My Husband Left But Is Confused. Should I Give Him An Ultimatum?
By: Leslie Cane: During a marital separation in which one spouse has left the other, it’s very normal to check for any signs of confusion or hesitation. After all, who doesn’t want to believe that their spouse was never really sure about the separation or about leaving? Of course you want to believe that he has doubts and might come back one day. But what happens if he admits that he’s confused and still is dragging his feet about coming back? What should you do then?
I might hear a comment like: “my husband left me for reasons that he has never really explained. He will generally say that he isn’t really happy. But he doesn’t give any specifics about what has made him unhappy. He basically left me a note saying that he felt he needed time on his own for a while and asked for me to be patient. We have gone out together several times since he has left. For the most part, things are pretty good between us. But every time I ask my husband to come back home, he reminds me that he asked me to have patience. I get that he needed time. But he is crazy if he thinks that I am just going to wait for him endlessly. He says that he is confused about his feelings. He says that he knows that he loves me. But he isn’t one hundred percent sure that he wants to remain married to me. Well, I am not going to grow old and gray waiting for him to decide. I am seriously considering giving him an ultimatum. I feel like telling him that if he doesn’t come home by the end of the month, he may as well not even come home. I am afraid to do this though because the last thing that I want to happen is for him to call me on my bluff and then I’m stuck without a husband. I love him. But I am very hurt that he is doubting his commitment to me. What should I do?”
I know from experience that the hardest thing in the world is to continue to give a separated husband space when you want nothing more than for him to come home as soon as possible. I know. Because I have been in this situation. I also understand why you want to hurry things along. But I must tell you that you are absolutely right in your perceptions that there is risk here.
It is not unheard of for husbands given this type of ultimatum to not only not return home, but to file for divorce. I won’t tell you that separated husbands don’t occasionally give into such ultimatums. But those that do aren’t very happy about it. And this can lead to resentment that could rear it’s ugly head down the road and harm or derail your reconciliation.
From my own experience, I believe that the best strategy here is to continue to give him the space he’s asked for. HOWEVER, by no means do I feel that you need to put your life on hold while you are doing this. You can still enjoy your husband’s company when you are together. But since you have additional time on your hands, you can keep yourself busy with things that you like to do. I know that this is sometimes a huge challenge. I had to literally force myself to keep busy when I was separated. But nothing attracted my husband back to me more effectively.
I know that having patience can be difficult and can even seem like a risk. But in my view and experience, an ultimatum is a much bigger risk that can lead you to add anger to a situation that is already difficult. Why would you want to risk that when things are going well between you? By having patience, you are slowly building upon the success that you have already had and you are going to make it more likely that your husband is willing to go along with the process instead of starting to pull away.
Sure, you can flirt with him and try to see even more of him so that he just naturally wants to come back a little earlier. But you certainly don’t want to threaten or attempt to manipulate him. Very few people enjoy being treated this way, especially with a marriage that has already caused a bit of confusion. I know that continuing to wait might be the last thing that you want to do. But honestly, as long as you are waiting while he is receptive to you, then you are still in the game. You still have a chance to reconcile and get him home.
If you give him an ultimatum and he rejects it, then you’ve put yourself in situation where you are potentially no longer still in the game. And still having a chance is always half the battle. If it helps, you can read more about how I handled this situation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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