Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It can be a challenge to keep a family close during a marital separation. This is especially true when there are children involved. Many parents do everything in their power to prioritize their children’s well-being at the expense of their own. Many attempt to put their own feelings on the back burner to make sure that the kids have what they need.

This can be challenging when you desperately want to save your marriage but your spouse does not. Because often, the kids are at the home of the spouse who didn’t move out. As a result, the spouse who moved out must visit and therefore interact with the other. If this interaction becomes too awkward or painful, then the visiting spouse might come over less – which means that the kids would have less access to one of their parents. And the parental-child relationship may become more distant over time. In this situation, unfortunately, the parents’ struggling relationship HAS affected one spouse’s relationship with the children.

A wife might say, “Before we separated, I would have told you that my husband is a fantastic, hands-on, and loving father. He knows the names of my kids’ teachers. He comes to all of their extra-curricular activities. He cares deeply about how they are feeling and what they want. He claimed it was for this reason that his decision to separate from me did not come easily. But I honestly don’t know how much I believe that. He seems to think he’s living his best life away from me, so I can’t help but wonder how long he yearned to be rid of me and his responsibilities.”

 “Now that he no longer lives here, he’s no longer the hands-on father he once was. I admit that it doesn’t always go well when he comes here. And it’s not that we fight. I would never fight with him. I want him back, desperately. He knows that. So it’s awkward because he knows that I long to get back what we had. Yet, he wants to give me no hope about that. So he avoids interacting with me as much as he can. I feel like this weird dynamic between us has meant he’s cooled off with the kids as well and that hurts. But at the same time, I’m not going to give up my marriage or my hopes of a reconciliation.”

I don’t think you ever need to give up hopes of a reconciliation as long as you are still married and no divorce has been finalized. I never gave up when I was separated, and I strongly feel that is why I’m still married today.

However, as a child of divorce, I think it is vital that you do everything in your power to encourage a loving relationship between your husband and children – even during this separation. Here are some tips on doing that while also prioritizing an eventual reconciliation.

Be Absent When He Visits With the Kids:  I know that it’s your house and the kids’ house. But, at least for right now, it would probably be helpful if you’d make it clear to him that you needn’t be present for his visits or pick-ups. Ask a mutual friend or family member to drop by when he’s scheduled to get them and take a walk or run an errand.

I know that scenario iis not exactly convenient, and it’s your house. It’s likely frustrating that you have to do this. But I’ll tell you why I’m recommending it. Doing it this way is encouraging him to spend more time with his kids, which is important.

But just as important, you’re trying to reverse a troubling trend, as follows.

Make Sure He Knows He Needn’t Avoid You:  If you keep going in the way that you are, your husband may start feeling that he has to take drastic action to avoid you. 

And, in that avoidance, his feelings for you might sour. You don’t want that. You want the opposite of that. You want him to either think neutrally or positively about you. So you have to reverse the trend as it is now.

That might mean that you back off right now. That might mean that you allow him to have his relationship with his kids without you in the mix at all – at least for right now. 

It might mean that you have to distract yourself for a little while so that you can give him more time and space. I know that seems like a scary proposition. I know you might be worried that if you back away, you’ll lose even more ground.

But it’s honestly typically the opposite. When he repeatedly sees that he doesn’t have to worry about your pressuring him, questioning him, or coming on too strong, he doesn’t have to avoid you. He can let his guard down eventually.

And that is when you’ll have another chance to come back again on better footing. Hopefully, he will have resumed his relationship with his kids and be ready to at least maintain some sort of relationship with you.  

If that relationship is only co-parenting or friendship at first, fine. You can build on that – slowly and gradually. What you cannot build on is a husband who wants to avoid you so much that he’s willing to cool his relationship with his kids for now. Nothing good can come of that. And that trajectory won’t change until you yourself change it up.

So take the initiative and make it easier for him to interact with the kids by removing yourself from the equation for now. I promise, this is the long game. It’s not giving up. It’s regrouping. It’s stopping a bad situation from getting worse. And there is nothing wrong with that. 

I promise you that the long game can buy you time and it can work.  I had to do it, and it eventually worked for me.  You can read about how I made it work at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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