Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives notice various signs of disconnect when their marriage begins to take a turn for the worse. One of the most common is a husband not being in tune with (or affected by) his wife’s emotions. And one of the most troubling scenarios where you see this is when the wife becomes so upset that she cries and the husband’s response is indifference, anger, frustration, or denial. If this happens once, it may not be a huge cause for concern. But if it becomes part of a pattern, a wife may begin to wonder if her marriage is in trouble because her husband just doesn’t care about her anymore.

She might say, “I will admit that I have been quite emotional lately. My mother has been sick, and at a time when I need my husband to be the most supportive, he is distant. So I’ve been crying because of my mother. But lately, my tears are because my husband has shut down on me. Or because he says cruel, unfeeling things. Most of the time, I can’t help it when I cry. It is outside of my control. But there are times when I admit that I hope that he will see my tears and show me affection and comfort me. Instead, the opposite happens. He pulls away even more. Or he tells me that I am laying it on too thickly. So I end up feeling a million times worse than when I started crying. Does a man who doesn’t care when his wife cries just not love her anymore? Does it mean that our marriage is doomed?”

Not necessarily. There are some benign reasons that husbands may not give us the response that we are looking for when we cry. And sometimes, our reaction to his distance actually makes the problem worse. I’ll explain this below as well as offer some tips you might try to turn this troubling trend around.

Sometimes, Husbands Turn A Blind Eye To Our Tears When They Don’t Know How To Help Us: I’d be willing to bet that if your best friend showed up at your door with tears in her eyes, you’d stop what you were doing, sit her on your couch, listen without interruption, offer her a soothing shoulder to cry on, and then try to help in any way that you could. And this is the behavior that most of us would like to see from our husbands.

Unfortunately, though, I don’t know many men who act this way, except under dire circumstances. Men can certainly be empathetic and caring. But many men are born “fixers,” and when they are in a situation where they are unsure of how to fix the situation, they are somewhat lost. So instead of trying but falling short, they sometimes won’t try at all – preferring to leave the emotional work to your friends and family. In the above example, the husband is in a situation where he can’t do anything about the wife’s mother being sick. Ironically, this is not what the wife is asking of him. She just wants his comfort and support. She doesn’t need him to fix anything. But men often can’t see the distinction.

This doesn’t mean that they don’t love you. It just means that they shut down when they feel helpless to make it better.

Are You Going In Circles Because Of An Unfortunate Cycle?: Unfortunately, wives in this situation will often double down and try to put on an even stronger display of tears. This is understandable. You desperately want SOME reaction out of him, even if that reaction is negative. It is maddening to be so hurt and vulnerable that you are practically begging for affection and reassurance, only to have him pull away instead.

But, it is very important to understand the probable dynamic here. Unless there are larger problems in your marriage where your husband is harboring anger or resentment toward you, his not knowing how to correctly respond is not necessarily malicious. His behavior is more likely to be based on his doubts that he can make things better for you.

So when you cry even more or become increasingly upset, you are only reinforcing the idea that he can’t help you effectively. So, it is actually more likely that he will back away. Now, let’s move toward how to change this.

Ways You Can Improve This Situation: You have every right to want to feel supported and soothed by your husband. It’s very detrimental to your marriage if he feels somewhat helpless while you feel unloved. The first step in fixing this is asking yourself if there is any reason for your husband to be emotionally distancing himself right now. Is there any issue that is dividing you that is causing distance, resentment, or tension? I only ask because, if there is, nothing that I’m about to suggest is going to work effectively until you address the underlying issues. A spouse who feels connected and empathetic toward you is going to be much more likely to try to offer emotional support when you are upset or crying.

Assuming this is not the case, know that you may need to ask your husband for what you need until he becomes more comfortable and competent with emotional support. So the next time you come back from visiting with your mom and feel upset, if he starts with the distance, trying saying, “Can you just hold me right now? I know that I am emotional, but I just need some support.” When it is said this way, very few husbands are going to refuse. If he does, there may be bigger issues going on.

When he complies, say, “You don’t know how much I need this. I know it is hard for you to see me fall apart when he can’t do anything about my mother’s illness. But your presence and your support ARE helping me by making me feel loved and supported. I don’t need anything but for you to listen and just be here with me.”

You may have to repeat this process – your asking for what you need and then lapping on the praise and affection when he complies, but eventually, he should begin to initiate the desired behavior because he is getting positive feedback.

When this happens, you are getting the support that you need and you have improved your marriage. I know it may seem unfair to have to ask for his support, but if it gets you what you need, the end justifies the means.

Don’t feel silly for knowing that you need your husband’s supportive reaction and support when you cry or are upset. Empathy and connection are vitally important in a marriage. They are the first things to go when your marriage is in trouble. I know because this happened to me and it almost costs me my marriage. But you can read about I ultimately saved my marriage at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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