Leslie Cane Articles

By: Lesle Cane: I find it interesting that there is often a perception that differing personalities spice up a relationship early on, but hurt that same relationship once it has become a long-term marriage. In other words, it’s sexy when young opposites attract, but it’s a problem when those same people have been married for some time and now find themselves with absolutely nothing to talk about and a marriage that has become stale.

A wife might explain, “I have come to a troublesome conclusion. I have nothing in common with my husband anymore. Our children are older. We have more time to spend alone. But now we have nothing to talk about. We were never completely similar, but we were not complete opposites. And we wanted the same things out of life. I used to be more rebellious and free-spirited. But now that I am a parent, I have become more conservative. My husband has not. He is still a risk-taker who likes nothing more than to place his focus on fun and the present. I tend to place my focus on planning and the future. So it should be no surprise that my husband spends his weekends immersed in sports and friends while I spend mine on quiet pursuits like reading and crafts. I love to learn and always want to better myself while he’s content to just enjoy the present and not worry about the future. We also differ in how we relate to and parent our kids. He is extremely permissive, and I am more strict. He acts as if I am a kill-joy, stick-in-the-mud, and he often makes fun of my conservative decisions. Still, he is my husband. I love him. He’s a fun dad, and my kids adore him. But I’m very worried about our marriage, especially as my kids get ready to leave for college. I can foresee a future where we have an empty house and tons of free time, and we just sit there in silence since we have nothing in common. As it is, my husband spends most of his free time with his friends rather than with me. And when we try to spend together, it’s awkward and forced. As I try to brainstorm ways that I can save this marriage, I honestly don’t know where to begin because we are so different. How can you save your marriage when you don’t have anything in common anymore?”

I believe that you CAN save your marriage when you and your spouse have different personalities and interests because I have done it. I am a book worm, but my husband may only skim the sports section in the Sunday paper. I’m an extreme introvert while my husband is the life of the party. I am not having much difficulty quarantining because I am such a home-body, but my husband is suffering because he craves outside interaction. Still, we were able to save our marriage after a separation despite all of these things. I’ll offer some tips from what I learned from that experience below.

Know That Your Differences Can Enhance Your Life Together When You Are Both Invested In Intimacy And Commitment: I firmly believe that married couples do not need to be carbon copies of one another. I’ve come to see marital differences as assets. Sure, sometimes we enjoy different types of activities. But we both agree that our marriage, our family, and our relationship are the glue that keeps us together. Perhaps because our marriage was once at risk when we separated, we are now deeply committed to making it work. If you and your spouse can agree that your marriage and the closeness of your relationship is a shared a priority, then you are always going to have a joint place on which to place your focus.

Even If You Don’t Share The Same Passions, You Can Benefit From Taking An Interest In Your Spouse’s Passions And Vice Versa: I once told a therapist that I had no interest in sports. Her response was to ask me if I had any interest in my husband. “Of course I do,” I stammered. “Well,” she replied, “then it is in your best interest to develop a passing interest in sports.” I was a bit resentful because I assumed my husband wasn’t suddenly going to be passionate about classic literature on my behalf. But I was partially wrong. I realized that I couldn’t claim that I loved to learn new things when I was completely unwilling to try to learn what entranced him about sports. So I asked him to teach me the ins and outs of hockey. And I found that I enjoyed some aspects of it. Likewise, although he is never going to read the classic literature that I love, he is more than willing to watch movie adaptations of some of my favorites. (He has come to love the Tom Hardy version of Wuthering Heights.)

Know That If You Keep An Open Mind, You Can Easily Develop Joint Interests And Passions: If both parties are willing to try new things, it is very easy to forge new, joint interests. Our watching movie adaptations of the classics led to a joint curiosity about different periods in history. This, in turn, led to a new joint obsession – historical travel and documentaries. We now love to travel to historic sites and learn about the history, the people, and the culture. (And yes, we visit sporting events and author homes when we travel.) Because we do not have unlimited money or time off, we work together to prioritize our travel preferences and goals. This has deepened our knowledge of one another and our intimacy. We can also see how our differences are beneficial when we travel. I am so grateful for my husband’s extroversion when we are lost or are group traveling. And he is grateful that I can easily make-do when things do not go as planned, as all I need is a book to be entertained for hours.
We also love watching historical documentaries together to plan our next trip.

Once you and your husband open your minds to learning more about each other’s interests, you may very easily find places where they overlap so that you can find joint interests that you can easily pursue together. Pursue those things with enthusiasm, and before you know it, you may realize that you have a lot more in common than you thought.

Even If You Think That You Don’t Love Your Spouse’s Interests, You Love Him, And That Is A Start: In truth, you DO have joint interests – your lives together, your joint families, your home, and your marriage. This is fertile ground on which to start. And, because you love your spouse, you have a strong motivator to try to at least appreciate (if not attempt to share) his interests. When my small niece used to complain about classmates that were annoyingly different, I would always respond with, “how boring life would be if we were all alike.” And yet, for some reason, we expect this of our spouse. I have found that if you embrace your differences but always use your loving relationship to center you, then it’s not that you “have nothing in common,” it’s just that you have differences that, when used correctly, can enhance your lives and your marriage.

As I alluded to, our differences were a factor in our separation, but I have learned that, if I approach our differences correctly, they are really assets.  Although my husband and I do not appear to have much in common on the surface, we have cultivated a joint life together that we both make a priority. Cultivating this attitude wasn’t always easy, but it was worth it.  You can read more about our reconciliation and the lessons we learned at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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