Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you are separated from your spouse, it is very natural to want to control as much as you can. It would be great if you had some say in what your spouse did, how he felt, the actions he took, and the ultimate outcome of your separation.

Unfortunately, as soon as the separation begins, you will often feel less in control than you ever have in your relationship. You can’t always know where he is, or what he is doing, or what he wants or feels. You can’t control what he is thinking about you or the marriage or how he spends his time. Although you’d certainly like to, you can’t necessarily control who he is with and what activities he is participating in. 

This lack of control can cause a serious case of anxiety and rumination. After all, if you can’t control how this separation works, how can you be sure that you’ll stay married? The truth is, sometimes, perhaps you can’t. But I believe that you can maximize your odds. Ironically though, some of the time, you need to strategically give up SOME control to maintain the most important elements of control. I’ll explain more below. 

Taking Control of the Most Important Elements First: If at all possible, you want to leave things on a positive note between you and your spouse. Specifically, you want as much access to your husband as you can get. That’s a lot easier to accomplish if you can minimize the animosity, anger, and awkwardness between you. So as tempting as it might be to debate, argue, or split hairs about control right now, resist that urge. Try to remember that the end goal is for him to think favorably of you so that you will have access.

If at all possible, it’s best to try to agree on the type and frequency of communication as soon as possible, ideally before he leaves or the separation begins. Without at least some understanding and agreement about communication, it’s very easy for insecurity and suspicion to take hold if he goes silent, even when it’s for an innocent reason.  

By agreeing to communicate beforehand, that is one less worry. And it allows you to know that you’ll at least get to talk to him at regular intervals so you can put your energy somewhere else. Bonus points if you can agree to get him to see you in person regularly or go to counseling. If not, you’ll need to build slowly by keeping your communication positive and light, so that he wants to continue communicating and you can gradually up the ante. 

Strategic Ways to Give Up Control When You Have or Need To:  What I’m about to write about isn’t my proudest moment, but I believe there’s an important lesson here. I couldn’t get my husband to agree to a defined communication schedule, so I pretty much stalked him when I became panicked about not knowing any details about what was going on with him. I’d assume he was having the time of his life, going out with other people, seeking new challenges and experiences, and just generally moving on. 

When I’d attempt to communicate with him, he was cordial at first, but he quickly lost patience and told me to let him contact me the next time. I truly intended to do just that. I really did. But as time went by and he maintained his silence, I started to get restless again. The pressure began to build up, and I gave in to my worst impulses. Needless to say, my husband completely lost patience and made it much harder for me to have access to him, which only increased my panic level. As I pulled and he pushed, our marriage deteriorated more and more. The misunderstandings became more frequent.

I continued to make things worse for myself because I couldn’t honor my husband’s requests. I knew that something had to give, so I went out of town for just a little while to force myself to go quiet. You can avoid this mistake. You don’t need to take such desperate actions if you don’t try to over-control in the first place.

Thankfully, though, this shift made such a difference. My husband soon learned that I could stick to my promises and eventually, he became receptive to me again. Eventually, he became the one to call me, although this shift took time.

I don’t think this would have happened if I had continued to try to control every single thing about the separation. Here is the truth: you can’t make him give you more time, access, and affection than he is ready to give, no matter how much you may want to. Trying to force it will often mean you’ll lose any ground gained, and you’ll have to work twice as hard to get it back.

Ask yourself what control compromises you can live with because if you don’t, that decision could very well be made for you. Try your best to respect his reasonable boundaries and honor the promises you’ve already made. That way, he’ll have absolutely no reason for animosity or for pulling back.  

I realize I’m asking a great deal from you. I know that it is very counterintuitive to relinquish control when you want to grab at control with both hands. I’m not saying that you should expect nothing from your husband, and just passively wait for him to come around.

But I am suggesting that you agree on a communication schedule and boundaries, and then you uphold your end of the bargain. Keep yourself very busy if you have to. Hang out with friends, pursue new interests, reconnect with family, and take care of yourself. He will then see that you respect yourself and aren’t falling prey to hurtful, yet common mistakes.

Giving the Illusion of Collaboration: Unfortunately, very few separated wives can control every aspect of the separation. Trying to do so will often make things worse and will mean that you and your husband are on separate sides. This is the last thing you want. Instead, you want him to believe that you are doing everything in your power to work with him instead of against him. 

As I alluded to, I stumbled onto giving up some control because I had no choice.  However, if I hadn’t messed up so badly from the jump, I probably could have avoided the desperate measures I had to take.  We did eventually reconcile once I learned how to prioritize the strategies that were most likely to work and I abandoned those that weren’t.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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