Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It can be extremely confusing and upsetting when you have a spouse who you know loves you and who admits as much, but who at the same time is telling you that he needs space or that he wants a separation from you. Some spouses want to try “having space” before they pursue a separation.  And sometimes, this pause is all it takes to eventually put things right again.  Other times, they either want the space while separating or they try taking the space during an actual trial separation.  However they do this, though, many are insisting that they still love you the entire time.

Needless to say, many wives are overwhelmed and extremely confused by the conflicting information that they are receiving.  They wonder how a husband can still very obviously love his wife, but still want space from her, or worse, to separate from her.  She might explain: ” I am still reeling from my husband sitting me down and telling me that we ‘need a break.’  I know that our marriage wasn’t great.  I knew that my husband was unhappy and losing patience.  But I never expected for him to actually want completely separate space from me.  He says that right now, he just wants the flexibility to go out with his friends, to live more independently, and to move into the spare bedroom.  But when I pressed him for more information, he admitted that this might one day morph into a real trial separation depending on ‘how it goes,’ as he put it.  When he told me this, I started to cry and said that he doesn’t love me.  He immediately insisted that he does love me.  He says that I know that he loves me very much, but that he just needs to do this for himself.  If I’m being honest, I do know that he loves me.  He always does things to show me how much and I see the love when he looks at me.  But, if you love someone, why would you need some space from them?”

Sometimes, A Self-Crisis Predates A Request For Space, Which Has Nothing To Do With Love: I will try to explain this as best as I can.  I admit that I am not very objective because I went through this myself when my husband sought “space” from me. But I can tell you what he told me and what is echoed by some of the people I hear from.  The whole “it’s not you, it’s me” sentiment is true in this case.  These husbands are often going through a challenging time in their lives.  And that can be hard for wives to understand because there may not be any catastrophic event that is evident.

For the record, women and wives go through this, too.  I actually got some wonderful insight on this one night when I was having dinner with a good friend.  Her last child was leaving for college and frankly, it had caused a sort of identity crisis in her.  She was clearly struggling.  I tried to cheer her up by telling her that now she and her husband could have “their time,” with no children to monopolize them.  She then told me she was almost considering taking space from her marriage, not because she didn’t love her husband, but because she needed to find herself and listen to her own voice.  I actually understood this perfectly and a light bulb clicked on for me.  Because that is exactly the type of thing that you hear from men and husbands.

The thing is, they DO still love their wives.  But wives often think that they are just claiming love to soften the blow, when perhaps this isn’t true.  I can tell you that I believe that many of them are telling you the truth.  The love is still there, but something inside of them is changing or struggling and they want some objectivity to try to work that out.  They think that their “space” will help with this objectivity.

How To Handle It:  Boy, do I know that it is tempting to try and talk him out of taking this space.  But you might find that the more that you try to talk him out of it, the more he wants it.  I fully know how hard it is to be calm at a time like this.  But frankly, that is usually the best thing to do. It is best if you can make progress at home so that he never does actually move out.  (Because often, once he does, things become a little more challenging)  Try to be aware of giving him more independence and alone time, while allowing him to come to you.

In the meantime, do your own self-exploration and self-work.  I know that this extra time doesn’t seem like much of a luxury right now, but I can not stress enough how much two healthy, well-adjusted adults are needed to make one healthy marriage.  Anything that you can do to improve yourself, your relationship skills, or even to just soothe your mental health during this challenging time is worth doing. Make self-care a top priority.  You deserve it.

I can tell you that very often, when a wife takes her own inventory and shows her husband that she respects herself enough to care for her own needs and wishes during this time, he will respect her more and sometimes initiate more contact.  This is better than the wife being the one who is clingy while she feels her husband slipping further and further away.

Back to the original point though, it is my belief and experience, that yes, a husband can still love his wife very much while still seeking space.  But, considering his struggles or stressors at the time, he feels that love just doesn’t seem to be quite enough in those circumstances.  This doesn’t mean that once he has his space and gains some perspective (and you work through some things,) that it will not one day be enough.

I knew deep down that my husband loved me, even as he separated from me.  But he was also clear on the fact that his love for me was not completely making him happy.  So we had to work through some issues and reestablish our marriage before we could even think of reconciling.  There were times when I was sure that we wouldn’t make it (or that he didn’t want for us to make it.)  But in the end, I backed off some, and, as a result, we made it through.  You can read more about our reconciliation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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