Steps To Take When Your Husband Says He Wants A Divorce And You Don’t.
By: Leslie Cane: It is one of the scariest phrases on the planet. Very few people actually want to hear the words, “I want a divorce.” Sometimes, we have the time to brace ourselves, since the marriage has had long-standing issues. Still, when you hear these words, it is often very shocking and upsetting. This is true even if you suspected that it was coming. Many of the wives reading this article have heard these words, but they don’t want a divorce. Since this site is about saving your marriage, this article is going to attract people who want to AVOID a divorce.
To that end, the following article is going to offer suggestions for wives who have been told that a divorce is on the horizon, but who are trying desperately to avoid it. I’ll outline some steps that may help you avoid the divorce that you don’t want.
Step One. Don’t Panic. Know That This Process Takes Time: I know first hand how easy and even intuitive it can be to panic at the first sound of these words. It is completely normal to immediately envision yourself as elderly and alone because you’re soon going to be a divorced woman who is well past her prime. However, even though so many of us do this, it’s really not helpful. Try your very best to avoid this type of thinking. Laws and practices vary by state, but nearly everywhere, divorces are a process that does not happen immediately. Sure, your husband can certainly begin the process quite quickly, but in order to protect all parties, completing the legal process can take some time. It’s fair to say that you are not likely to be divorced tomorrow. You do have a bit of time. Plus, people can and do change their minds when they change perceptions or see improvements. Not all men who set out to get a divorce actually get one. Some actually reconcile with their wives. Some decide on a trial separation instead. I do understand the fear because I was absolutely sure that I was going to end up divorced. And yet, I’m still married. My panic did absolutely nothing to help me. In fact, it hurt my chances to get my husband back.
Step Two: Try To Understand What Your Husband Thinks That He Will Get From A Divorce: This clarity can be very, very important. If you can understand your husband’s mindset and can get a firm grasp on what he’s thinking, you can have an advantage in crafting a plan to reconcile. For example, my husband felt that he couldn’t live a peaceful life with me alongside him. He felt that we were two different people and, therefore, he felt the need for space. To his credit, he was honest about this. Unfortunately for me, although I gave lip service to the issues, I didn’t actually take concrete action. Therefore, my husband stopped believing that things could change. He felt that in order to actually get change, he had to also get a divorce. Once I accepted these things (and it took me way too long,) I was able to craft a plan. As hard as it was, I traveled to force myself to give my husband space. After a while, he gave me access to him once again because he saw that I was willing to back away. Once I had this access, I used it to gradually and sincerely show my husband real and sustainable change. I did not rush this or push too hard with it. I wanted my husband to come to his own conclusions and to believe in lasting change on which we could base a marriage and reconciliation.
Step Three: Take Small Gains. Accept What He Will Give You: Another thing that is important to understand is that often, you and your husband will need to interact because your lives are intertwined. You may have kids together or other issues that mean you need to communicate. Use this to your advantage. Of course, you don’t want to push if your husband is resistant. You will usually need to be careful not to come on too strong, but even in the middle of the divorce, there are often opportunities for positive communication. During this time, you can display real and meaningful changes in yourself and in your behaviors. Again, you may have to accept very small victories. Sometimes, even a short phone call that goes well is cause for celebration. But it’s very important to understand that even a short positive phone call may mean that he won’t hesitate to reach out to you again. Each time that he does, make sure that it ends on a positive note so that one pleasant transaction builds upon another.
Step Four: Use The Time To Your Advantage: More than anything, most of us fear being alone. However, if you are in a situation where your spouse is thinking seriously about (or seeking) a divorce, chances are that you’re going to have a little more time on your hands. It’s very easy to feel depressed and lonely during this time, but that also doesn’t help you. The only way that you can really flip the circumstances to your advantage is to use the time for improvements. Surround yourself with loving people and pleasing, soothing activities. Make concrete improvements that will lift your spirits and raise your confidence level. Seek counseling if this will help you. That way, when you see or communicate with your husband, the vibe will be different. He should be able to tell that something has changed and then wonder what it is. (Hopefully, he will make it his mission to find out.)
Step Five. Know That It’s A Marathon, Not A Sprint: Unfortunately, this process can take a bit longer than we want it to. A husband who has thought so long and hard about his marriage that he seeks a divorce is usually not going to change his mind over a weekend. Unfortunately, unraveling this can take a bit of finesse. When you rush things, you scare your husband off and then you have to work twice as hard the next time. As hard as it is, know that since this may require gradual progress, you’re going to need to commit to the long-term view rather than risking short-term gains by pushing too hard.
As I alluded to, I had to work very gradually and deliberately to avoid a divorce. But once I got a clear plan in my head and had the patience to wait it out and move as my husband allowed me to, I was able to save my marriage. There’s more at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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