Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: There are potentially many painful experiences one goes through when on a trial separation, especially if you were not the spouse who initiated it. Many of the readers of this blog did not want to separate. Most of them are trying to figure out a way to end their separation as quickly as possible. To that end, many want to know how they should act around their separated husband to maximize the chances of reconciliation.

To do that, it’s important to understand what separated husbands truly want from their wives during the actual separation. And this can be trickier than it sounds. Because men are notoriously vague when you attempt to ask them to define how they envision or want the separation to play out.

A wife might say, “I honestly do not know what my separated husband wants or expects from me. We’ve had several conversations now where I’ve attempted to ask him how often we’ll see each other, how we’ll handle the house and finances, and how much distance he wants to keep between us. I’ve directly asked him what he wants to accomplish for our marriage during our separation, but I never get a straight answer. I honestly am not sure that he actually knows what he wants – except that he wants a break from me. He won’t come out and say that, but it’s obvious. I would like for him to remember that we are married, and I’d like to talk to and see each other regularly, but I don’t know how realistic this is. Because I’m afraid he will be resentful if I try to push myself on him. At the same time, I’m afraid that if we have limited contact, it will be out of sight, out of mind. I’m afraid that he will move on quickly and feel relief that I’m no longer in his life. Is there any way to know what he wants or expects? What do men really want from their wives during a trial separation?

Every man is different. Every marriage is different, so every separation will be different. That said, I believe that I have a pretty good idea of general things that men would like to have when separated. I base this on my own separation and from speaking with many separated individuals and couples.

He Wants That Elusive Sweet Spot of Space: Men who initiate a separation have usually wanted one for quite a while. It often takes time for them to get the courage to bring it up. As a result, he’ll often want an immediate pause in the conflict. And to accomplish that, he’ll often ask for “time,” or “space.” Unfortunately, very few husbands carefully define what they mean by this.

So you will have to become good at reading the cues he gives. Because many husbands will say that they want lots of space and then will soften some when they get lonely or realize that going solo did not solve all of their problems. Or some will have the opposite experience and promise lots of contact and then change their minds.

You’ll often have to watch for his reactions when you communicate or are together. If you get the sense that he isn’t receptive, back off. If he seems to want more, then gradually move forward.

He Wants Access To His Kids, Loved Ones, Or Pets: Many wives will understandably play every card in the deck to maintain access to a separated husband. That’s why some believe that using kids or other loved ones or family members as leverage is fair play. Many believe that if he wants to see loved ones who still live in the house, well then, he must go through the wife to make that happen. I understand this thinking. Sometimes, you feel justified in using whatever advantage you have. But I can tell you that a man in this situation will almost always resent it if he suspects that you are using the people or things that he loves to gain and advantage. And this will hurt your chances for reconciliation in the long run. When you give him liberal access to the people or things that are just as much his as yours, then he will likely see you more favorably.

He Wants Your Patience And Empathy: I understand why wives want the separation to end immediately. I felt the same way. But pressuring your husband to reconcile before he is ready will almost always hurt your cause rather than help it. Likewise, telling your husband that he is selfish and immature for prioritizing his own happiness will likely cause him to avoid you and to delay access even more. As difficult as it may be, I know from experience that it is in your best interest to be patient and to have empathy. If you can see your husband as someone who is trying to work through a difficult time (exactly as you are,) then you will likely have a much better result. Likewise, if you can convince yourself that it’s better to have a gradual, successful reconciliation than a rushed reconciliation that fails, you are more likely to restore a committed marriage.

He Wants To See At Least Improvement Of The Most Problematic Issues: Finally, as difficult as it might sound right now, usually it takes some sort of forward motion to initiate a reconciliation. In other words, the things that were dividing you are going to need to change, and to hopefully improve substantially. Because why would he want to reconcile without such change? I realize that this may seem impossible if your husband isn’t willing to go to counseling or to have important but difficult conversations. But I believe that such improvement is possible if you are willing to move deliberately and gradually. Yes, you need a good deal of self awareness, deliberation, and patience. But you usually don’t need to fix everything. And I found during my own separation that gradually increasing the ease and comfort between you will often help substantially. When you like and respect your spouse again, you’re able to work through conflict much more efficiently than when you are angry and defensive. You’ll often find that the best thing that you can do is to just try to restore the ease and compatibility between you. Once you can accomplish this, the rest becomes much easier to manage.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of what separated men want. But I believe that it encompasses many of the most important issues. We often mistakenly believe that his expectations are unrealistic or unreachable. This isn’t always true. Often, he just wants to feel better about your relationship and the way that you interact with one another. Once that hurdle is crossed, you’ll often find that he is more willing to meet you half way with the rest.  At least this was the stance that I took.  And it eventually worked, even though I had a separated husband who was very reluctant to promise me anything.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin