Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Wives who are in a troubled marriage – or even those who are separated and on the verge of divorce – have many recurring fears. But one of the most common fears is the fear of regret. Many of them intuitively know that the loss of an important relationship like marriage could be one of those regrets that will plague you throughout your entire life – and right up until your dying day. It could well be that one failure that rises above all others.

A wife might say, “My husband has been living away from me for about eight weeks. Although he is the one who decided to leave, I too have been very unhappy in this marriage for the past couple of years. It wasn’t always this way. When our kids were small, we were extremely happy and committed. But things have changed. My husband has changed. I am very much a person who believes that marriage is forever. My parents were divorced, and once they split up, this deteriorated many aspects of my life. In some respects, we were all never the same. My mother was bitter and bad-mouthed my father every chance she got. But when she became chronically ill much later in life, my father asked if he could see her – after decades of deliberately never crossing paths. Their meeting lasted for hours, and it seemed to make my mother happy. Later, she told me that she deeply regretted ending her marriage with my father. She lamented “all that wasted time,” and all of the “anger” that she carried for the rest of her life. I don’t want this to happen to me. I don’t want to possibly not see my husband at the end of my life. I want him to be there – with my children. But how I get to that point from where we are right now seems impossible. Because my husband is not receptive to anything I’m trying to do. At times, he’s almost combative when I want to fight for my marriage. He thwarts every attempt I make. I try to call him and he either won’t pick up or won’t talk for long. I ask to see him and he refuses and becomes angry that I asked. I only see him because of the kids. It’s not like we had a huge fight that ended things or that either of us did anything wrong. He just seems angry about life. I know it will be a mistake if I don’t continue to fight for my marriage. But he makes it difficult. What now?

Sometimes, Fighting For Your Marriage Means Fighting For Yourself: I understand where you are and how you feel. My husband was extremely resistant, and at times hostile, during my own separation. It took me way too long to figure out the dangerous dynamic that we’d created. He kept his distance. I reacted out of fear and participated in somewhat pushy behaviors to try to get him to pay attention to me – or even to interact with me. While this was understandable, it didn’t help. In fact, it just reinforced the fact that he wanted me at a safe distance. Continuing to participate in the back and forth eventually stopped making sense.

I was forced to take a step back. Since he wouldn’t allow me to focus on him (or our marriage,) I eventually had no one to focus on but myself. I was lonely. I was bored. So I had to expand my world. Just to pass the time, I decided to learn new things, pursue new hobbies, and spend time with other people who loved and wanted the best for me. I can’t claim that I was on any self-improvement kick. I just needed activities so that I wasn’t sitting home and feeling sorry for myself. But I DID improve. I DID become a better version of myself.

And then something interesting happened. As I dialed down the pressure and intensity, my husband was no longer thwarting me. Slowly, gradually, he began to give me a little more access. And I was better able to respond because I was actually stronger and less desperate.

Now, at the time, I would have told you that I had no choice but to pause my efforts in trying to save my marriage. But in fact, my forced inaction toward him and my action toward myself was the best step I could have taken at the time. It reversed the horrible pattern we’d established and allowed a reset (which was the start of a reconciliation.)

So right now and today, ask yourself what you can do for yourself that may hopefully (and eventually) do something for your marriage.

Staying Positively In Touch While Biding Your Time: Although it’s normal and understandable to worry that backing off may allow him to venture even further away from you, this isn’t typically the case – especially if there are legitimate reasons to keep in touch (like kids, your home, shared interests, and extended families.) In this case, the couple regularly interacted because of the kids. So the wife needn’t worry that she would never know what her husband was doing or would never interact with him.

That said, when you have limited interactions, it is important to make them count. You want to open the door. You want to create positive interactions that, slowly and gradually, will make him more receptive to the next interaction. And the next. And so on.

Yes, this is a gradual process. But at least it’s one where you are actually moving forward. At least in this scenario, he is a willing participant.

You Don’t Need To Have Regrets If You Still Keep Your Foot In The Door: I know that giving pause may feel like you’re giving up when that is the last thing you want to know. But know that you’re only temporarily changing strategies until it’s safer to venture back into the water. You’re resetting so that when you can come back at this, you will get better reception and cooperation.

Even at the lowest points in my separation, I knew in my heart that I wasn’t ever going to give up. (You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com) Yes, your husband can control what happens on his end. But he can’t control your heart and your intentions. You don’t need to feel guilt or regret by trying to give yourself the best chance of saving your marriage – even if that means you aren’t “fighting” at all.

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin