Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Often, there’s a period of time in your marriage where you know that a separation could be just around the corner. During this time period, you and your husband can kind of circle one another. Both parties can feel that one of them is going to make the move to leave. The question is WHO it is going to be. It’s very common for there to be an agreement that while changes need to be made, no one is willing to be the one to initiate that change. One of the biggest examples of this is who is going to move out. Often, no one wants to move because both people are comfortable in the home. Sometimes, one spouse suspects the other of trying to nudge or influence them into moving out.

For example, someone might say, “My husband wants me out of the house.  I honestly think that he is going out of his way to be rude in the hopes that he can get me to move out. We have agreed that we might need to take a break from each other. At least in theory. Our marriage has been struggling lately and it’s just not much fun living together because we fight and there is a lot of tension in the house. So I do agree that something needs to be done. However, I have no intention whatsoever of moving out of my home. I love it here. And I know that my husband does also. I’m sure that he feels the same way that I do – that he doesn’t want to get a new place that he won’t like as much as his home. I think that’s why he’s been so rude to me lately. My husband is not a mean-spirited person. He’s generally kind and laid back. But lately, he says sarcastic things under his breath. He invites friends home that he knows I can’t stand and then makes sure that they are loud and annoying. He doesn’t want to spend any real time with me when we are home together. This is all new behavior, so I suspect that he’s acting this way on purpose in the hopes that I will pack my bags and leave. I worry that he’s going to try to make my life miserable, but I don’t want to leave. He was renting our house when I met him. However, when we got married, we bought the house together. So I can see how he thinks that this was his house for longer than it was mine, but I have been making joint payments on it for years. More than that, though, it’s my home. I also do not want to walk out on my marriage. I’d like to save my marriage, but I’m not sure that it’s possible with the way that he is acting.”

If You Haven’t, Offer Alternatives To Anyone Moving Out. Because Leaving The House Changes Things: This concern is understandable. Many married people don’t want to leave their home for legal reasons, but I’m certainly not an expert in that. I think it’s possible that you’re seeing a change in your spouse’s behavior because he’s frustrated about what is happening. My own husband was pretty darn rude before our separation, but he eventually moved out himself. That time period was very difficult and, frankly, I think that our eventual reconciliation would have been easier if we had remained living together (while giving one another space.) My husband was not agreeable to this, but yours might be – since it appears that no one here is motivated to move out. From a relationship standpoint, I think it is in a wife’s best interest to stay put if at all possible. I know that in some cases, this is not feasible as the situation has become toxic or even dangerous, but that does not seem to be the case here. It simply sounds as if you and your husband are not clicking in the way that you used to, so your husband is starting to think that it would make the most sense to live apart.

If you haven’t yet tried giving your husband space while the two of you still live together, or you haven’t tried counseling, then try these things first. In my own observations, once someone moves out, it’s a bit more difficult to reconcile simply because you no longer have the proximity to one another. Your spouse can avoid you if he wants and then you’re left to make unfortunate and worrisome assumptions, which can only increase the distance and awkwardness between you. That’s not to say that you can’t reconcile after living apart. I did it, but I believe that it was made more difficult by the living arrangements.

Don’t Allow Him To Bait You. Don’t Give Him A Pay Off For Trying To Force You Out: I think that it’s important to be clear on the fact that it is within your control how you react to his behavior. If he’s really annoying you, then maybe go over to a friend’s house for a while, go to dinner with a family member, or even catch up on work in another room. The bottom line is to not play into his behavior or to give him a payoff so that he will keep doing it. If he gets no real reaction out of you, he may just stop. I once had a therapist tell me that the first step she tries when stopping unwanted behavior is to ignore that behavior.  Because people are almost always looking for a payoff.  When they don’t get it, their motivation is lost. This method doesn’t always work, but it costs you nothing to try. Sometimes, people give up when their behavior does not have the desired effect.

Consider A Blunt, Preemptive Conversation: If the behavior still doesn’t stop, you could try addressing your husband directly. You might try: “I can’t help but notice that your behavior toward me has changed. I could be wrong – and correct me if I am – but I get the impression that you’re trying to inspire me to move out. Maybe I can clear the air and tell you that I have no intention of doing that. In fact, I’d prefer it if we could work things out, but it’s obvious that perhaps a break is needed right now. If that’s the case, why don’t we just try to give one another space for a little while? We can both still live here, while not sharing the space so directly. I’ll try to stay out of your hair for a little while if that’s what you want so that you don’t have to keep up with the behavior, which isn’t really like you. That way, neither of us has to be disrespectful or rude to one another and perhaps space will allow things to calm down. I understand that things aren’t great, but we haven’t even tried to work it out. There are many things that could be tried before we make the very drastic and life-altering decision to break up our marriage. And I definitely don’t believe that just throwing up our hands and one of us packing our bags is the right solution. That sounds very premature to me. Why don’t we brainstorm some things to try first?”

Then hear him out. He may tell you that he’s only frustrated and this conversation might help to open the lines of communication. Either way, I feel that when possible, it’s easier to reconcile when you’re in some contact or close proximity to your spouse. Having one person move out of the house runs counter to this, so I think its best to avoid that if you can, so long as living together remains tolerable and healthy.

As I said, my husband and I lived in different places while separated and I firmly believe that this is part of the reason that reconciliation took a while.  Of course, my behavior didn’t help matters either, but I eventually realized that what I was doing wasn’t working so I changed my strategy and then had success.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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