Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I’ve heard (and read) tons of complaints about husbands adding to household stress right now because of his “bad” or negative attitude. Honestly, this is not surprising. We are living in unprecedented, difficult times right now. And with quarantines or limits on daily life, most of us are spending much more time with our spouse in potentially cramped quarters. So, it is no wonder that we are not at our best.  

But I have to tell you, the complaints are all pretty similar, and they can be troubling. An example is something like, “my husband’s attitude lately has made our situation more intolerable than it already is. He’s never been an optimist or a bright ray of sunshine. But lately, he’s awful. My grandmother used to say that you get to see what a person is made of when a crisis hits. Unfortunately, I have gotten to see that my husband is not made out of the most resilient stuff. He’s acting like a whiny baby. Yes, we have less money coming in. Yes, we have had to help my parents, who have health issues, and who shouldn’t be out right now. So yes, I buy and deliver their groceries. I often make extra meals for them. And I’m dealing with more parenting responsibilities on top of this. But do you think my husband pitches in and helps me in any way? No, not a chance. Instead, he pouts because I have less time for him. He resents what I’m doing for my parents and our kids. He makes nasty comments and takes any opportunity to be pessimistic and to declare that our situation will ‘never end.’ Honestly, I hate to be around him right now. I avoid him. We are both angry and distant. Am I overreacting when I feel like his bad attitude could ruin our marriage?”

No, not at all. In some cases, a spouse’s bad attitude can become more problematic than the societal circumstances with which we are dealing. Ideally, we want to draw strength from our marriage and our family right now. But if our spouse’s attitude is keeping this from happening, then it might be a bigger problem than you realize. Because there is actually some scientific truth to your suspicions. 

A Recent Study Suggests That A Husband’s Attitude Can Greatly Impact Marital Happiness: A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family evaluated almost a thousand couples who had been married for an average of about 39 years. The researchers found that “wives whose husbands show higher levels of positivity reported less conflict. However, the wives’ positivity had no association with their husbands’ reports of conflict.”  

In other words, the couple was more likely to have turmoil in their marriage when a husband, not a wife, had a bad attitude. Co-author Linda J. Waite explained the type of negativity the researchers saw: “The clashes are not primarily about fighting or violence, but rather whether one spouse criticizes the other, makes too many demands, or generally gets on the other person’s nerves.”

The study found that when a husband exhibited this type of behavior, it was more harmful to the marriage than when the wife exhibited the behavior. That could be because behaviors like worry are more expected and therefore socially acceptable coming from women, but I suspect that this data tells an even bigger story, which leads me to my next point. 

Understand That The Behavior Which Follows A Bad Attitude Can Be Much More Damaging To Your Marriage Than The Attitude Itself: This is an interesting study because surely, there are plenty of wives whose husbands perceive them as critical and demanding. (In fact, the men reported higher levels of criticism by their wives.)  

And yet, it was the husband’s behavior that impacted the marriage. Why? The study did not examine the “why.” However, another notation out of the study might indicate a clue. It notes, “Husbands reported more criticism and demands from their wives overall, but also higher levels of emotional support.“

I believe that this is vitally important. Why? Because when a husband exhibits a bad attitude, he is more likely to harbor resentment and negativity, and as a result, he will distance himself from his wife. So he will withdraw emotional support and affection. Quite honestly, I believe that this behavior bothers wives more than a bad attitude. And I believe that this is what hurts your marriage the most. 

One of the reasons we get married is because we want a partner who has our backs. We want someone to stand with us and support us during good times and bad. So when our spouse just steps back from this role, we lose a huge benefit of marriage. 

Notice that in the above example, the husband was pouting, withdrawing, and refusing to help with parenting responsibilities. This is extremely damaging. I would argue that the attitude can actually be a symptom of the withdrawal, and that the withdrawal is more damaging. 

Breaking The Negative Attitude / Withdrawing Cycle May Require A New Strategy: I’m going to ask you to bear with me from the outset because what I am about to say may strike you as wrong initially. But, it is important to understand what may be behind your husband’s bad attitude and subsequent (and dangerous) withdrawal. Men sometimes turn sour when they feel helpless.

Think about what is happening right now. We ALL want more control over what is happening in our lives. But, other than being diligent about safety, so much of what is happening is outside of our control. Many husbands right now are responding with extremely high levels of frustration and pent up anger that is not usually typical of them. They now have limited outlets for this frustration. And, you, as their spouse, are likely feeling just as frustrated. Needless to say, this is not a great combination.

Most likely, your husband needs your support every bit as much as you need his. But, he looks around and he PERCEIVES that you are putting your efforts toward everyone else instead. Notice that I said “perceives.” I didn’t say that this was reality. I’m just suggesting that this may be how he sees it. Rather than asking for what he needs, he withdraws, which begins a cycle of both of you not getting the support and affection that you desperately need in times like this. 

So, how do you reign it in? You go first. You offer him exactly what you yourself are looking for. Offer him a glass of wine, a walk, a shoulder to lean on, or a back rub. Do this enough times and I’d be willing to bet that his attitude, and his withdrawal, will begin to abate. As the two of you are there for one another, your sense of hopelessness, helplessness, and isolation will improve, and so will your marriage.

I hope this article has made it clear that your husband’s bad attitude can be a very big problem. And not only because, as the study shows, but it can also weaken your marriage. More than that, it can lead to a withdrawal which becomes even more painful. 

My husband definitely withdrew from me before our separation.  Unfortunately, I did not react in the way that I just suggested. And this mistake almost cost me my marriage.  Thankfully, I eventually found some strategies that worked, but not before I experienced time without my husband in my life.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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