Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Believe it or not, it’s very common to question the motivations of a separated spouse who suddenly wants to come home.  This can be very confusing when you’ve spent weeks (or even months) trying everything in your power to lure your spouse home, while telling yourself that you will take him in any way that you can get him.  Still, when he suddenly wants to come home after resisting you for so long, sometimes, you can’t help but ask yourself why.

Here is a common scenario.  A wife might say: “my husband and I have been separated for just over two months.  I did not want the separation. I begged my husband to reconsider, but nothing that I could do or say would change his mind.  To his credit, he allowed me to stay in the house and he got a really small, dark, and nasty apartment.  While separated, we have stayed in touch and I would say that things are relatively decent between us.  I wish that he showed me more affection and that I wasn’t the one who does all of the calling and texting.  But it is not like he avoids me or anything like that.  I have been asking him to come back during this entire time and he always tells me that he’s not ready for that and that he isn’t sure when he might be ready.  Then all of a sudden, last night, he called and said that he was ready to come home.  I was thrilled, but then I was suspicious.  Because I could tell by my husband’s tone of voice that he was getting ready to insert a ‘but’ into the conversation and sure enough, I was right.  It seems that his sister needs a place to stay with her kids.  Of course, common sense would tell you that my husband’s tiny little apartment is not big enough for everyone.  So the pessimist in me is thinking that my husband only wants to come home so that his sister will have a place to stay.  Just last week he was telling me that he was not ready to come home.  But suddenly, everything seems to have changed.  In other circumstances, I would be thrilled, but now I feel like I’m only being used for the square footage in my home.  The problem is, I really do love my husband’s sister and don’t want to turn her away.  I wish she would have just called me directly.  Because now I am so conflicted.  I want him back and my friends say that I am reading too much into this.  But over the course of our relationship, my husband has always done more taking than giving and I worry that it is the same thing here.  How do I know if I am being used?”

I’m not sure if there is a way to know other than attempt to remove the variable of the sister.  Theoretically, you could tell him that although you’re thrilled about the thought of him moving back home, you don’t think that the timing to host his sister is optimal.  You could offer to pay for a hotel for the sister’s family and see how your husband takes it.  If he’s agreeable to that, then perhaps you aren’t being used after all.  If he’s insistent that his sister stay with you, then you’ll have a decision to make.

Only you can decide if your husband is the type of person who would make a decision as serious as the outcome of your marriage on the basis of his sister needing a place to stay.  The timing may well be coincidental. Or, you may decide that it is not coincidental, but you may be clear on the fact that you will take him back anyway, since you’ve worked so hard, and waited so long, to get him back.  Once he’s back, then you can work hard on the changes that need to take place, but haven’t so far.  Because if you don’t work on the original reason that you separated, then you are still vulnerable to unhappiness and conflict moving forward.  You could certainly take advantage of his willingness to move back and then capitalize on the opportunity to get help in order to ease your doubts.

You might try: “you know that I am thrilled at the thought of your coming back.  I’m sure that it’s been obvious that this is what I’ve wanted. But I’m concerned that we haven’t laid the foundation of improvement and that we’ll get off track while we’re distracted with your sister being with us.  Can we see a counselor when you come back?  That way, we’ll stay on track and we’ll still be able to help your sister at the same time.  In that scenario, every one wins.  I just want to set it up so that we are successful and that we don’t have to ever go through this again.  I only want to reconcile once and then have a happy marriage moving forward. I believe that counseling and making permanent improvements to our marriage can help us to do that.”

Hopefully, he will readily agree.  If not, there are self help resources that you can use in lieu of counseling, but I’d strongly suggest using something to keep you on track.  I can tell you from my own experience that it’s very difficult to recover on your own.  Most of us just don’t have the objectivity and self awareness needed to evaluate our marriage in this way.  I understand your concern about being used.  And I think that you are smart to address it.  But I also know how hard it can sometimes be to get a separated husband to agree to come home.  I also know that it’s easier to save your marriage when your husband is living under your roof.  That’s why I think the smart compromise might be to get him home, but to also address your concerns right away. You can read about my own very sloppy and mistake-ridden reconciliation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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