Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are trying to take careful inventory of the circumstances surrounding their separation in order to determine the severity of it and the chances for reconciliation. So, the wife is typically looking at things like his attitude, the things he says, and what he behaviors (or lack of them) might say about the future of their marriage. One of the things that they will commonly notice is how much clothing, personal items, or important things that the husband takes with him when he moves out. If he doesn’t take many items with him, the wife can then hope that this means that he plans on returning relatively soon.

To demonstrate, I might hear a comment like: “my husband told me about four months ago that as soon school was out for the summer and the children and I went to my parents’ house for a visit, he intended to move out. He said that he felt we needed to explore a martial separation to see if we could improve our marriage. This frightened me horribly and my first reaction was that my husband was going to divorce me. I immediately asked him if this was the case and he said that he had no immediate plans to get a divorce, but that he wasn’t completely happy in our marriage either. As upset as this made me, I took the children to my parents’ right after school let out. While we were there, I tried to prepare my children that their father wouldn’t be home when we returned. Needless to say, they were beyond upset. However, once we returned home, I was a little encouraged because my husband barely took anything with him. Most of his clothes are still in his closet. And his beloved tennis rackets and golf clubs are still here. My husband plays sports several times a week and he will need these items. I felt good about this and I told my sister the same when we discussed this. My sister cautioned me not to get a false sense of security about this. She said that he may plan to buy things for his new home. Or, she said, who knows if he wasn’t going to swing by next weekend to collect more of this things? My husband is very cheap, so I can’t imagine that he would buy things that he already has, but I suppose that anything is possible. Is my sister right?”

Positive Indications: It was impossible for me to guess at the husband’s intentions, especially since it was so early in the separation.  The wife hadn’t had much of a chance to evaluate his behaviors. Of course, in some situations it can be a good sign when a husband doesn’t take many things with him. It can indicate that he doesn’t think that he will need many items because he intends to come back soon. Or, it can at least mean that he is comfortable coming home to grab things as he needs them. And, at the very least this likely means that you will have somewhat regular access to him, which can be an advantage that many people don’t consider.

Indications That May Not be So Positive: That said, there are other possibilities too that are not so favorable. It’s possible that he was perhaps rushed when he left and has every intention to come back for his things. Sometimes, people don’t intend for the separation to last very long, but then things deteriorate during the separation so that it is necessary to make the move more of a permanent one.

Try To Shape The Progress Of The Separation: You can’t really control how your husband sees his possessions or how much of them he brings with him (or comes back for.) But, what you can try to control is how well the separation goes. No, you can’t control his behaviors and actions. But you can most certainly control your own and this can make a huge bit of difference. If you can make an attempt to be approachable, upbeat, and patient, you will sometimes find that the separation goes a bit more smoothly which can contribute to it ending somewhat sooner.

My suggestion would be to be encouraged by the fact that he didn’t bring many items with him. Keeping a positive attitude is important and, until you get information that indicates that you were wrong, there is no harm in being optimistic. At the same time, you want to control what you can. You want to do whatever you can to make sure that you set it up so that the separation goes well and that your husband misses you and wants to come home. You can’t control every aspect of this, of course. But you can act in such a way that encourages it. Generally speaking, a wife who is upbeat, coping, and approachable is going to have a better chance of this going well than one who is fearful, argumentative, and clingy. I know that this is difficult and challenging. I know that it’s very easy to allow the fear to be your pervasive emotion. But you have a favorable set of circumstances that you are starting with, so there’s no reason not to expect and hope for the best.

Frankly, I would have loved to have discovered that my husband had not taken many items with him when he left.  This wasn’t my reality though.  But, I made the best of it and I controlled what I could.  We did eventually reconcile, but it took a while.  If it helps, you can read about how I turned things around on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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