Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who have no problem taking responsibility for their actions. They know that they have made a mistake. And they have sincerely apologized for it. But, they still feel as if their husband is gravely disappointed in them. They feel a huge sense of guilt because they feel as if they have let their husband, and their families, down. This effects their sense of self worth and it can very negatively affect their marriage.

An example of the type of comment that you might hear in this situation is something like: “I have always been addicted to shopping. And, for the most part, my husband didn’t make a big deal out of this, especially before we had children. Once we had children though, my husband sat me down and told me that I had to get control of my spending. He took all of my credit cards away and encouraged me to get a part time job. I did these things but then after a few months, I went behind my husband’s back and started spending again. I had the credit card bills sent to my work. I thought that I was on top of this because I would just pay the bills out of my work money without him knowing. And this worked until last month, when I lost my job. I could no longer pay the bills, but I still didn’t tell him right away. In fact, he didn’t know until a creditor called our home. Now he is furious with me. But he said that he was going to forgive me for he sake of our children. The problem is that I can’t forgive myself. I know that I have let him down. Losing my job wasn’t my fault. My whole division got laid off. But I still feel like I am a detriment to my family. I know that I have let my husband down. He says he forgives me and that he just wants to move on. But how can I when I know the damage that my actions have caused?”

Try To Be Grateful And See This As A New Beginning: I understand how the wife felt, but I also felt that she was looking at this in the wrong way. Rather than being extremely grateful for the second chance that she had been given and vowing to turn this around and be the hero in the situation, she was focusing on what was wrong.

I understand feeling guilty. After all, her actions were very negatively affecting her family and she had set this whole course of events into motion. But, it is impossible to turn back time. She had no ability to change what was done in the past. What she could control, however, was her actions now and in the future.

Yes, she had let down her family. But most of all, she had let down herself. But, it’s not impossible to move on and do better. Sure, it was probably going to be a challenge. But if hitting rock bottom makes today the day that she changes her life, truly stops her behavior, and causes her to become an asset to her family, then it would have been worth it.

Clear The  Air With A Plan: It seemed like there might have been some awkwardness between her husband and herself. She was very sorry, but she could only say this so many times without feeling rejected. It can help to top off your apologies with a workable plan so that your promises aren’t empty. The last things that you want to do is to have your husband need to repeat this process. Because at some point, he is going to lose his patience and he may no longer be able to forgive.

You might want to try something like: “I know that you have forgiven me and words can not express how grateful I am for this. I know that I have let you down. But I will not repeat this. I am going to seek out counseling and do some self work so that I can change my spending habits and my relationship with money. I don’t want to do anything to put our family in jeopardy. I want to be an asset for our family. I want to contribute and not take away. I know that you have heard all of this before. But this time, I am going beyond words and I am taking some action. I’m asking you to keep me accountable. If you notice anything that gives you pause or bothers you, please tell me. I really want real and lasting change. And I need your help.”

After you’ve spoken these words, you need to do exactly what you have said. There is no room for broken promises anymore. Imagine how you will feel if you let your husband down once again. You can’t change letting him down in the past, but you can make it so that it doesn’t happen again. And if you are able to do this, then you have turned a negative situation into a positive one, which is the best that you can do in a situation like this one.

As I alluded to, no matter what has happened in the past.  You can change your marital future.  I was able to do this in my own marriage.  It wasn’t easy.  But it was worth it.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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