My Husband Ran Away When Things Got Tough
By: Leslie Cane: When you walk down the aisle and say “I do” to your spouse, you are likely anticipating the good days ahead of you. It is just human nature to focus on future pleasure and to minimize the possibility of future pain. So for those of us are said the “for richer and poorer” or the “in sickness and in health” vows, most of us were focused on the hope that, for the most part, we’d be experiencing our marriage in health and in richness rather than in poverty and illness. In short, very few of us want to envision hard times on our wedding day. Most of us want to believe that it is going to be a life of happiness, health, and prosperity ahead.
But then real life sets in. I know very few married couples that do not have to deal with hardship at some point during their marriage. There will almost always be some money issues or health scares or even marital issues. There will be life changes like job loss, career change, and the shifting of values or life goals. These things can be hard enough to navigate when you are single, but they are especially tricky to coordinate when there are two people to think about. Ideally, these challenges will bond the couple and their marriage will be stronger as a result. But this is not what always happens. Sometimes, one or both spouses struggle when tough times hit. And worse, there are times when one spouse jumps ship at the first sign of trouble rather than sticking it out.
Here’s an example. A wife might say: “I am so disappointed in my husband. He was so in love with me when things were great. He adored me when we were living in a beautiful home and I was making great money so that he had the luxury of having the job that he wanted. Things were wonderful and we felt secure enough to try to have children. We tried for a long time, but found that we needed help. So we have been consulting fertility specialists. None of this is cheap, but at that time, we had the means to do this. Still, not being able to easily conceive put a strain on our marriage. That was probably the first chink in the armour. However, after we had unsuccessfully spent huge amounts of money on fertility and still were not pregnant, I lost my job. I really thought that this would only be a temporary set back. I dutifully tried for another job, but had trouble finding one. All of the jobs that were being offered barely allowed my husband and myself to live above poverty. So it soon became apparent that the only way for me to make a reasonable salary was to return to school, as I never finished my degree. This means that my husband and myself have to live in campus housing. I know that this isn’t ideal, but sometimes, we do what we have to do. Once I have my degree, we will be in a much better position. Unfortunately, my husband did not give me that chance. He told me that he didn’t want to live in a glorified dorm and he wasn’t sure that he wanted to remain married, either. He’s basically left me all alone with the fertility treatments and a new life. I think that says something horrible about his character – that he would up and leave at the first sign of trouble. I would not ever do this to him. I also found out that I am diabetic. It’s not life threatening, but a little support sure would have been nice. My husband insists that he doesn’t know if this separation is going to be permanent. But I’m not sure how I will even respond to him if and when he comes crawling back. He loved me when I was successful and he doesn’t when I’m not. What kind of spouse does this?”
Not Everyone Is Great In A Crisis And Your Spouse Might Regret His Behavior Later: I completely understand your pain. You feel abandoned at the time when you need your spouse’s support the most. And it hurts to stand on your own when you feel so vulnerable. That said, this kind of fleeing isn’t completely uncommon. Some people are very good and very supportive in a crisis. Others are not. Some people become so overwhelmed that they feel that they are doing more harm than good. And so they back away. Sometimes, they end up regretting the abandonment and they come back and beg for forgiveness.
Juggling A Very Challenging Situation By Prioritizing Yourself: Unfortunately, a lot happened in your life all at once. It is a lot to take in. It’s not just a job loss or the medical issues of conceiving / diabetes or moving along with a huge lifestyle change. It is all of these things combined into one all at once. The combination would be a lot to take in for almost anyone. Of course, we all want the spouse who is going to take it all like a champion, have our backs, and be more concerned about our well being than his own. And you may get that – eventually. But right now it sounds as if you have a husband who is overwhelmed. And you have to decide how to deal with both him and with your own situation.
I would find someone – a family member or friend – who is good in crisis and lean and those who love you. Frankly, you need to take care of your own physical and mental well being first. Your husband is not the one with a medical issue. He will hopefully come around. But until then, you must take care of yourself. If you are still invested in your marriage, there is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping the lines of communication open. There’s no reason to put off college or bettering yourself – career wise. Your career needs attention regardless of what happens with your marriage. Hopefully, your husband will come around and when he does, you will be making strides in other areas of your life. If he does not come around, there is nothing wrong with seeking counseling – either for yourself or as a couple. It’s perfectly understandable to need some help in dealing with all the things that have dropped into your lap.
In the meantime, keep right on putting one foot in front of the other. Deal with one thing at one time. The dust will eventually settle and your husband may come around. But if not, you will know that you handled this in a way that you can be proud of. My husband’s actions when we first separated were nothing to write home about. He was very uncaring. I changed my attitude toward him and his behavior completely changed. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
