Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives intuitively know that it is in their best interest to remain positive, especially if they want to save their marriage. So they try to maintain an upbeat, hopeful attitude. But this can be difficult when you face a husband who answers you with negativity at every turn.

A wife might explain, “I can’t pretend that my husband’s negative attitude and behavior are new. They really aren’t. He turned sour about four months before he told me that he needed a break and wanted a separation. However, I had hoped that once he got what he wanted, he would resort back to his generally optimistic and kind self. Unfortunately, this hope has not been realized. If anything, he is even more negative. He is abrasive when I try to communicate with him. And it seems that he goes out of his way to look at things in the worst possible light. I want to save my marriage. So I try to reach out to him, and I am always very careful to be pleasant and upbeat. I know that this gives me the best chance of attracting him back to me. But he always responds with a brick wall. It is almost like he thinks if he can be negative, he will thwart my attempts at positivity. How can I gain any ground with this man when he is so negative and so closed off?”

I understand your challenge. My husband and I had differing attitudes at various times during our separation, and this did make things more difficult. But no situation is impossible. And we reconciled and are still married today. So there is always usually something to work with and someplace at which to start. In the following article, I’ll offer some tips for dealing with a very negative separated husband.

Honestly Evaluate The Possible Cause Of His Negativity: The husband in this situation seemed to have a pattern of negativity that began before the separation. Since his unhappiness likely at least contributed to his request for a separation, this makes sense. To be honest, it’s very normal to feel quite down when you have a life change like a separation.

Quite frankly, it put me into a depression. I was the negative party most of the time during my separation, while my husband was more optimistic (partly because he WANTED the separation, and I did not.) That said, he certainly had plenty of lonely and confusing days.

Drastic changes in your life and your marriage can cause you to grapple for your footing. None of this is easy. Negativity that is a direct result of this type of uncertainty can eventually pass as the person adjusts.

Another possibility is that he has unresolved anger about something to do with you and/or your marriage and you are unknowingly facing it whenever you reach out to him. If you think that this is a possibility, you might want to try a direct response like, “I can’t help but notice that you seem troubled and upset. Is there anything that I can do?” Listen carefully and see if his reaction offers you any clues about a possible source of his anger. Sometimes, if you can address what is bothering him, he will become more receptive and less negative.

Finally, negativity that is meant to thwart you or discourage your moving forward may mean that he is just not ready to give you an “in,” at least right now. This doesn’t mean that he won’t ever be ready. But he may be purposely putting up a wall because he wants some time before he is more welcoming. He may not know what he wants right now so he is trying to stall.  Remember, this may only be temporary.

Evaluating Your Own Behavior: So where does this leave you? Although it’s tempting to allow this to cloud your own behavior or to change your strategy, I don’t think that this is the right call, although you can tone it down some if you think that you are coming on too strong. You may want to ask yourself if your attitude is coming off as ingenuine, especially if you were not full of positivity before.

If the answer to these questions is no, then sometimes, you just have to gather yourself and wait. You let him know that you’re sorry he is upset and you offer to listen or to help or support him in any way that you can.

And then, you can continue to be positive (as long as this is genuine) because it helps you and it is how you want to live your life right now. And allowing him to turn your own behavior negative benefits no one.

When both my husband and I had negative behavior during our separation, our possibility for reconciliation declined considerably.

It was not until we were BOTH firing on positive cylinders that a reconciliation became possible. However, this took time. We were not both at the same place at the same time. We both needed self-work before we could come together as individuals to make a better couple.

A Workable Compromise: In your shoes, I would ask myself if perhaps my attitude was coming off as pushy or ingenuine. Occasionally, a husband will react with negativity if this is the case. If not, see if you can get to the core of WHY he is so negative. If he’s just reacting to the life changes that come with a separation, this can be normal.

But if he’s genuinely struggling with something else, try to support and help him. If he can overcome those struggles, the behavior should change.

If he’s just using the negativity to keep you at a distance, you will just need to move very gradually as you are able. Because if you double down and push too hard, he is only likely to resist that much more. He may become even more negative as a result, which is not what you want.

Instead, learn to read his cues. As difficult as it can be, sometimes you just have to regroup and try again at a better time. This can actually diffuse the tension so that the next time, he is more receptive and less negative.

But continuing to come at him when he is resistant rarely makes things better or improves his behavior. And calling him out on it will only make him defensive. Remain positive, but don’t push and offer support rather than trying to counter him.

Believe me, I learned all of this the hard way.  But negative behavior never did anything but hurt our chances for reconciliation.  I had to bide my time.  Pushing always made it worse.  But I eventually got my husband back and saved my marriage.  You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin