Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people are surprised when they start having sex with their separated spouse. They’d assumed that sex would be off-limits or that it would be forced, awkward and bad.

They may be pleasantly surprised to find that the sex is not only a bit more frequent, but it’s good. 

One of the spouses might say, “My husband and I have been separated for a couple of months. Before he moved out, we barely had sex. And when we did, it wasn’t good sex. It was mechanical, robotic, and not very exciting. 

One night after we’d separated, we’d been drinking, and we ended up having sex, and it was some of the best sex we’d had in years. After that, we started having sex relatively regularly, and it’s always much better than the sex we had right before we separated. It makes me wonder if the separation was a mistake, which I’ve thought of all along. My husband was the one who wanted to separate. And I think that the good sex we’ve been having just proves that we should still be together. I want to try again as soon as possible, but my girlfriends caution me that I shouldn’t try to push my husband too hard since things are going a little better than expected with the sex.”

I have to say that I agree with your girlfriends somewhat. I know that having good sex right now feels reassuring. You know that he still finds you attractive and is willing to be with you in an intimate way, and that undoubtedly feels good. But that good feeling isn’t the only thing to consider. It helps to think about why it’s happening and what it could lead to.

Why a Couple Might Have Great Sex While Separated:  I think one of the main reasons couples have explosive sex while separated is that emotions and libidos can be running high. When you may be heading toward an extended separation or divorce, you may become aware that you may never have sex with this person again, and that can make them more alluring. 

You also may be missing that person, and the absence of them can feel like an ache. So when you have a chance to erase that ache, of course, you are going to take it.

Additionally, some couples would truly like to reconcile one day in the future, and being intimate with one another is one way to test the waters toward reconciliation. If it feels right, then that may be a good indicator that at least there is hope and promise.

And it is a good indicator that the two of you still have chemistry and passion. You need that for an ideal marriage. But, as you likely already know, this isn’t all you need.

Using Sex as a Stepping Stone:  I don’t want to insinuate that sex isn’t a positive development. If you both feel good about it and want it to continue, I don’t see one bit of harm in it. However, having sex is addressing one issue in your marriage. But not any of the others that may have led to the separation. And it’s very common for there to be multiple issues.

Granted, I believe the sex actually makes it easier to address your other issues. Because as you restore intimacy, you are more receptive to one another and you’re more willing to cooperate to come to a resolution. But you should do the work to come to a resolution. If you just brush your problems under the rug, they are only going to come back. Or en intensify.

But at least now you have some inspiration and a reason to be hopeful. You have access to your husband – which means you should have the ability to talk through and address your issues when your relationship is ready to do so. 

That’s not nothing. That’s a large advantage that many separated wives do not have. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have to do the work. But it does mean that you have an “in” for the work. And the work may be easier because he may be more receptive to working with you. 

Wanting to Get Back Together:  If you’ve always hoped for reconciliation or even just decided that you want one recently, I see absolutely no reason to change your mind. The intimacy that you are developing now can certainly help to solidify that decision.

But just having sex with one another doesn’t mean that you’re back together unless you both agree that you are and you also both agree to put the work on your marriage aside.

Most of the time, sex doesn’t mean reconciliation. It’s a promising development, and it offers reassurance that the spark is still there. It certainly helps you suspect that getting back together isn’t out of the question. But it’s not all that is necessary.

However, it can serve as inspiration to keep right on going. It is progress that may help lead you to more progress. I would keep doing what you’re doing as long as both people want to and then slowly incorporate working on your issues very gradually as your relationship can withstand it.

You don’t want to address so many issues that it takes the joy out of the time you are spending together. But you can’t afford to ignore the issues, either. So you can just go gradually, little by little – until before you know it, you’re not only connecting sexually, you are also connecting emotionally.

I would have loved to have sex with my husband early on in our separation.  But that wasn’t my reality.  He wasn’t receptive.  I had to do a great deal of work on my own before he was ready to work with me.  You can read more about how I did it and how we eventually reconciled at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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