Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people feel as if they must walk on eggshells around their unhappy and unsure spouse. Often, their spouse has admitted that he is no longer sure about the marriage.  Many times, a separation or divorce has been suggested.

The struggle might look like this: “my husband told me last week that he’s no longer sure that he wants to be married to me.  He finally agreed to not seek a separation or divorce for at least a couple of months.  So I know that I have at least a little bit of time to turn this around.  But, I feel awkward, or as if I’m on a spouse audition or something.  I feel like I only have a little bit of time to win over my husband and this makes me feel as if I have to pretend to be someone else or like I have to put on a happy face when I really don’t feel like it.  My friend says that I should just be myself because my true self is who my husband should be in love with.  But I don’t think that acting naturally is going to work.  Because I’ve been acting naturally for the last several years and clearly, this isn’t making him happy.  So how are you supposed to act around a spouse who isn’t sure about your marriage?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Your Behaviors And Actions Are Every Bit As Important As You Might Already Think:  I know that it is no fun to feel as if you’re under a microscope.  But the wife in this scenario was right to suspect that her behavior mattered.  Because when your spouse isn’t sure about your marriage, you can believe that they are going to be closely watching both you and the marriage in order to help them evaluate their next course of action.

I know that this can make you feel very uncomfortable.  But if you can look on the bright side, you’ll see that this can offer you an opportunity to show your spouse exactly and precisely who and what you want them to see.  And as a result, this gives you the opportunity to get the outcome that you want.  So, now let’s talk about showing him the woman who is most likely to make him recommit to his marriage.

Who Does Your Husband Most Want To See In Order To Feel More Sure About His Marriage?:  Many wives don’t have any idea who (or what) their husband wants.  Common comments are things like: “I don’t know who he wants me to be.  I’m a wife and mother and I try to be as attentive and as exciting as I can possibly be.  But the reality is that I have a lot of obligations and although I’m doing the best that I can, I’m not going to be that hot young woman he first met.”

I do understand these frustrations.  And many wives are right in their assumption that their husband wants to turn back the clock and wants to see that more naive and young woman who first turned his head. But here is the better news.  You are probably closer to that younger and more carefree version to yourself than you might think.  I firmly believe that it’s likely that you have not changed.  It’s your circumstances that have.  You have more responsibilities on your shoulders and more people depending on you.  And as a result, it’s more difficult for you to be so upbeat and so happy go lucky.  But, I promise you that it’s not impossible for you to frame what you already have so that you attract your husband back to you.  I’ll discuss how to do that right now.

Shine A Light On What You Already Know That He Loves:  Let’s face it.  Your history with your husband probably means that you know his personal likes and dislikes.  In short, you know what makes him tick, even when it comes to yourself. Most people intellectually understand that people are attracted to other people who make them feel good about themselves and their lives.  To that end, you do not want to walk around as if you have already lost him and your marriage (or as if you are afraid that you might.)

You want to be confident and upbeat.  You want to enjoy this time to rediscover each other.  You want to be as playful as you are able to be.  I realize that right now, what I am asking might seem to be quite difficult.  But to the extent that you can, try not to allow your fear to drive you.  It is much better for you to be in control rather than for the fear to be in control. Try not to see this as an audition of sorts.  Instead, see it as a way to show your husband your best self.  In short, you need to bring through who you truly are when you are not stressed or scared.

In order to do this, you may have to take a look at your lifestyle and your workload in order to make the changes that make this possible.  Having a perfect house isn’t nearly as important as having a healthy and fulfilling marriage, but so many of us put off our marriages (thinking they will always be there for us) and focus on our chores or our “shoulds” instead.  This is very common but it is so destructive and it can be changed.  See this as an opportunity to resurrect the marriage that you deserve.

So to answer the question posed, you should act as positive and as upbeat as you can around the spouse who isn’t sure about your marriage.  Doing so will not only make a reconciliation more likely, but it will make the situation more manageable as well.

Unfortunately, I didn’t understand these principles and I allowed the fear to drive me when my husband was unsure about me and our marriage.  Because of this, we ended up separated and almost divorced. It wasn’t until I accepted that I needed to focus on the positive to attract him back to me that things began to improve.  If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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