Leslie Cane Articles

Understandably, many wives who are worried about their marital status will flat our ask their husband to save that same marriage. Typically, both parties know that the marriage is in trouble, but sometimes, only one spouse is openly invested in saving it.

A wife might say, “I know that my marriage is in serious jeopardy. We are not officially separated, but my husband has started spending nights at his office or with his siblings. I suspect my husband is looking for a way out of our marriage. So I decided that my best strategy was to directly ask him to save our marriage. I made a special dinner. I tried to be playful and charming. And then I asked him if he would work with me to rescue our marriage. He looked away. He would not even look me in the eye, and then he abruptly changed the subject. He went back to small talk and then he left. I do not know how I will save my marriage if my husband is not even willing to have a conversation about it. Is my marriage over?”

Not necessarily. No one has filed for divorce. No divorce decree has been signed. You are still married, at least for now. This means that you have some time to try different strategies. That said if your husband is reluctant to commit to saving your marriage, you may have to work around his resistance. I will offer some strategies for this below.

Why He Won’t Commit To An Open Discussion: Many wives worry that their husband’s lack of eye contact or commitment during discussions about saving your marriage means that he isn’t interested. This is not necessarily true. Hie spending time away from home indicates that he’s admittedly torn right now. As the current situation stands, he may have some reservations about fully committing. However, the situation can change. You can bring about the change in circumstances that may, in turn, change his mind about your marriage.

Eye contact is a sign of intimacy and willingness. If your marriage is struggling, then it makes sense that both of these things might be lacking right now. However, that doesn’t mean that he will always feel this way. This does not mean that he will always be reluctant.

If He Won’t Talk About It, Don’t Ask For His Permission: I know it would be reassuring for your husband to have an honest conversation about saving your marriage. It would be even better if he would fully get on board and do his part. However, if that is not your reality right now, don’t give up. Nothing says that you can’t try to save your marriage without having a deep discussion about it. There is plenty that you can do by yourself for now. Conversations will be easier once things improve.

Change Those Things You Can Control: Sometimes, when I encourage wives of reluctant husbands to work on saving their marriage themselves, I get a blank stare. Doesn’t it take two people to save a marriage? Yes and no. Of course, it would be ideal if both people would participate. But, in the beginning, this isn’t always possible. When there is only one person committed to saving the marriage, then that person can get to work. Right now.

How do you do this? You identify your biggest issues and you ask yourself if there is anything that you alone can do to make that better. For example, in my own marriage, some of our biggest issues were our lack of intimacy (we’d just gotten into a rut,) my own struggles, and some stressful outside issues that were no one’s fault.

Obviously, I had direct control over my own struggles. I was in a very high-stress job at the time and I was not handling this well. As a result, I would come home exhausted and on-edge. My husband would try to help, but I would lash out at everyone. In truth, it was not my husband’s responsibility to alleviate my stress and to make me more happy with life. This was something that I alone had to do. And so I did. I worked very hard on myself and this greatly helped our chances for reconciliation.

I could not change our stressful issues. But I could change my approach toward them and my reaction to them. I could become more of a support system for my husband. This shift was also very helpful.

In terms of our intimacy, my husband was not initially invested in saving our marriage. In fact, we separated. So, I was limited. However, I tried very hard to be open, accommodating, and supportive every time we interacted with one another. I admit that I wasn’t always successful because sometimes I would pressure my husband (a habit I learned to break.) But my goal was for my husband to be comfortable enough around me that we could eventually build upon this and, very slowly and gradually, rebuild the intimacy. Of course, we were only completely successful once he got onboard. But, I like to believe that my open stance led the way. (And we reconciled and are still married. If it helps, that story is here: http://isavedmymarriage.com)

I hope this article has shown that even if your husband isn’t falling over himself to save your marriage (and won’t even look at you or talk about it) neither means that you are stuck. There is plenty that you can do in the meantime. Identify your biggest problems and then control what you can.

As your situation improves, I suspect your husband will be much more likely to both look at you and to help you save your marriage. Sometimes, he just needs to see what is possible to become open to change. Good luck!

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