Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who worry that it is all their fault when their spouse has new doubts about coming home after a trial separation. Usually, the fact that their spouse was even considering coming home was a hard fought battle. And when something changes this, it can feel like you may never get the same chance again.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband left me about seven months ago for a trial separation. Our marriage had deteriorated to the point where we just fought all of the time. And this went beyond just mere disagreements. Our fights had taken on a rather nasty tone where we were insulting one another constantly.  The tension in the house had gotten too high to be healthy for either one of us. So if I’m being honest, I have to say that it was a little bit of a relief when he moved out. But about a week later, I realized how much I missed him and how much of a mistake allowing him to leave might have been. I started asking him to come back home about two months into the separation and he would never give me a straight answer. As the months passed, I became more and more desperate to get him home. I tried everything but he would never say for sure that he was going to return. The last couple of weeks have been much better. We have gone out together several times and things have gone well. But then the other night, our arguing ways started to resurface. I immediately panicked and told my husband that we just couldn’t return to fighting and that if we had any hope of him coming home and making our marriage work then we had better learn new ways to relate to each other. Then my husband snapped and admitted that he had been considering moving back home but now that he saw that there was still so much conflict, he felt that it was best that he just stay where he was. The reality of this hit me this morning. After seven long months, he was finally thinking about coming home and now I opened my big mouth. What if he never gets back to the point where he wants to come home? What can I do?”

This wife was very quick to blame herself but I didn’t think that her speaking up was all that terrible. The fighting was a legitimate concern. And if this couple didn’t do anything to learn how to communicate more positively and constructively, then there was every reason to believe that the fights would continue once he returned home. And if that happened, then the couple would be right back to where they started. So it was very important that the couple use this separation as a time to make some progress on the one issue was which dividing them. I felt strongly that there was a way for the wife to stress this while still trying to undo the damage that had already been done. I will discuss that now.

Undoing What’s Been Done And Setting The Stage For The Future: I would suggest giving things a couple of days to calm down. And then at that time, the wife could give the husband a call and say something like: “I’m really sorry about the way that things went the other night. I felt like we were really starting to make some progress and I’m hoping that we haven’t gone backward. I think it’s pretty clear that what I want is for you to come home so that we can save our marriage. But at the same time, I want for our marriage to be a happy, healthy and lasting one. And I’m afraid that we can’t do that if we still have the same issues. So while my greatest wish is that you come home immediately and today, I also think that we should agree to work on the way that we approach our problems. Can we set a time frame so that both of us know what to expect? If we could agree on what’s going to happen moving forward, I think we could then turn our attention to learning new ways to communicate. Can we agree to give ourself say a month to work on this? And then if things are going well, you will come home? Believe me, I’d like for you to come home tomorrow, but I think we have a better chance for success if we know that things will work well once you get home. Will you agree to this?”

I know that many people in this situation would be tempted to just urge him to come home no matter what and I completely understand this. During my own separation, there were times when I was sure that I could not live without my husband for even one more day. So I completely get wanting to just get him home already. If this is the route that you decide to take, then at least vow to work on your conflict resolution right after he returns home. Because it would be quite heartbreaking to get him home only to have him leave again once the fighting resumed.

So to answer the concern posed, I didn’t think the wife ruined everything by speaking up. Someone needed to address the reoccurring issue. And in the long run, her bravery could  actually help her marriage.

There were several times when my husband indicated that he had been considering coming home.  And every time this didn’t happen immediately, I blamed myself and I thought I had been doing something terribly wrong.  Looking back now, I’m glad he was a bit delayed.  Because this gave me a chance to learn new skills that I am absolutely convinced transformed my marriage.  If he had come home before this, we may not have made it.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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