Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s very hurtful to have the perception that your spouse does not care about your well beings or your feelings. When we take our wedding vows, we assume that we’re going to work very hard to ensure our husband’s happiness, and we expect that he is going to do the same.

When it appears that this isn’t happening, it can be both shocking and hurtful. A wife may wonder how to make him care more and then to take action. She might say: “for the last six months, I have noticed my marriage changing. I believe that my husband takes me for granted. He never goes out of his way to compliment me or make me feel special anymore. Sometimes, when I talk to him, I can not help but notice that he even isn’t listening. Sometimes, I will ask him a question about what I have just said and he can not answer because he clearly has not been paying attention. I admit that I’m cranky because I’ve had issues at my job. But this is exactly the type of thing where you’d hope that your husband notices you struggling and tries to help you.  I think that he is aware of my struggles, but he seems more annoyed that he has to deal with me than concerned about my well being. I’ve asked him to put in more effort, but he acts like I am asking him for the moon and stars. I finally broke down and told him that his coldness is making me more unhappy than I already am. His response was he is not sure what I expect him to do. He says he can’t fix my job for me and that I have unrealistic expectations about life. He says that everything is not always going to be perfect and I should stop expecting it to be. It’s not like I think that my life should not have problems. It is just that when it does, it would be nice to have a spouse who loves me enough to try to make it better. It makes me question my marriage.”

I understand your frustration. When you are very unhappy, sometimes it is the little things that can lift you up. And one of those little things could be a little kindness and love from your husband.

You’re not out of line for wanting this and I believe that you can get it, if you know how to ask. I believe that many times, in this situation, it goes wrong because your husband misunderstands what you need or what you are asking for.

Why Your Husband May Not Truly Understand What You Are Asking Of Him: As men, husbands sometimes misunderstand us. They believe that we are expecting them to solve our problems for us. We aren’t. We just want some love and understanding. We want to know that they are in this with us and that they sympathize.

The problem is that men are wired differently and we are much more likely to get this type of behavior from our girlfriends, mothers, and sisters than from our husbands. Many of them were not socialized to just offer support and listen without needing to fix anything. They were socialized to solve problems. When they feel that they can’t, they sometimes shut down. And when they do, it appears to us that they don’t care, when in fact, they are just frustrated that they can’t help us and are unsure of what to do.

Be Careful Of How You Are Asking For What You Want: Another potential problem is that sometimes, when we ask for more attention and support, he takes it as criticism. Even when you don’t mean it in this way, he might think that you are saying that you wish you had a different husband – one that is more loving and attentive. He hears that you are unhappy with him instead of your job and so again, he retreats.

One way to get around both of these problems is to first clarify your expectations for him and second to stress that it is not a criticism. You might phrase it this way: “honey, you’ve said that you can’t fix my job for me and I agree with that. I know that you can’t work miracles. But I want you to know that I don’t expect for you to. When I reach out to you about this, all I am really asking for is just your support. Knowing that I can come home after all of the work stress and have a hug and some sympathetic words waiting for me would make a bigger difference than I can possibly express. Sometimes, all I am really looking for is for you to support me. That’s all. And I’m not saying that you’re an awful husband. I’m just asking you to take a little extra time right now because I’m really stressed out.”

Know That This May Not Come Naturally To Him, But Appreciate His Clumsy Efforts: Once you put it this way, he may be reassured enough to try his best to support you. Keep in mind that men are different. His efforts may be clumsy and not exactly what you had in mind.

If my own husband was going through something like this, I’d make him a special dinner, encourage him to talk about it, listen without interruption, and then maybe give him a back rub and tell him that I love him. However, if the tables were turned, what I would probably get is him asking me if there’s anything that he can do while giving me a quick hug or kiss. In other words, my husband’s effort at this would be shorter and less elaborate than mine because we are just two different people. I’m female and more demonstrative and he is male and tries his best, but he’s never going to be like my girlfriends as far as knowing what I need in terms of emotional support.   I have learned to appreciate the effort more than the outcome.  Because it is normal for a man to not know how to reach every emotional button.

The point is that if he’s trying, but it’s not exactly what you had in mind, remind yourself that he is probably doing the best that he can. And that his idea of support may be different than yours.

Finally, sometimes, you have to do what you can to ensure your own happiness. Since every one is different, we are sometimes disappointed when we count on other people to make us happy. They can’t read our minds. So sometimes, they are just not going to be able to give us what we need. In these situations, we sometimes have to give it to ourselves and know that they have made the effort anyway.

I learned the hard way that it is very important to ask for what you need in the right way.  If you don’t ask, problems escalate and you become resentful.  But if you ask in the wrong way, not only do you not get it, but you could create more problems.  My lack of knowledge about this probably contributed to my painful separation. There’s more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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