Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: On our wedding day, most of us promised to love one another in sickness and in health. We promised to do this no matter how our financial circumstances looked. And we promised to keep this up for life. And yet, when our circumstances dictate that our spouse has to make good on these promises, we can feel guilty and worry that we are “a burden” to our spouse. Even worse, when these feelings linger for long enough, we can begin to worry that, because our spouse has to carry the burden of being married to us, he would be better off without the marriage. In response, we might retreat from our own marriage or push our own husband away.

A wife might explain, “I hate feeling this way, but I worry that I have become a burden to my husband. I know that none of this is either of our faults. But I got sick about eighteen months ago. My husband has been a rock star throughout this entire process. But things have been very difficult. I had to quit my job. I cannot socialize or travel as much as I used to. I know that there are things that my husband would like to do which he now cannot do because of our new normal. He has never once complained. But I feel horrible guilt. My health is slowly improving, but I still have a long way to go. So it is not like tomorrow is suddenly going to be wonderful again. We may have to live with these new circumstances for a while. The other day, my husband was laying on the couch, and I could not help but notice that he looked so tired and defeated. I know that I am bringing him down. He would never say it, but sometimes I suspect that he would better off not married to me. I worry that eventually, he will want to end the marriage. Who wouldn’t?”

Although I completely empathize and understand why you may be tempted to have these self-defeating thoughts, I’m going to make an argument as to why you should counter these thoughts every step of the way. Not only are they most likely untrue, but if you aren’t careful, they can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Your Husband’s Thoughts May Be Completely Different From What You’re Imagining: I can use myself and some personal experiences as an example to reassure you that husbands are not always thinking what you assume they are thinking.

My husband has always made more money than I . And I have always been somewhat insecure about this. I also assumed that our different range of incomes bothered him. To be clear, our separation had nothing to do with this issue. But when we finally reconciled, we talked about this and other topics in depth. Turns out, my husband doesn’t care a lick about how much money either of us makes so long as we live within our means.

Like most men, my husband would much rather have an enthusiastic, loving wife than one who works too many hours and worries constantly about money. Of course, he would be very unhappy if I suddenly developed a shopping addiction or was irresponsible with money. But, my assumptions just weren’t true and my resulting unhappiness and anxiety most definitely contributed to a decline in our marriage. I would have been better off having an honest conversation about this instead of assuming the worst.

Here is another example. I recently visited with a family friend who has been ill. While sitting with her husband, I asked how he was holding up. He told me that it had been his great honor to care for his wife and that he just hoped he was doing an okay job. More than anything, he wanted to do right by her, but he wasn’t an experienced caregiver. You see, he was worried that he was falling short (even though he wasn’t.) The idea that she was a burden never crossed his mind.

I mention both of these examples to try to make the point that your assumptions may be wrong. Sure, your husband may be tired. But so are you. That doesn’t mean that he isn’t coping or isn’t happy in your marriage. Sure, we all face bumps in the road and we may even wish that things were different. It hurts to see the people we love struggle. But that certainly doesn’t mean that we love them any less or think they are a burden.

Have An Honest Conversation To Try To Minimize Any Negative Assumptions Or Consequences: You probably cannot immediately change your circumstances, but you can talk to your husband about your concerns that he is missing out. You can also encourage him to still see friends and enjoy himself as your circumstances allow. This will minimize resentment and give you the reassurance that you did everything you could to support him in the same way that he is supporting you.

Another thing that I learned how to do in my own marriage is to reverse our roles in the hypothetical situation I was worried about. Let’s say it was your husband who was ill. Would you think that he was a burden? Of course, you wouldn’t. You’d want to do everything in your power to support him in every way that you could. And, if you found that he thought he was a burden, you’d want him to know that he could never be anything but the man you love – the man who you would do anything in the world for.

Your husband may feel the very same way.

See The Silver Lining: Undoubtedly, you are in a stressful situation. And you may both wish that things were different. But that doesn’t change your love for and commitment to one another. Marriage is about supporting and loving one another in good times and in bad. It may be easier in times of smooth sailing. But marriages are sometimes strengthened when the chips are down. Tough times can actually enhance your marriage if you hold tight to one another instead of allowing your doubts and your circumstances to pull you apart.

Please do not allow your insecurities to hurt your marriage and make things worse. Have an honest conversation to prevent further damage. Believe me, it is easier to preserve your marriage than to save it when it’s already damaged. I learned this the hard way. If it helps, you can read about our separation and reconciliation (we did save our marriage) at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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