Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are extremely discouraged that their husband has abruptly announced that he wants a separation and isn’t willing to have an adult discussion about it. It can seem to the wife that no matter what she does or says, his mind is made up and the outcome is going to be the same.

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who says: “last weekend after we put our kids to bed, my husband told me that he wanted a separation. Before I could even ask him why or ask him about his timing, he told me that he had already found an apartment and that his lease began the next calendar month. Which meant that he would be moving out in two weeks. Needless to say, this all seemed so sudden to me. I want to talk about this. I want to know if there is anything that I could do to change his mind or if we could negotiate the terms of this. But when I try to talk to my husband about this, he says that it is not up for debate. He says that his mind is made up. I asked him how he could come to such a serious decision so quickly and without even discussing it with me. I told him that he needed to think about what this was going to do to our children. We need to set some guidelines before he just abruptly leaves. We both need to agree about what is going to happen and when. But my husband says that I’m making this process much more difficult than it needs to be. He says that he’s not willing to discuss this because he’s made up his mind and I’m not going to change it. Essentially, it’s as if he’s telling me that I have no say about this. He gets to simply move out and I have no choice but to watch him go. How is this right? And what is my option when he says that there will be no discussion about this? He won’t even give me specifics.”

I’m not an attorney, so I certainly can’t answer this question from a legal stand point. But I have been in this situation and I know how desperate and helpless it feels. I know that you want to come up with something to do or say in order to get his attention. I know because I’ve been in this place. I understand thinking that if you just keep talking – even as he’s telling you that there will be no debate – you will eventually get through to him. And even if he agrees to negotiate reluctantly, at least he would have agreed to it. I understand that this is your goal and you think that trying to engage him in a debate is the only way to get through to him. But, from my own situation and from the folks that I hear from on my blog, I have to tell you that this rarely becomes the reality.

Pay Attention To What Is Not Working: Often, when you’ve tried coming at him over and over again and he’s resisted, then continuing to come at him in the same way is either only going to continue to fail or it’s going to frustrate him even further. The great irony of this whole thing is that the more you push, the less likely you are to get what you want. You think that if you keep on, you will eventually chisel away at his resistance. But often, the opposite his true. He will become even more determined to not hear a word you say. He’s even more steadfast in wanting to get away from you.

I know that this isn’t very hopeful. But it is realistic and it doesn’t mean that there is nothing that you can’t try. It’s my experience that when what you have been trying hasn’t worked, then it makes sense to come at him in a new way. Even if you still want to negotiate, perhaps you back off on the non working tactic for at least a little bit.

Instead, consider how things might change if you could make him to believe that you at least partially accept his decision and it isn’t your intention to change his mind. Perhaps you’d just like more information so that you can prepare the kids. You might try asking him how often he expects to see them and if the two of you can work it out so that you will regularly communicate and see one another.

Making Concessions Today So That You Have Another Chance Tomorrow: What you’re doing is setting up a more positive tomorrow, even if you have to concede, at least for now and in the short term, that the situation isn’t ripe for negotiation right now – as of today. As you back up a little bit and as things calm down, you might ultimately see if you can convince him to just stay at a hotel temporarily rather than leasing a place that requires a long term commitment. Of course you’ll want to try to delay or prevent him actually leaving if you can. But if he continues to be strongly resistant, sometimes the best course of action is to appear to accept it while you are trying to navigate the terms of it (looking at the long term) as best as you can.

When a husband is as determined as this one, you’ll often have to do your negotiating in non obvious ways. And frankly, this can be more effective because his guard isn’t up. By no means am I telling you to give up and to just let him go. But I am suggesting (again from my own experience) that when a grown man wants to go and tells you that he won’t discuss it any further, then often continuing to talk doesn’t work. So it makes sense to try something different. And that sometimes means backing up momentarily so that you can gain ground a little later. When you are no longer resistant, he’s no longer as defensive, which will often allow you to make more progress.

I had to use this own approach in my own marriage.  My husband was determined to leave.  And I wasn’t going to stop him.  But by backing off, he became more receptive to me.  And this is when I was able to make the most difference. If it helps, you’re welcome to read about how I shifted my strategy on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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