Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who never really pictured themselves separated. Sometimes, a life change has forced a separation from their spouse. However, despite this, they had always assumed that once the challenged passed, the separation would be over and their spouse would eventually come home as he was able to. When this doesn’t turn out to be the case, and they hear their spouse telling them that perhaps he isn’t going to come home, it can be a real challenge to process this and to determine your next steps.

An example of this type of scenario is something like: “my husband and I had been struggling both financially and with our marriage. He was unemployed and my job was the only thing that was keeping us going. He’d been offered local jobs that were way beneath him, and I knew it would crush his spirit to have to take them. So when he got a job offer outside of our state, I encouraged him to take it, even though I knew that I couldn’t move with him immediately. I figured that it would only be a temporary thing until we got back on our feet financially. Then, I figured I’d move out there or he would move back there. Plus we both agreed that maybe it would give us some perspective on our marriage and we hoped that we’d miss one another and then want to work through our problems. Well, it turns out my husband loves his job and the new state where he lives. He has come home only once. And when he was home, he told me that he didn’t think that he was going to ever come back. I asked him what this meant for our marriage and he said that it probably means that we are going to end our marriage. And when he came home, some of the old issues came back up, but this didn’t alarm me in the way that it alarmed him. I just don’t know how to process this. I encouraged him to go because I wanted to be a supportive wife and because I didn’t want him to have to take a dead end job just to support me. At this point, I’m not sure what I want to do. I love my husband. But I don’t want to lose him. At the same time, I don’t even know if he wants me anymore. What should I do?”

This is a difficult situation and a tough decision. And it was not a decision that anyone else could make but her. However, with all of this said, I could offer some insights and some encouragement and I will share those now.

Don’t Spend A Lot Of Time Worrying About “What If:” It’s very hard to second guess what might have happened with the marriage if the husband had never made the perceived temporary move. But, right now, reality had to be dealt with so playing the “what if” game really did no good.

It was obvious that the wife was extremely concerned about the husband’s claims that the chances were good that he wouldn’t come back. It would be easy to panic here, but I’d encourage the wife not to. Things can and do change. I felt that what was most important was for them to maintain frequent and meaningful contact. This might mean that the wife might have to do some traveling in order to make this possible.

It’s also important that you open up the communication. There’s a real risk in one or both of you just shutting down. When this happens, more and more time could pass between conversations until you find that when you do talk, it’s awkward and painful. This is a dangerous path to be on when you are separated, but want to save your marriage. So, I think that it is vital to talk about this as candidly as you possibly can.

To that end, I would suggest a response like: “well, I’ve taken some time to process what you’ve told me. We’re in a difficult situation. Our marriage needs attention, but the job prospects for you aren’t promising here. These are tough things to deal with, but I don’t think that either thing needs to mean that our marriage is over. I understand that you aren’t ready to come home right now. I have supported you from the beginning and I will continue to do that. This all might mean that we incur more expenses to visit one another while we wait and see what happens, but I am more than willing to do that. Our marriage is more important to me than the miles. We can’t predict what is going to happen with our job situations. And that’s why I think that we shouldn’t make any drastic or lasting decisions right now. We’re under a great deal of stress and that is when people tend to make bad decisions. So why don’t we hold off on making any firm decisions about the important things? For right now, let’s commit to working on our marriage. That is the one thing that we can control. And if we improve our relationship, then negotiating the distance and the jobs is going to be much easier. Improving our relationship can only benefit us in the days to come. Can we agree on that?”

I really felt for this wife because this couple is in a tough spot. Neither of them could help the fact that the husband needed to find work somewhere else. They didn’t have complete control over that, but they could control trying to make improvements to their relationship, so I felt that this was the most important place to start to point their priorities.

I also believe that sometimes, the distance can work for you.   Sometimes, the couples begin to miss one another so much that the huge problems suddenly don’t seem so insurmountable any more.  But if you panic and add to the stress, you make this process less likely to happen.  That’s why I’d suggest just taking things day by day and trying to remain positive.  This is what I had to do with my own separation.  It was difficult but it worked out in the end.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin