else who is so intimately aware of and involved in their life. They will often have something happen at work or during the course of their day. They want to come home and share it with their wife and they realize that they can’t because they pushed her away.

3. When He Gains Perspective On The Issues That Divided You: People often separate once their most problematic issues reach a head. At this point, things seem pretty unbearable and it can feel as if separating is the only way to get relief. When things get this bad, it can feel as if your problems are insurmountable. However, time and distance have a way of providing perspective. Husbands begin to realize that they played a part in your marital issues and therefore, they can also play a part in fixing them.

4. When He Sees That You Are Independent, Coping, And May Eventually Have Other Options: This one is going to be difficult to explain. But it has to be said. When I was clingy, desperate, and begging, I’m sure that my husband saw me as less attractive. Frankly, I was a bit pathetic and I have no doubt that my behavior made him want me less, not more. However, luckily, I corrected my mistakes. And I eventually learned to project an image of strength and hope. This made my husband see me as a capable person again and he treated me as such. Suddenly, we were able to communicate like adults. Also, I learned to keep myself busy and to start socializing with people who cared about me. This showed my husband that I had options other than to wait around for him. And this put a little hurry in his step to reach out to me again.

5. When Enough Time Has Passed: We all want to reconcile as soon as possible. But often, a husband’s changing perspective comes in time. How much time is very individual. Some husbands gain perspective more quickly than others. Others lag behind a little. It’s very easy to become impatient and to push, but I promise that if you do, it’s more likely that you are delaying his regret rather than hurrying it along. Most husbands do gain greater perspective as the separation continues on, but only if you maintain a positive relationship with them and give the space and the time to happen.

As I alluded to, it took my husband quite a long time to regret our separation.  Eventually, though, he not only regretted it, he worked with me to undo it.  We reconciled, but only after I completely changed strategies.  The rest of that story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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