Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives feel as if their husband is lacking in maturity, especially when he starts expressing concerns about the responsibilities of being married. One of these wives could have this type of situation: “my husband left me and moved out last weekend. I kept asking him why he would do that to me and he finally admitted that he ‘just didn’t want the responsibility of being married.’ We have only been married for a couple of months. I asked him what specifically was the problem. And he said that he just always felt like he was responsible for me. He said that he didn’t like that every decision from his job to his lifestyle are now decisions that he can’t make only for himself without considering me first. I think this is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. I mean, I have to think about him also when I make decisions about my life because we are a team. And I am perfectly fine with that. Some of our mutual friends say that this is just a phase he is going through. They say that they know that he loves me and he will eventually change his mind. Will he?”

I couldn’t tell this wife if her husband was going to change his mind. But I could tell her that this is a common issue, especially early in marriage or when the issue of children or security come up. And quite frankly, most wives react by trying to pull him in even tighter, but this is honestly the worst thing that you can do. Here’s why.

When He’s Already Scared By The Responsibility, Trying To Pull Him Closer Makes Him Feel More Trapped: It is just human nature to grab for something that we feel slipping away. When someone we love begins to pull away from us, then we want to hold on more tightly because we fear them leaving us. And this is normal and it’s also certainly understandable. But you need to know that clinging this way will bring about risk. Because when he feels you cling, that panic about responsibility will be even more pronounced and he may want to leave that much more. So, as much as it is natural for you to want to hold on more tightly, if you are hoping he changes his mind (or even comes back home if he’s already left,) then I believe that there’s a better strategy.

Give Him Enough Freedom To Alleviate His Claustrophobia And Allow Him The Room To Miss You: I know that this is probably a scary proposition right now, but sometimes the best thing that you can do is to appear to be his ally. If you can, try to give him more space at home so that he doesn’t need to move out. Offer to give him some room and distance. If you absolutely have to, offer to stay with friends for a little while to give him the time he needs. I know this doesn’t sound all that great, but it is often a much better choice than clinging so tightly that he pulls even further away from you. If you give him space so that he has no reason to leave, then often his feelings of claustrophobia will wane and the issue will sometimes resolve itself (or will at least be fixable.)

Examine Your Marriage For Any Possible Contributing Factors: I’m not saying that you are smothering your husband at all. Please don’t take it this way. But it can help to see if there is any reason why he might be overwhelmed. Some men feel overwhelmed regardless of how laid back their wife is or how healthy their marriage. But ask yourself if he has any legitimate reason to feel the way that he does.

Is it possible that he doesn’t have enough time with his own friends? It is possible that he feels solely responsible for your household finances? Or that he handles all of the household responsibilities? The reason that I ask this is that if any of these things are possible contributing factors to him wanting to leave, then these things should also be an easy fix. You could stress that you will share financial responsibility. You could take over some of the household chores. Or you could give him a little more freedom. Of course, this is only if these things are applicable. Some husbands feel overwhelmed regardless of how evenly things are split.

So to answer the question posed, although I can’t predict if this husband will change his mind, I do suspect that the wife could make this more likely by giving him some space and trying to evaluate to see if there were any improvements or adjustments that could be made in their marriage or their lifestyle. Because even if she were justified in arguing with him, a man who already feels overwhelmed isn’t likely to listen to reason.

I know this because I tried in vain to convince my husband that he was wrong before he moved out.  Frankly, this only meant he couldn’t get away fast enough.  I have a lot of ground to gain before I could save my marriage.  But I stumbled upon some strategies that worked.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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