Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives encounter behaviors from their husbands that they were not expecting. Of course, no one can know what to anticipate from a separation. No one can predict the future. But some wives are surprised to find that the same husband who rushed to get out of the house now seems interested in her emotions. In fact, he’s so invested that he appears to be playing with these same emotions. Many wives have no idea why he would do this when he didn’t seem to care how she felt when left. Is this behavior of his based on vanity? Cruelty? Boredom?

A wife might say, “honestly, I thought my husband was no longer invested in me or my feelings. I was sure that he no longer cared about our marriage. Ever since he left our house to pursue a separation, he’s been pretty distant. He doesn’t communicate about himself very often, so I rarely know what or how he is doing. And I assume that this is the way he wants it. That’s why it’s kind of shocking that when he does reach out, it seems that his immediate goal is to get an emotional reaction out of me. He will say things that he knows will make me react. He’ll tell me that he heard a song that made him think of me. He’ll ask if I miss him. He’ll say that there’s no denying that he will always love me. Considering our circumstances, how can I believe this? It’s weird because I don’t think he wants me to miss him. And I doubt his love for me. When I try to initiate any activity that would encourage a reconciliation, he shoots it down. He’s given me zero indication that he is interested in saving our marriage. Instead, he seems to be having the time of his life. He’s seemingly doing the things he always wanted to do now that he’s not tied down by a wife. I am bracing myself for him to ask for a divorce. So why would he play with my emotions like this? What does he care if I miss him?”

I can only theorize. But first, I want to offer some reassurance that your husband’s behavior isn’t all that unusual. My husband (who wasn’t interested in reconciling for a very long time) also toyed with my emotions during our separation. And my husband is definitely not a cruel or malicious person. And I do not even think he realized what he was doing. But I think there are some simple, innocent reasons that a separated husband may still want some control over his wife’s emotions. Here are a few:

He Wants To Know That, In Your Eyes, He Still Has It: Many people experience at least some insecurity when they are separated. Let’s face it. When you are married, you have a built-in audience. When your marriage is cruising along, you know that someone values you, finds you attractive, and cares about you. But when you’re separated, all of these truths are now in doubt. Even though he’s no longer actively living with you, (and you may suspect that he’s not as invested as he once was,) he may still want some reassurance that he still matters to you and still holds some value.

He Wants Confirmation That You Are Still Invested: Most of us assume that our separated husbands have already moved on and have no interest in looking backward or in reconciling. While this may be true at some points during the separation, things can change. Husbands know this. That’s why they’ll often want to make sure that, should he change his mind and want to come home or re-enter your life, you will be open to this. By consistently checking in with your feelings, he’s essentially taking your emotional temperature to make sure that you are still receptive to him. After all, things are not always as they appear to be. He may not be as happy as you assume. Or there may come a day where he’s tired of being alone, and he realizes that the separation was a mistake. If that day comes, he wants to make sure that he still has an in with you.

Where Does All Of This Leave You?: Even when you understand that his toying with your emotions probably isn’t malicious, this push and pull isn’t always fun. It can be painful and confusing. Wives often wonder if they should just endure it in silence or just hope that it’s a positive sign. That really depends on how troublesome this behavior is to you. Sometimes, when you understand why a husband perpetuates the behavior, it becomes easier to endure. You can see that it might actually be a good sign rather than a bad one. Other times, this distinction doesn’t matter.

If his actions are more painful than hopeful, you could always try to bring this to his attention. You might say something like, “while it’s flattering to hear you say that anything makes you think of me, comments like this confuse me. You’ve given me the impression that right now, your priority is not me or how I feel. And then you say things like this, which seem to contradict my assumptions. Care to offer a clarification? Am I just reading too much into this? Please understand that I’m not complaining or asking you to stop. I like hearing that you still consider me sometimes.”

Make sure your tone is light and doesn’t sound accusatory. Because the last thing you want is for him to STOP caring about how you feel or to pause before showing any kind of emotion. You don’t want him to think that he can’t say what pops into his head for fear of you taking it the wrong way.

He may reassure you that he still cares very much, or he may tell you that you’re over-thinking it. But at least you’ve let him know how you feel, (hopefully without making him defensive.)

At the end of the day, unless you think your husband is only trying to hurt you, there may be innocent reasons for this behavior. It’s not necessarily a bad sign. In fact, it can often be a good sign, which hopefully makes it a little easier to endure. In my case, I believe it was a good sign because eventually (and after some carefully calculated behaviors from myself,) my husband DID become open to reconciliation.  And we are still married.  That entire story is https://isavedmymarriage.com

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