Leslie Cane Articles

This is the time of year when we all look around and evaluate how we live our lives and invest in our relationships. This is the season of resolutions and sweeping improvements. So it is no wonder that January is the time of year when many of us focus on our unhappiness with our marriage – or at least set out to improve it.

This is a very admirable goal. Having a healthy relationship with the most important person in your life is vital. Unfortunately, sometimes our spouses do not share our enthusiasm. Sometimes, when you approach your husband about the problems that you’d like to address, he will deny that there are any real problems. Or, he will validate your perception of the problems, but he will stop there, unwilling to actively address or work on the problems.

Someone might say, “over the past year, my husband and I have had several serious issues that worry me. I’m so concerned that a separation may be in our future. So, I made a list of all of the issues I think that we need to work on. For example, I’ve included money, sex, apathy, lack of communication, and a lack of empathy. Some days, I am struggling and suffering and my husband does not even notice. My friends and my sister will immediately ask me what is wrong but my husband doesn’t even bother. Any of these issues on their own are enough to cause concern, but together, they are extremely worrisome. How do I get him to acknowledge our problems and then work on them?”

Managing Your Mindset: I do not believe that this situation is impossible. I had to navigate a situation that was very similar to this during my own separation. Before I offer specifics, I want to stress that it’s vital that you adjust your mindset and expectations. I don’t say this to discourage you, but I learned from experience that your actions are directly tied to your beliefs and your expectations. So, adjusting your mindset will help you to formulate the correct behaviors.

You mustn’t expect too much too soon. You’ve given your husband a lengthy list of issues, which may be overwhelming. It will take time for him to process this list, much less address every item on it. If you push for a speedy time frame, he may feel so overwhelmed that he gives up before he even starts.

Some Perspective: I know that telling you to be patient is akin to telling you to embrace mediocrity. But, hear me out. Imagine how you would feel if your boss came into your office and dropped a long list of places where you were falling short in your job performance. Imagine that she didn’t offer constructive criticism or specifics. Instead, she generally told you that your work was sub-par in multiple areas and that you needed to address every single one of these vague items immediately.

How would you feel? I would feel defensive and overwhelmed. I might give her a half-hearted effort in a few key areas and wait for her response before I attempted more adjustments. But, if she had limited her criticism to a few specific things and then defined what progress looked like, my reaction would be different. I would respond much more quickly and with much more enthusiasm. And, if she noticed and then praised my efforts, then I would go out of my way to ask if there was anything else I could address.

Here’s another example. We have all babysat or cared for a misbehaving child, and then have become frustrated and barked out a bunch of demands, such as: “I will not listen to any more of this. Finish your dinner. Clean your room. Apologize to your sister.” What was the child’s response? Probably to break down in tears and to stop in place.

I tell you both of these anecdotes to demonstrate how easy it is for people to become overwhelmed and frozen in the face of criticism – even when you are careful to not sound as if you are criticizing.

Easing Him Into Improvements: I learned that the most efficient way to get your husband to change a behavior is to first demonstrate the behavior yourself. The first issue this wife listed was money. So, if you want your spouse to spend less money, find a way to do that yourself and then announce it. For example, you’d say, “I’ve decided that I’m making coffee at home and not buying any on the way to work. I’d like to get our finances in order this year.” He may immediately offer a comparable sacrifice of his own. Or, you may catch him in a thrifty moment. When you do, praise him.

Here’s another example regarding sex. The best way to initiate a productive discussion about this is to initiate sex yourself. Afterward, tell him how much you miss the intimacy between you. You may have to do this a few times before he begins to initiate it on his own. But you should see enthusiastic improvement without needing to make demands.

I know that it may seem as if you are the one doing all the work with this method. But really, you are only having to take the initiative in the beginning. Eventually, he will get on board and he will be enthusiastic rather than reluctant or resentful. This really is about getting what you want and using the most efficient methods to get it.

Yes, this may mean that you have to work gradually and address one issue at a time. But it also means that you will get what you want without having a defensive husband who is dragging his feet every step of the way.

I had to use this method during my separation. And yes, it was gradual and the changes didn’t always come as quickly as I would have liked. But they did come. And we are happily married today. So it was worth it.  The whole story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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