Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who can literally feel their husband pulling away from them. They can’t help but notice that their husband’s commitment to them and their marriage seems to be lessening. Perhaps he’s just distant, absent, or cold. Or, maybe he’s even started to talk about needing space, a separation, or a divorce. However he expresses himself, it’s often obvious that he just isn’t into the marriage as much as he once was.

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who says: “over the last couple of months, it has become obvious to me that my husband doesn’t really want to be married anymore. He has told me as much. The other day, he said that he just doesn’t feel that we need to be married in order to raise our children. He said that plenty of divorced families are still very cordial to one another and still co parent their children together. And he insists that those same children can grow up to be successful and well adjusted. In other words, my husband no longer sees the value of being married to me. How can I make him see that marriage matters? How can I make him understand that it’s important for both our children or us?”

Why You’re Right That Marriage Is Important: This is a common question. Much of the time, the wife intimately understands how important marriage is in terms of her children and in terms of her own well being. She’ll often cite statistics that indicate that married men live longer and are happier. Or, she’ll recount articles that she has read outlining how harmful divorce is for children. These things are all true. There are plenty of statistics that indicate that children of divorce are at higher risk of divorce themselves or of underperforming at school. Of course, this isn’t true in every case. Some families do just fine. But over all, most experts agree that the optimal situation for children is to grow up with both of their parents.

What I Think Is The Best Strategy: It’s my experience that statistics alone often will not sway a husband who is unhappy. Because in his mind, he’s giving up his own happiness for something that may not make that great of a difference ten years from now. In essence, you’re asking him to make a sacrifice and not everyone is going to be willing to do this.

I believe that the better strategy is instead to show your husband that he can be both happy and married. It’s very common for husbands to reach a certain age and to be a bit disappointed with what they have accomplished and experienced in their life. People are often quick to label this a mere mid life crisis. But, it often goes beyond this. Because he will often think that it is having a marriage or a family that is holding him back. I know that this isn’t fair. I know that it is hard to hear. But men often express this thinking on my blog and I feel like you should be aware of this because it will help you in forming a successful strategy going forward.

So in my opinion and experience, the best strategy here is to take an honest look at your life and your marriage. How could you make it more exciting, fulfilling, and fresh for both of you? How could you enhance your experiences as a family? How could you allow your husband more fun experiences while still having in the fold of his family?

Because if a man is content with his family life and his marriage, then he isn’t going to question the importance of being married. It’s only when he begins to think that being married holds him back in some way that he begins to question if being married is necessary and beneficial. It’s only human nature to appeal to his sense of loyalty and to his role as a parent. But some men will think that they can still be a good parent even if they are not married so this is not always effective.

I believe that it’s more effective to focus on making him content being both a married man and a family man. This does sometimes take some work and some time. It will sometimes mean that you have to step outside of your comfort zone and you may need to be the one who initiates the change. This can, at times, feel unfair. It feels as if you are doing all the giving and you are doing all of the work.

I do understand this and I do understand feeling discouraged by this process. But I believe that it is better than the alternative which is trying to convince a man who thinks he isn’t as happy to do the unselfish thing when he’s beginning to think that being married is not necessary to his being a happy person or a decent parent. People often will act based on what they think is the best for them and what will make them happiest. Your job is to encourage him to see that it is your changing and improving marriage that is going to fit this bill.

I did try to appeal to my husband’s sense of loyalty when we separated.  I tried to paint marriage as being necessary and beneficial.  This didn’t matter though.  So I had to work on making us happier together by making some changes. If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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