Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Believe me when I say that I know the pain of a marital separation. I know the fear.

I know the loneliness.

I know the struggle of dealing with the uncertainty.

I know how easy it is to slip into the behaviors and the mindsets that are actually going to be detrimental to you and may lessen the chances that you’ll get what you want – your marriage back.

So in this article, I’m going to focus on both the things I wish I hadn’t done and the things I commonly see separated spouses do that are both painful and run counter to the goal of saving your marriage.

Focusing on your Fear and Dread: I know that you feel the fear deeply.

I know that perhaps it keeps you up at night. But don’t assume that a separation means divorce.

It doesn’t have to. Plenty of people have temporary separations, reconcile, and go on to have long, happy marriages.

When you’re focused on fear, your anxiety and cortisol rise, and your sound thinking declines.

As a result, you may say or do things you don’t mean. And you may assume things that just aren’t true.

You’re also more likely to assume the worst, making a self-fulfilling prophecy much more likely.

Isolating Yourself: It wasn’t hard to tell that I was pretty devastated during my separation.

I looked awful. I stopped wanting to enjoy aspects of my life that had nothing to do with my marriage. And I tried to beg off of my regular outings and obligations.

If I’m being honest, I just didn’t want the burden of seeing people at the time.

But what I didn’t realize is that isolation only leads to more sadness and despair. It is one of the worst things you can do.

When you get in this state, you are the walking wounded.

And how do you think you will look (or sound) to your spouse when you interact? Not good.

You want to get yourself in a position to be an improved version of yourself when you and your spouse interact. You can’t do this if you’re created a den of depression around yourself.

That’s why as hard as it is, you must get yourself out there. Tell your friends and family that they aren’t to let you off the hook no matter what excuse you make.

Volunteer to do for others. Place the focus outside of yourself.

Ask yourself what you can do today to improve your situation and your mood. And then do it. I promise you that you will feel better by bedtime if you do these things.

Not Thinking About What you Both Want or Need in a Marriage: When I was separated, I would have done anything my husband wanted to get him back. And he knew this. Which is why he didn’t respect me or believe what I was trying to sell him.

You must think about the long term. If you settle for less, that’s exactly what you’re going to get.

You may as well make this separation worth it. You may as well have an honest inventory with yourself and ask yourself what you’d need or want to make your marriage better.

I know this isn’t the time to make demands, nor should you.

But this IS the time to think about your marriage very honestly. Because only then will you be able to truly fix it into something that makes you both happy.

Trying to Elicit Pity, Guilt, or Jealousy from Your Husband: I get it. When you’re without your husband, you’d sometimes much rather get a negative reaction than no reaction at all.

It’s very easy to assume that you’re being ignored and then want to throw a rock in the water just to watch the ripples. But please don’t.

You want your husband to think of you wistfully when he thinks of you.

You need for him to miss you and to eventually think that this separation was a mistake.

If you try to make him feel guilty, sorry, or jealous, he’s unlikely to feel these things. In fact, he might be glad that he’s limiting his exposure to you. And he’ll definitely feel manipulated.

I know that backing away for a bit is easier said than done. I know that it’s very easy to give in to petty impulses right now because you’re frightened and lonely.

If you need to, let this loose on your friends or family. But don’t let it loose on your husband.

Making Yourself a Pest: When you are separated, you wonder how you still fit in with your husband, his family, and his friends. You care about these people. You still want to be in their lives.

And there is nothing wrong with that, so long as everyone is comfortable with it.

But sometimes, your husband has specifically asked you for space and time. And believe me when I say that sometimes this is the hardest thing to give.

It’s so very easy to make a pest of yourself.

What is he doing? Where is he going? What is he feeling? Why didn’t he call you back?

I understand why you are thinking and feeling these things. You have every right to. But if you ACT one them so severely with your husband that you make a pest of yourself, then you’ve made a mistake that is hard to dig yourself out of.

Sometimes, you just have to let it ride for a while instead of constantly asking for details, reassurances, and specifics.

If he has asked for time, give him that. Step back some and busy yourself with your own life – just until he’s at the point where he’s ready to come to the table.

This isn’t forever. It doesn’t mean you have to ignore your husband’s family members that you’ve come to love. But don’t try to get them on your side or involve them in things that are only between your husband and you.

Don’t play games.

Do the very best that you can. Act in a way that you can be proud of tomorrow, next week, and next year.

You can never go wrong when you act with integrity and understanding – for yourself and for him.

I am telling you these things because I made a bigger problem for myself when I did them during my own separation. Do not make the same mistakes I did.  Although I was able to redirect myself and save my marriage, it took far longer than it should have.  You can read about that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin