Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who have decided with complete certainty that they want their spouse back and they want to save their marriage, (despite the fact that they are now separated.) Often, it feels somewhat good to be so sure about this and to make a firm decision. Unfortunately though, saving a marriage is easier if you have the commitment and the cooperation of both people. In order to have a relationship, both people have to participate in it. And, even when one spouse is sure that the marriage is worth fighting for, there is always that fear of rejection and the concern that the other spouse won’t agree.

You might hear a wife say: “my husband and I have been separated for about three months. Ironically, I am the one who initially brought up the separation. I am the one who mostly wasn’t happy. My husband suggested counseling, but I didn’t think that it would work and I didn’t want to waste the money. Now that I have spent night after night without my husband and have found that I miss his laugh, his presence, and his sweetness, I realize that I was completely mistaken. Sure, we have our problems. But I had unrealistic expectations of my marriage. I expected too much when I myself gave very little. I regret that so much now. I want my husband back. I want my married life back. Ironically, while I am struggling with the separation, my husband seems to be thriving. He actually seems more relaxed and happy.  And, part of me understands this. I was such a tyrant before. I always had him walking on eggshells. So his emotional load is probably a little lighter now. But I am certain that I want him back. I’ve never wanted anything so much. Sometimes, when we have good conversations on the phone, I want to tell him this. I want to ask him to give our marriage another chance. But I’m afraid this will cause him to back away. I have kept things friendly between us. And frankly, when I was the one who was unsure about our marriage, my husband seemed more invested in our marriage. But, now that he is the one who seems to be pulling away a little and asserting his own independence, he doesn’t seem so interested in me and the marriage. So I am afraid that if I tell him how I feel, he is going to start to back away. How do I approach this? I feel like if I leave things at the status quo, he may begin to allow me less of his time and attention.”

This is a very valid concern. I don’t mean to come across as a pessimist or to try to take away anyone’s hope. But I get a lot of correspondence from wives in this very situation on my blog. (And, I’ve also dealt with this situation myself.) I can tell you that spouses can pull away if you don’t handle this with a little care. If your change of heart seems too abrupt, too insincere, or comes at an inopportune time, then you will sometimes find yourself in a situation where you had a different relationship than you had before. Worse, your spouse may start to avoid you. So I would encourage this wife to listen to her gut and to handle this with extreme care. In the following article, I’ll offer some tips which I think can help you to handle this in order give you the best chance of success.

Don’t Come Out With The Truth Until You Have Laid A Foundation: If you have any doubts about how your spouse is going to feel about coming back, then it is best to work very gradually. Instead of just blurting out that you want him back immediately, you want to gradually increase the quantity and quality of the time that you spend together. If you are successfully able to do this, then you will often find that your relationship is improving, evolving, and changing. Once this happens, you should just naturally more toward a reconciliation pattern without your needing to even make any declaration about it.

I know from experience that it is much better to have patience than to rush into it and then have him pull away and put his defenses up. In this case, the husband was receptive to the wife. They were speaking regularly and getting along well. So, she was in a situation where she could build on this rather than jeopardizing it.

Show Him What Changed Without Directly And Obviously Spelling It Out: Frankly, if the wife were to come out tomorrow and announce that she wanted this husband back, he might resist her. Why? Because he was suddenly enjoying the freedom of not having to walk on egg shells. And he might be reluctant to give that back. So, the wife’s job when they got together was to show the husband a new, more laid back version of herself. She wanted to show him that she had changed that part of her personality. And, she needed to show him that she was willing to give in the relationship rather than to only take. This entire process may take a little time. After years of establishing these issues in the relationship, it was going to take some time to erase them. But doing so is very important because it’s the only way that your spouse is going to feel confident in coming back.

But to address the initial concern, in my experience, the way to tell him that you want him back without having him pull away is to not make any official announcement at all, because that has the risk of rejection. Instead, you should spend more quality time together and you should show him meaningful changes. Then, as your relationship improves as a result, then reconciling should just be the natural result.

I tried to tell my husband that I wanted him back during our separation countless times.  And this hurt my cause rather than helped it.  He pulled away so I had no choice but to try this gradual process, which eventually worked.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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