Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who don’t feel as if they can put off a martial separation any longer. Often, they have been thinking about this for quite some time, but they have pushed their needs and wants down in the hopes that they aren’t going to inconvenience anyone, hurt their spouse, or take drastic and unnecessary steps. So it’s only natural that when they decide to go ahead and pursue the separation, they can feel a great deal of fear about the same.

Common comments are something like: “for the past year or so, I’ve felt very restless in my marriage. I have been working in a job that I hate and I feel as if my life is pretty stifling. For the past couple of months, I’ve decided to begin writing again because it has always been my dream to make money off of my writing. I am willing to get by on less money for a while, but I don’t think that it is fair to ask the same of my husband. So, I feel as if I need to move out, find a much smaller place, and just live very simply with my writing and only the bare necessities. My husband likes nice things and he likes having a lot of space so I know that my new sparse lifestyle isn’t going to appeal to him. He knows that I am considering a separation and that I’m thinking about moving out. He doesn’t want for me to go, but he supports my dreams. Lately though, I’ve been having second thoughts about this. What if I fail miserably as a writer? What if I ruin my relationship with the man that I love? And what if I’m risking it all for a dream that might never come true?”

These were very difficult questions. Everyone has the right to pursue their dreams. Everyone deserves to do whatever they feel that they were born to do.  Every one deserves to be in a situation in which they thrive.  At the same time, I firmly believe that there is often a way to do all of these things with your spouse still in your life. And I also believe that should you still decide that you need to separate, there’s a way to do it so that it doesn’t put your marriage in as much jeopardy. I will discuss both of these things below.

Take An Honest Look At Whether An Official Separation Is Truly Necessary: When you make the decision to chase your dream or to re prioritize yourself, it’s very normal to feel as if you need to do drastic things in order to set this in motion.  You want to sort of shake up your life so that there’s no going back. And separating from your spouse can feel like one of those logical and necessary breaks that are the next step toward moving closer to your goal.

But frankly, you may be overlooking your largest source of support. If this is done correctly, you can still have your marriage, your dreams, and the relationship that is most important to you. It’s not always easy and it may require a lifestyle change and a shift in priorities. But sometimes, you might be surprised at the accommodations and exceptions that your spouse will make in order to support you.

When You Just Need To Separate: With all of the above said, there are some couples in some situations which will feel that despite their love for and commitment to one another, they just need to separate. If this is the case, then at least structure the separation very carefully so that you have the greatest chance of obtaining both your dreams and your marriage.

In this case, money was obviously going to be tight. But that didn’t mean that the couple couldn’t meet regularly for a picnic lunch or a walk where they just spent time together and checked in. Perhaps the wife would want to show the husband her writing so that he could see that she was being completely truthful about the reason for the separation.

I suspected that this wife would tell me that there wasn’t any money available for counseling and I understand this. But perhaps a pastor or some self help resources could help to keep this couple on track with very little money. Regardless of how you accomplish it, the point is to make sure that you have regular opportunities to connect and to check in with one another. When this doesn’t happen, people tend to expect the worst or they assume that their spouse is distancing themselves from them. And these are among the most common reasons that the separation fails and leads to a divorce.

I’d like to make one final point. I understand that it’s scary to pursue your dreams. And I also understand that sometimes, you feel like you have to make very dramatic changes in your life in order to propel yourself forward. But sometimes, those changes actually end up sabotaging us because of the pressure that we have created for ourselves. Making it as a writer is hard enough without the additional pressure of trying to manage a separation and two households at the same time, not to mention abruptly leaving your job.

Sometimes, it makes more sense to see if you can ease into it before you take such dramatic action. It might have been a better idea for this wife to commit to writing regularly for two months just to see if she had that type of commitment before taking such drastic actions. And if those two months were over and she did make good on her commitment to write, then she would know that she could do both things – participate in her marriage and in her dreams.

My husband separated from me, partly in order to pursue having more free time.  I wish that he had tried to ease into a new lifestyle rather than making abrupt changes like this wife was proposing.  We did eventually save our marriage, but it was very difficult.  And this may been avoided if we had tried to make some gradual changes. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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