Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: There is a small subset of wives who had no idea that their husband was planning on leaving, but I believe that they are in the minority.

Most wives, even if they don’t know exactly when their husband might leave, strongly suspect that at some point, he will leave. They may not know when exactly. But they know that, if they don’t act now, they may soon be without their husband and their marriage.

As you might imagine, this can cause a sense of panic. How can she convince him to stay when deep in her heart, she suspects he’s already gone?

She might say, “My husband told me about four weeks ago that he was going to start looking for another place to live. We haven’t been doing well lately. I wish I could say that we’ve been fighting because if we were, maybe I could fix that. Not only are we not fighting, we’re not doing much of anything. We barely talk. There is resentment. There is confusion. There is silence. But I can’t say that there is anger. There’s just nothing.”

“We’re barely even roommates anymore. One might think that in a situation like this one, I’d welcome for my husband to move out. But that just isn’t true. I’d give anything for things to go back like they were a couple of years ago when we were both invested in our marriage and excited about our future. I still love my husband. I still want my marriage. I’m struggling for the words to get him to stay, but every time I try, he shuts me down as though my words as just a waste of time and annoying to him. Still, I feel like I have to at least try something. This is my marriage. I can’t stand the thought of giving it up without a fight.”

I don’t blame you at all. I was determined that I wasn’t going to just give up my marriage either. My husband had other ideas, and he was determined that there was nothing I could do. I kept at it though, and I’m still married today because of that. Don’t allow anyone to tell you to give up on your marriage if that isn’t what you want or are ready to do.

That said, I’d suggest trying a new strategy when trying to talk him out of leaving hasn’t worked so far. Instead of trying to talk him into staying, simply try talking to him. About things less heavy than your marriage.

If You Can Return Some Communication or Intimacy, He May Not Be in a Hurry to Leave:

Thinking that you can suddenly convince him not to leave is probably quite a big ask. It may help to set your sights on something much smaller. This marriage was described as lacking in many areas, so one small place to start would just be to talk.

You can pick easy topics that you know he will react to. Even though things aren’t great between you, I’d bet that you know him better than nearly anyone else. You know which topics he’s going to bite on. Yes, this will require you to make the first move and show a little vulnerability. But what do you have to lose? You’re still living under the same roof. You still have a somewhat captive audience. Try to take the immediacy of your situation off the table as best as you can.

Even if you’re only talking about the weather, your favorite movie, or a mutual family member, at least that’s a start. Your goal is to build upon that small start so that eventually, you’re talking regularly about things that put a smile on both of your faces. Keep things light-hearted.

If you can get to the point where he even somewhat enjoys your company again, then he may not feel a pressing need to move out.

Better yet, if you can restore a general ease or intimacy between you, then you’ll have made great strides in getting him to stay, and you haven’t even had to ask him to do so. I don’t expect you to go from feeling like strangers to lovers in a short amount of time. That isn’t realistic. But it might be realistic to improve communication between you, even if you have to start small.

If He’s Still Set On Leaving, Offer An Alternative:

If you give this an honest and continuous try and he’s still set on moving out, try to offer him an alternative that still keeps him close. The best solution is likely to get him to stay in another bedroom in your home if he will accept that. In that case, you’ll still have access to him and you can still try to improve your communication gradually and over time.

If he won’t accept this, then try to steer him to temporarily stay with a family member or mutual friend. That way, you still have access. If you can, you want to attempt to keep him from signing a long-term lease or making a long-term commitment that means you don’t have access to him.

But even if the face of this, don’t panic. Desperation will make you do all sorts of things, most of them damaging to your cause.

My husband did move out. You can still save your marriage under those circumstances, but there will be more challenges in doing so. I still used the same strategy – restoring communication and intimacy. But I had to work very, very gradually. And sometimes I even had to take a break when my husband just wasn’t receptive at all. Still, with a bit of luck, and a lot of determination, I was able to do it because I settled for many small victories instead of one big one.  (You can read that entire story at https://isavedmymarriage.com)

If he’s not going to listen to your trying to convince him to stay, then talk about something else to which he is receptive. It might not feel like much, but it can lay the foundation on which you can eventually rebuild. If you can go from “nothing” to even a little bit of something, you may be able to right this ship before it sails away.

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