Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who are shocked to now be in a position that they had hoped that they would never be in. Suddenly, they find themselves separated from their spouse and struggling to cope and to create a new sense of “normal.” And then all of a sudden word of the separation gets around and they find that others have started to ask them out. Make no mistake, this can be quite flattering at a time in your life where everything else seems to be going wrong. But it’s often still not clear what is the best way to handle this.

An example of a comment that you’d hear in this situation is something like: “I never wanted to be separated. I asked my husband to please go to counseling instead of pursuing the separation. He refused. And he moved out about two months ago. The first couple of weeks without him was awful. I am starting to adjust though, but I still would like nothing more than to save my marriage. I haven’t told many people about the separation. Some people at work know. That’s why I was so surprised the other day when a male coworker actually asked me out. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize my marriage. But I am so flattered. This is a really good looking and great guy. My husband idolizes this guy and I almost want to go out with him just so my husband will find out and realize that someone very good looking and successful sees something in me that my husband apparently does not. How are you supposed to handle it when you are separated and someone you like and respect ask you out?”

Unfortunately, I couldn’t make any decisions for this wife. Only she could decide the best course of action for her. But I could give her some things to think about. I will share those things below.

Understand That Going Out With Other People Is One Of The Biggest Reasons That A Separation Ends Up Becoming A Divorce: I understand being incredibly flattered (and somewhat relieved) when someone else validates you and asks you to spend time with them. I also understand the dilemma this would create when you think very highly of that other person.

But I also know from experience, from comments on my blog, and from my own research that it’s extremely common for things to deteriorate rapidly between you and your separated spouse when one or both of you begin to date other people. It puts your commitment to trying to work things out in question and it creates feelings of insecurity, doubt, and jealousy.  Then, it inserts these negative emotions into a situation that is already so emotionally difficult.

I’m not telling you that you shouldn’t accept this invitation if that is what you genuinely want to do. But I am telling you that you should know that if you do accept it, then this could severely impact your marriage and it could hurt your chances of reconciling with your husband. He could take this as a lack of commitment on your part or he could see it as a personal invitation for him to begin dating other women.

It’s Normal To Want For Your Husband To Know That Someone Else Finds You Attractive: I could be wrong, but I got the distinct impression that what interested the wife most in this scenario was the fact that somebody really worthwhile wanted her while it felt as if her husband was rejecting her. And of course she was tempted to go and share this with her husband. I don’t mean to be inserting negative input at every turn, but you have to be very careful about this. Because often, your husband will think that you are only trying to get a reaction out of him. As a result, he may not even take this seriously.

If there is a way for you to very naturally and very genuinely work this into a conversation without it sounding like you are bragging or trying to get a rise out of your husband, then go ahead and very briefly mention it, as long as you also make it very clear that you are still committed to your marriage.

Because at the end of the day, this is really what it all comes down to – whether you are still holding out for your marriage. If you are, then going out with someone else while you are still married to your spouse runs counter to that commitment. It would obviously hurt your chances of getting what you truly want.

Of course, this is only my opinion, but if you do have an interest but are committed to your marriage, then I would just be honest. I would tell the other man that I was incredibly flattered and thought extremely highly of him, but that I was still married and still hopeful that I could work things out with my husband. This is a difficult situation and there’s probably no perfect answer. But until you’ve made the decision or the concession to end your marriage, then I don’t think that you should do anything to jeopardize your chance to save it.

There were times when I was tempted to try to make my husband think that I was dating other people during our separation.  But, I knew that this was contradictory to my claims of wanting to save my marriage, so I didn’t go there.  And ultimately, I think this was the right call as my husband and I did reconcile.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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