Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s very normal to want a quick resolution after your spouse leaves you or pursues a separation. I know first hand that it feels as if your world has been turned upside down. Nothing feels routine anymore and you can’t focus on any task at hand because your marriage and trying to resolve it takes up all of your thoughts. So of course, you’re going to want to do whatever you can to move along a resolution as quickly as possible. Talking to your spouse is a good start. But many of us want to see him face to face. Many of us want to look him in the eye and attempt to gauge why he has done this. And we hope that by seeing him, we can tell what he might be feeling now. But what happens when he doesn’t want to see you?

I might hear from a wife who explains this situation this way: “I have known that for the past two months, my husband was probably going to leave me. He has the right to be furious with me. I almost cheated on him. But it was only one inappropriate encounter that didn’t lead to anything and it happened when I was under a huge amount of stress. My mother was sick so I went home to care for her for a little while. When I was there, I spent time with an old boyfriend. I didn’t intend to cheat but I was under so much strain with my mom. It only happened one time and I told my husband immediately. But he was understandably devastated and he has been very distant to me since then. He didn’t pretend that he was going to stay. He told me very frankly that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay married to me or if he wanted to save our marriage. That’s why I wasn’t totally surprised when I came home to find a note saying that he left me. And I even understand why he did it. But I don’t want for this to mean the end of our marriage. I’d like for us to at least keep in close touch during our separation. So I called my husband and I asked him out to lunch. He told me that he just isn’t ready to see me yet. And he wouldn’t or couldn’t clarify what he meant by that. So I’m not sure what to do now. It hurts me that he won’t even see me. I’m still his wife.”

I understand how much this must hurt. My own husband initiated a separation in my own marriage. And that time period (where I was living alone) was one of the most lonely that I can ever remember. With that said, in the beginning of the process, every time my husband would insist that he needed or wanted some time, I would push him. Because I felt rejected every time he said that. And I felt like every time he said this, I was losing him just a little bit more.

But I couldn’t help but notice that when I pushed, the relationship between us got more nonexistent. It took more effort on my part to even get him to take my calls, much less to see me. So, honestly because I didn’t feel that I had much of a choice in the matter, I conceded and gave my husband space. I didn’t want to do this. And because I knew that it was going to be such a challenge, I literally stayed hours away in order to force myself to back off. This was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But it also turned out to be one of the best things I’ve ever done. Because it lead the way to my husband not only being receptive to me again, but to eventually being the one to pursue me.

I can’t promise that the same will happen here. But I can say that if your spouse (who is undoubtably hurting right now) is asking for a little time, I would think about complying with this. He’s not saying that he never wants to see you again. He’s just saying that he is not quite ready yet. If you feel that you want to reach out, then maybe you send a card or text or keep in touch by phone. But I know in my own situation if I would have just shown up when my husband said he wasn’t ready for a face to face meeting, it likely would have only made things worse.

I can’t guess what will happen, But I think that if he’s asking for a bit of time, that’s a fair request considering the circumstances. I’d suggest considering complying and then continuing to reach out to him in other ways.

I don’t mean to sound insensitive because I know that this hurts.  But I also know that pushing too hard will often make things worse. And I know that backing off can sometimes make things better. You’re welcome to read more about how I handled this situation in my own life on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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